264 kids’ bathroom

Trifecta complete!
That's 3 shits in 3 bathrooms.
Next one is outside.

Sent from my iPhone

263 home

If I keep this up,
I might fit into my old
Suit pants after all!

Sent from my iPhone

262 downstairs

That was nice and smooth.
The entire process - not
Just the shit itself.

Sent from my iPhone

261 kids’ bathroom

Stinking up the joint
While the kids are at temple.
Is that a hate crime?

Sent from my iPhone

260 downstairs

Took long enough, butt.
Sometimes my asshole is just
A fucking asshole.

Sent from my iPhone

259 kids’ bathroom

It's only noon and
I'm on my third smelly dump.
Three shits to the wind?

Sent from my iPhone

258 downstairs

Ah yes, there we go.
I knew I wasn't done yet.
Maybe I'll fart less?

Sent from my iPhone

257 downstairs

Another long wait
Before a medium shit.
So much more to come.

Sent from my iPhone

256 downstairs

More left than I thought.
That's "Left" as in "remaining"
Not the past tense verb.

Sent from my iPhone

255 downstairs

Couldn't go last night,
But today I'm not thwarted.
(That rhymes with "farted.")

Sent from my iPhone

254 work

Yesterday

Don't like going here,
But I didn't have a choice.
My butt insisted.

Sent from my iPhone

253 home

This shit used to be
Chicken apple sausage. Now
It's only sausage.

Sent from my iPhone

252 downstairs

New Taylor Swift songs
Don't make this shit any more
Upbeat or poppy.

Sent from my iPhone

251 work

Tried going at home
But had to settle for here.
At least it's early.

Sent from my iPhone

250 downstairs

The smallest amount
But it still qualifies since
It came out me butt.

Sent from my iPhone

249 downstairs

Still before sundown,
So I can atone for this
And not wait a year.

Sent from my iPhone

248 downstairs

Fina-fucking-lly!
I'd needed to go for days.
Now I win. And lose.

Sent from my iPhone

247 home

A whole bunch of shit.
And in different formats too!
A poo poo platter.

Sent from my iPhone

246 downstairs

I'm so glad I went.
My stomach requested it
A few days ago.

Sent from my iPhone

245 downstairs

Just a little more.
I'm expecting a big one.
My butthole's nervous.

Sent from my iPhone

244 downstairs

I tried yesterday
But failed. And now all I get
Is this tiny turd?

Sent from my iPhone

243 kids’ bathroom

Third deuce of the day
And the clock says 2-2-2.
That's some magic, folks.

Sent from my iPhone

242 downstairs

Wow, thought I was done
Only to have MUCH more left.
Big butthole workout.

Sent from my iPhone

241 downstairs

What am I doing?
It's gotta be something wrong
To yield this shitstorm.

Sent from my iPhone

240 downstairs

L' shana tova!
The day where a round challah
Becomes a log shape.

Sent from my iPhone

239 downstairs

I tried to go poo
12 hours before I did.
Such fermentation.

Sent from my iPhone

238 downstairs

Yesterday

It's too bad my watch
Doesn't count this effort as
Exercise minutes.

Sent from my iPhone

237 downstairs

I'm a shit machine!
3 yesterday, 1 today.
Hold your noses right!

Sent from my iPhone

236 home

I don't think the phrase
"Getting butt-hurt" usually
Means literally.

Sent from my iPhone

235 home

I glimpsed the future,
And it's a lot of bland food
To reset this mess.

Sent from my iPhone

234 downstairs

Fine, message received!
Deep-fried boneless chicken wings
Make my ass angry.

Sent from my iPhone

233 downstairs

Rain in the forecast.
Outside, that is. In here it's
Thunder and high winds.

Sent from my iPhone

232 downstairs

I try not to judge,
But I just don't get people
Who are into shit.

Sent from my iPhone

231 downstairs

Is it ironic
That a place called Wing Stop makes
My butt GO GO GO?

Sent from my iPhone

230 downstairs

A little sniffly,
But I don't think it's due to
All the noxious fumes.

Sent from my iPhone

229 downstairs

Yesterday

A triple flusher.
Not being considerate,
Just a volume play.

Sent from my iPhone

228 downstairs

Slept weird on my neck,
But it doesn't seem to have
Affected my butt.

