97 downstairs

Chatting with my friend,
And said, "Oh, I gotta shit.
Like now. Right now." Click.

Sent from my iPhone

96 home

Went out for brunch and
Having dinner out later.
Pricey shits coming.

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95 home

Ok, there we go.
Feel like I got all of it…
Well, until next time.

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94 downstairs

Have to get my kids,
But first, I made a new one
And abandoned it.

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93 home

Well, a lot came out.
But I can't help but feel like
That was a preview.

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92 downstairs

Small shit before bed.
Maybe tomorrow morning
I'll get a full one.

Sent from my iPhone

91 downstairs

So glad this came now.
Meetings nonstop today, so
No other options.

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90 home

And there it is folks,
The fabled third dump, also
Known as a shat-trick.

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89 home

I just stopped going,
But think another's coming.
I'm a poo machine!

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88 kids’ bathroom

Tried before. No luck.
Tried again. Plenty of luck.
Well, "luck" isn't right.

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87 home

Torpedos away!
I should've yelled that out loud
But I chickened out.

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86 downstairs

Load in the washer
And a load in the toilet.
Get a load of me.

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85 downstairs

TGIF, yo.
"This grumbling is furious"
And the Friday thing.

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84 downstairs

Gotta move quickly.
Unbudgeted shitting time
Throws my mornings off.

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83 home

Today is Earth Day,
And it smells like manure here.
Doing my part, yo.

Sent from my iPhone

82 home

One more Sunday shit.
We