Sent from my iPhone

227 downstairs

It's that same bad smell!
Am I eating something new
Or just evolving?

Sent from my iPhone

226 home

Another so soon?
Sounds like I'm pretty tapped out.
Well, based on the squirts.

Sent from my iPhone

225 downstairs

I swear, officer,
I didn't eat anything
That smelled like murder.

Sent from my iPhone

224 downstairs

Back to the courthouse.
Hope this shit is a good sign
That I'll be…released.

Sent from my iPhone

223 parents’ house!

It's just like old time.
I'm here, and I'm shitting. Wow.
Smells so nostalgic.

Sent from my iPhone

222 downstairs

Yesterday

Hope this shit isn't
An omen for how today's
Jury duty goes.

Sent from my iPhone

221 downstairs

Back again so soon!
But the fart wants what it wants,
Says Woody Allen.

Sent from my iPhone

220 downstairs

This one smelled different,
But I can't put my finger
(Or my nose) on it.

Sent from my iPhone

219 downstairs

Did lots of walking,
Which might've dislodged some shit.
Or I'm just lucky.

Sent from my iPhone

218 downstairs

Can't believe I'm back
So soon after so much shit.
Am I…a hero?

Sent from my iPhone

217 downstairs

I've got stuff to do,
But it's hard when your anus
Forgot how to close.

Sent from my iPhone

216 downstairs

Damn, I like burgers
But if they lead to this mess,
I should rethink them.

Sent from my iPhone

215 downstairs

Happy Labor Day!
I just went through the labor
Of shitting. A lot.

Sent from my iPhone

214 downstairs

Yesterday

Last night's musical
Was called Shucked and about corn.
(Looks down) No corn here!

Sent from my iPhone

213 downstairs

Gonna have meatballs,
Right after making shitballs.
How…"circle of life."

Sent from my iPhone

212 downstairs

So far no Covid,
But my ass doesn't sound good.
Hang in there, my butt.

Sent from my iPhone

211 downstairs

I sat for so long
I think my balls fell asleep.
*Flick* Ouch! No, they're fine.

Sent from my iPhone

210 downstairs

Sorry, cleaning crew.
The upcoming toilet work
Just got more grueling.

Sent from my iPhone

209 downstairs

I can't explain it,
But this particular shit
Seems angry with me.

Sent from my iPhone

208 home

I'm glad I'm alone.
I mean at home. I suppose
In the bathroom too.

Sent from my iPhone

207 downstairs

Did I poop my pants?
No. Did I consider it?
Well, technically yes.

Sent from my iPhone

206 home

A triple flusher
And each one was touch and go
Except no touching.

Sent from my iPhone

205 downstairs

I farted enough
That my wife said "Jesus Christ."
She thinks I'm godlike.

Sent from my iPhone

204 home

Oof - this came on quick.
Lied to people on a call
To get here in time.

Sent from my iPhone

203 downstairs

Maybe my body
Can't handle things like hot dogs
In my advanced age.

Sent from my iPhone

202 downstairs

Glad I got that out.
I doubt the coliseum
Has decent bathrooms.

Sent from my iPhone

201 home

How can a hole hurt?
Good question. May I present
Exhibit A…nus.

Sent from my iPhone

200 home

Knew I wasn't done,
But I didn't think I'd be
All like "dun dun DUN!"

Sent from my iPhone

199 downstairs

Happy Friday, folks!
Today, I'm celebrating
With mushy smellies.

Sent from my iPhone

198 home!

The Boston food said
"Get me out of this guy, stat!"
And my butt complied.

Sent from my iPhone

197 Boston hotel

I know there's more, and
I leave early tomorrow.
Airport shit? Hope not.

Sent from my iPhone

196 Boston hotel

Meeting stood me up.
That's fine because I had time
To run up and dump.

Sent from my iPhone

195 Boston hotel

My blackened salmon
Somehow became browned during
Its intestine run.

Sent from my iPhone

194 Boston hotel

Day one in Boston,
Dump one is Boston. I smell
A pattern! And shit.

Sent from my iPhone

193 downstairs

(Yesterday)
Going to Boston
But will avoid the baked beans
For valid reasons.

Sent from my iPhone

192 kids’ bathroom

A five minute break,
And I'm making the most of-
Shit. Gonna be late.

Sent from my iPhone

191 downstairs

(Yesterday)
My ass is tired.
I actually mean "my ass"
And not "all of me."

Sent from my iPhone

190 downstairs

Did the green salsa
Cause this madness and also
Turn brown on the way?

Sent from my iPhone

189 home

Though gross, that felt good.
In a "this had to happen"
Version of goodness.

Sent from my iPhone

188 downstairs

I just went a lot.
Maybe Friday's burrito
Was a component.

Sent from my iPhone

187 kids’ bathroom

Happy birthday, Mom!
I made you something, but the
I forgot and flushed.

Sent from my iPhone

186 home

Had to work too hard,
But a whole lotta shit was
The (rear) end result.

Sent from my iPhone

185 downstairs

Just a tiny blip,
But I think that blip might be
A cork that's been popped.

Sent from my iPhone

184 kids’ bathroom

Sorry, cleaning crew.
All your work has been undone
On the "good smell" front.

Sent from my iPhone

183 downstairs

20,000 steps
Is impressive. Add 3 shits
And it's gobsmacking.

Sent from my iPhone

182 downstairs

My eyes are stinging.
Maybe it's not from these fumes,
But that would make sense.

Sent from my iPhone

181 downstairs

Nicer dinner out,
But same old shit the next day.
There's a lesson here.

Sent from my iPhone

180 home

Happy Gilmore 2
Doesn't make this shit smell less,
But I'm laughing more.

Sent from my iPhone

179 downstairs

I think this is from
Tuesday's lunch. How do I know?
Don't ask. Just trust me.

Sent from my iPhone

178 kids’ bathroom

Meeting got cancelled,
So I'll use this time instead
To offload some crap.

Sent from my iPhone

177 downstairs

I'm glad this happened.
The frequent, loud farts would not
Be welcomed at work.


Sent from my iPhone

176 home

I gotta finish
To get to a Zoom meeting
But it just. Won't. Stop.

Sent from my iPhone

175 downstairs

Despite no real lunch
And a small dinner, there's still
Plenty here. Plenty.

Sent from my iPhone

174 downstairs

Yesterday

Such a tiny thing.
All alone on its journey.
Must've been so scared.

Sent from my iPhone

173 home

Aha! There it is.
I knew that spicy salsa
Enact its revenge.

Sent from my iPhone

172 home

Post-cleaning crew dumps
Feel a little bit rude since
I'm uncleaning things.

Sent from my iPhone

171 downstairs

I haven't felt right
Stomach-wise since last Thursday.
Hope that ends today.

Sent from my iPhone

170 downstairs

Everyone slept through
The sounds of this shit. The booms,
Splats, grunts, groans, and sobs.

Sent from my iPhone

169 downstairs

I stayed up for this.
Now there's no risk of night poops.
Well, minimal risk.
Sent from my iPhone

168 downstairs

Oh this isn't good.
My legs and butt are asleep
But my nose still works.

Sent from my iPhone

167 downstairs

Just got a haircut,
Which had zero impact on
The size of this shit.

Sent from my iPhone

166 downstairs

I have more to give,
But timing dictates that I
Cut this session short.

Sent from my iPhone

165 downstairs

One more for the day
And then off to bed. My ass
Needs its beauty sleep.

Sent from my iPhone

164 downstairs

Had a work dinner,
And was waiting to get home
To unleash this hell.

Sent from my iPhone

163 downstairs

So I'm wiping, right?
And every time, there's more shit!
What a weird morning.

Sent from my iPhone

162 downstairs

Post-shower, pre-work.
Not a bad way to do it.
(Vs mid-shower)

Sent from my iPhone

161 downstairs

Yesterday

This was a rush job.
Either that or shitting at
The orthodontist's.

Sent from my iPhone

160 downstairs

Had Thai food last night,
Now I feel like I'm shitting
A double Windsor.

Sent from my iPhone

159 downstairs

My July 5th shits
Resemble hot dogs in shape,
But with different buns.

Sent from my iPhone

158 downstairs

The 3rd of July
Isn't known for explosions,
And yet, here we are.

Sent from my iPhone

157 kids’ bathroom

My daughter's away,
So I'll only have to say
"Sorry" to the boy.

Sent from my iPhone

156 downstairs

That one was nasty.
Not "Janet Jackson nasty"
More like "gross nasty"

Sent from my iPhone

155 downstairs

Couldn't go at first,
But a little shimmy move
Made all the difference.

Sent from my iPhone

154 downstairs

Another so soon?
It's like it's my birthday or…
Hey, wait a minute!

Sent from my iPhone

153 downstairs

Birthday shits are like
Regular shits, but this time
It's on your birthday.

Sent from my iPhone

152 home

After all the cracks
At the chiropractor, there's
Only a butt crack.

Sent from my iPhone

151 downstairs

Chiro appointment
And massage coming up soon.
Lots of body work.

Sent from my iPhone

150 downstairs

(Yesterday)

I may have jet lag
But there's no butt lag in sight.
I don't know either.

Sent from my iPhone

149 home!

Almost had to shit
In an airport or mid-air.
Soooo glad I made it.

Sent from my iPhone

148 Florence villa

I don't normally
Shit out an entire cow,
But when in Florence!

Sent from my iPhone

147 Florence villa

I don't normally
Say "ouch" every time I wipe,
But when in Florence!

Sent from my iPhone

146 Rome hotel

I don't normally
Almost shit my pants in Rome,
But hey, when in Rome!

Sent from my iPhone

145 Rome hotel!

I don't normally
Have two gross shits in a day,
But hey, when in Rome!

Sent from my iPhone

144 Rome hotel!

I normally don't
Wait many days for gross shits,
But hey - when in Rome.

Sent from my iPhone

143 home

Well now I'm worried
That I'll travel tomorrow
With a sore asshole.

Sent from my iPhone

142 home

That's two already!
Italy will be getting
A less backed-up me.

Sent from my iPhone

141 downstairs

We leave tomorrow
And this will make me lighter
For the air travel.

Sent from my iPhone

140 downstairs

Had a hamburger.
My butt's acting like it was
Made of pure lava.

Sent from my iPhone

139 downstairs

Exercising less
Is spreading out my shits more
And my butt cheeks less.

Sent from my iPhone

138 home

I barely made it.
Kept trying to end a call
But people can TALK!

Sent from my iPhone

137 home

Days passed between shits,
But our hero remained calm,
Knowing this would come.

Sent from my iPhone

136 downstairs

What the fuck is this?
I didn't eat anything
That should cause this…mess.

Sent from my iPhone

135 downstairs

Can shit have a tail?
That looked like a brown lizard
Making its escape.

Sent from my iPhone

134 home

I went from "Do I…?"
To "splat!" in like ten seconds.
Sound like fun? It's not.

Sent from my iPhone

133 home

Eating that curry
Made me poop in a hurry.
Felt like a slurry.

Sent from my iPhone

132 home

Both gross and painful.
How did I get so lucky?
Genetics I guess.

Sent from my iPhone

131 home

They call it Thai food
But it just made my butt lose.
(That's better spoken.)

Sent from my iPhone

130 downstairs

This wasn't a log,
Nor was it sawdust. I'd say
More like two branches.

Sent from my iPhone

129 home

My second attempt
Was successful. Well, maybe
Not to the toilet.

Sent from my iPhone

128 home

Oh good, there we go.
This was on deck for a bit.
Also in the hole.

Sent from my iPhone

127 home

Shitting with bruised ribs
Might sound like fun, but it's not.
You fucking sicko.

Sent from my iPhone

126 kids’ bathroom

My back hurts a lot,
So this shit made me nervous.
All's fine in the end.

Sent from my iPhone

125 downstairs

Made my parents leave
So I could do this without
Harming my image.

Sent from my iPhone

124 home

Yesterday

This one came on fast
And then I forgot to write.
I'm a silly man.

Sent from my iPhone

123 kids’ bathroom

I must have missed one.
I'm usually on it, but
Something smells fishy.

Sent from my iPhone

122 downstairs

Oh come on, stomach.
I think enough is enough.
My hole needs a break.

Sent from my iPhone

121 kids’ bathroom

A 3-dump Monday,
With a chance I'll go for 4.
I'll keep you posted.

Sent from my iPhone

120 kids’ bathroom

The kids are at school,
So I'm wrecking their bathroom
Like all good dads do.

Sent from my iPhone

119 downstairs

I'm no scientist,
But I think that last night's farts
Were solidified.

Sent from my iPhone

118 downstairs

That swordfish last night
Had the sword part removed, but
Tell that to my butt.

Sent from my iPhone

117 home

A triple flusher
And an unhappy butthole.
Things are looking up!

Sent from my iPhone

116 downstairs

After all these years
And all these stellar haiku,
I just keep shitting.

Sent from my iPhone

115 home

TGIF? No.
I mean not if that stands for
Thank God It's Fragrant.

Sent from my iPhone

114 downstairs

My leg fell asleep,
And my butt hurts. Just picture
How that makes me walk.

Sent from my iPhone

113 home

We're back from the vet,
And neither Emmy nor I
Shit on the floor there.

Sent from my iPhone

112 home

Two shits already
And I don't think I'm done yet.
Just so much to give!


Sent from my iPhone

111 downstairs

Going for a walk,
But doing this first. I'm not
A shit-walking guy.

Sent from my iPhone

110 kids’ room

Took my kids to school,
Then dropped these off at the pool.
I'm quite the chauffeur.

Sent from my iPhone

109 downstairs

Booming farts last night,
So this was underwhelming
(But oversmelming).
Sent from my iPhone

108 home

(Yesterday)

The shower can wait.
I have more pressing matters…
Inside my rectum.

Sent from my iPhone

107 downstairs

Way to go, toilet.
I know that was a challenge,
But you persevered.

Sent from my iPhone

106 downstairs

That made a weird sound.
I'd try to describe it, but
Fwatt is all I got.

Sent from my iPhone

105 downstairs

Before the dentist,
I gotta clean out this hole.
And dirty it too.

Sent from my iPhone

104 downstairs

Does karaoke
Cause nasty shits? Low data,
But smells like a yes.

Sent from my iPhone

103 home

Another gross one.
I'm starting to feel anti-
Anti-biotics.

Sent from my iPhone

102 downstairs

Antibiotics
Get all the blame for this shit
And its nastiness.

Sent from my iPhone

101 home

My son is home sick,
And my butt has joined in with
Sympathy coughing.

Sent from my iPhone

100 home

I hit one hundred
Not with a bang, but with a
Pfft, grunt, squishy thump.

Sent from my iPhone

99 home

When it's unpleasant
And unsatisfying too,
That's just plain shitty.

Sent from my iPhone

98 work

I didn't want to,
But my butt left me no choice.
Let's hope this one's fast.

Sent from my iPhone

97 home

"You ok in there?"
My wife asked. She doesn't know
I pooped a brown snake.

Sent from my iPhone

96 home

There's still this much left?
Maybe last night's lasagna
Comes out in layers.

Sent from my iPhone

95 kids’ bathroom

Gas pain and back pain
Met with ass pain and crack pain.
The rhyming does help.

Sent from my iPhone

94 home

Went for a nice walk,
And glad it wasn't followed
By having the runs.

Sent from my iPhone

93 home

The toilet almost
Needed plunger assistance.
Was flush-and-go there.

Sent from my iPhone

92 home

That's 2 before lunch.
It could be a banner day.
(A shit-stained banner.)

Sent from my iPhone

91 home

Managed to hold it
During an all-day conference.
Not holding back now!

Sent from my iPhone

90 downstairs

Pre-shower dumpage
Still feels like a win after
All these shitting years.

Sent from my iPhone

89 home

There's no leavened bread
In this shit, but it could raise
The dead with its smell.

Sent from my iPhone

88 downstairs

The angel of death
Passed over our house but left
Some of his stink here.

Sent from my iPhone

87 downstairs

Do I have to go?
That thought was fleeting because
Yes, I clearly did.


Sent from my iPhone

86 home

Yesterday

I had to wipe well
So the masseuse didn't get
Residual stank.

Sent from my iPhone

85 kids’ bathroom

That burrito bowl
Has now met the toilet bowl.
And I'm bowled over.

Sent from my iPhone

84 home

Thought I'd feel better
After letting all that out.
I smell a sequel!

Sent from my iPhone

83 downstairs

Not back to normal
And my unsettled stomach
Is unsettling.

Sent from my iPhone

82 home

A diorama
Of diarrhea would be
A gross (f)art project.

Sent from my iPhone

81 downstairs

I'm getting too old
If one burger and one beer
Lead to this shitshow.

Sent from my iPhone

80 home

(Yesterday)

Stand up comedy
Is a lot funnier than
Sit down smellery.

Sent from my iPhone

79 downstairs

(Yesterday)

This shit was pleasant,
Painless, and smelled pretty good!
Happy April Fools!

Sent from my iPhone

78 home

More nasty dumpage.
Spellcheck doesn't like that word.
Neither does my nose.

Sent from my iPhone

77 home

Smells worse than normal.
And my normal's abnormal,
So look the fuck out.

Sent from my iPhone

76 home

Will this second dump
Be the fabled one to bring
Balance to the butt.

Sent from my iPhone

75 downstairs

Busy Saturday,
But I'll always make time for
Life's smelly moments.

Sent from my iPhone

74 downstairs

That was mid-grody.
Definitely not to the max,
But not bottom too.

Sent from my iPhone

73 kids’ bathroom

This shit symphony
Had percussion, wind, some horns,
And two long movements.

Sent from my iPhone

72 home

Did my sushi lunch
Get cooked during digestion?
It made my butt raw…

Sent from my iPhone

71 home

Ugh. Lots of wiping.
So much that I wondered if
It was the next log.

Sent from my iPhone

70 home

Halibut last night,
Smellybut this afternoon.
Damn near poetic.

Sent from my iPhone

69 home

Number 69.
It's funny because my logs
Almost made that shape.

Sent from my iPhone

68 home

That's weird. You'd think
I'd remember if I ate
A warm Fudgecicle.

Sent from my iPhone

67 home

Left a call for this.
Otherwise I would've been
Visibly clenching.

Sent from my iPhone

66 downstairs

Lots of stomach pain
And this didn't relieve much.
So…I hope there's more?

Sent from my iPhone

65 home

My butthole hates me.
And it's not fair because it's
Just doing its job.

Sent from my iPhone

64 home

If slow and steady
Wins the race, what do I get
With long and smelly?

Sent from my iPhone

63 downstairs

That was a big one.
Well, technically a big two
Since it broke in half.

Sent from my iPhone

62 home

I almost gave up,
Then a miracle happened.
I mean shit happened.

Sent from my iPhone

61 downstairs

It's raining outside,
But it's unfortunately
Too dry in my butt.

Sent from my iPhone

60 downstairs

There was more TP
Within reach under the sink.
Thank the fucking stars.

Sent from my iPhone

59 home

Strong gas pains last night,
But they've moved south to my butt
And north to my nose.

Sent from my iPhone

58 downstairs

(Yesterday)

Funny how it looks
Like a constrictor but acts
Like an expander.

Sent from my iPhone

57 downstairs

School presentations
Are more bearable when you're
Not holding in shit.

Sent from my iPhone

56 downstairs

The chiropractor
Should have an easier time
After this weight drop.

Sent from my iPhone

55 home

Yesterday

It's small but it counts.
That's not what she said. Hey-o!
It never gets old.

Sent from my iPhone

54 downstairs

Two well before noon.
It's like I'm cutting weight for
The work week ahead.

Sent from my iPhone

53 downstairs

This looks like The Thing
From Fantastic Four comics.
My nerd fans get it.

Sent from my iPhone

52 home

Bye, February.
We had some good times and some
Downright shit-filled ones.

Sent from my iPhone

51 kids’ bathroom

TGIF, folks!
No, I'm not gonna make it
Stand for "fart." Grow up.

Sent from my iPhone

50 home

Time between meetings
Means I don't have to worry
About a whoopsie.

Sent from my iPhone

49 kids’ bathroom

My kids don't know that
I'm destroying their bathroom,
And I think that's fine.

Sent from my iPhone

48 home

Call me Old Fairhful.
Not for regularity,
But for the geyser.

Sent from my iPhone

47 downstairs

Tummy was grumbly.
But this shit wasn't crumbly.
Just regular gross.

Sent from my iPhone

46 home

My butthole takes risks.
This shit was way out of its
Normal comfort zone.

Sent from my iPhone

45 downstairs

My wife's out of town,
And that's a good thing. Because
This smell could change things.

Sent from my iPhone

44 downstairs

I just missed out on
4 shits in a day to get
Number 44.

Sent from my iPhone

43 home

Third shit of the day,
But my intestines say a
Fourth is forthcoming.

Sent from my iPhone

42 home

My body feels like
It's in the white zone. Only
It's just unloading.

Sent from my iPhone

41 downstairs

It's Presidents' Day.
And this shit made me Rushmore
Than I wanted to.

Sent from my iPhone

40 downstairs

The sushi last night
Was raw, but then it got cooked
In my intestines.

Sent from my iPhone

39 home

I'm holding back from
Making a gross joke about
Assorted chocolates.

Sent from my iPhone

38 downstairs

For Valentine's Day,
You'd think this would be heart-shaped.
But you would be wrong.

Sent from my iPhone

37 home

If you thought you heard
Me making Alka Seltzer,
I would understand.

Sent from my iPhone

36 downstairs

There's "dry January,"
And based on the last two days,
Mush February.

Sent from my iPhone

35 home

Third turd! Have you heard?
I concurred that they occurred,
Though my vision's blurred.

Sent from my iPhone

34 home

I must've eaten
Something my body dislikes.
This is evidence.

Sent from my iPhone

33 downstairs

A rainy Wednesday,
But it feels more like Thursday.
Wait, I meant Turdsday.

Sent from my iPhone

32 work

There's one person here,
And he sits near the bathroom.
It's quick shittin' time!

Sent from my iPhone

31 downstairs

Super Bowl Sunday!
And I'm starting it off by
Punishing this bowl.

Sent from my iPhone

30 home

Yesterday

I had 5 minutes
And my butt took that challenge
Quite seriously.

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29 home

Farting up a storm
Turned to shitting up a storm.
All while it's raining.

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28 downstairs

Leaving for work soon,
And dropping this weight should help
My non-gas mileage.

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27 home

Big NBA trade
That has nothing to do with
Me shitting. But still.

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26 home

I almost clogged it
During my courtesy flush.
That's saying something.

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25 home

Super strong gas pains.
I was expecting something…
Grander. No complaints.

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24 kids’ bathroom

Quick Shittin' McGee
Is catchier than the name
Fast Poopin' Jones, right?

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23 home

I waited for home,
Which was good for privacy
But bad for wifey.

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22 kids’ bathroom

Quick break, then more work.
I mean, I count this as work
But it's unpaid work.

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21 home

From where I'm sitting,
I can't see myself. I bet
My face turned red though.

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20 home

Don't have time for this,
But I guess it's faster than
Cleaning soiled pants.

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19 downstairs

My butt sounded like
It was peeling out. So that
Explains the skid marks.

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18 downstairs

Delayed my shower
So I could get this out first.
No rookie moves here.

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17 work

Had to leave for work,
But light traffic gave me time
For pre-meeting shit.

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16 home

Don't call me Fart Man.
I'm a gentleman. Call me
Fartholomew Man.

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15 downstairs

I pushed for a bit,
But then I could sit back and
Let gravity work.

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14 home

This one was forceful.
Like "hold onto the toilet
For dear life" forceful.

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13 downstairs

Stopped my walk for this.
Probably a good thing since
Shitwalking ain't cool.

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12 downstairs

There's more coming soon.
It's just warming up in the
On-deck circle…hole.

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11 downstairs

It's a new work week,
And this is a bad omen:
So much sputtering.

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10 home

The school in Wicked
Is called Shiz. If I went there
I'd be the Shiznit.

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9 downstairs

This doesn't feel good.
In fairness, it smells bad too.
Jury's out on taste.

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8 downstairs

My ass is weary.
Both "my ass" meaning "my butt"
And just all of me.

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7 home

Yesterday

So much craziness,
But I can count on one thing:
This shit is solid.

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6 downstairs

Thursday
Evacuation
Is no excuse for me to
Forget a haiku.

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5 downstairs

You ever feel like
A human ketchup bottle?
No? Oh. Me neither.

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4 downstairs

My ass skipped a day,
But I could go twice today
To get crack on track.

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3 downstairs

Well looky here, folks!
The streak continues. In fact,
Just call me Shit Streak.

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2 downstairs

Two shits in two days.
If I keep that up…let's see…
I can't do that math.

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1 downstairs

So it's a new year,
And here I am with the same
Stinky ass poop hole.

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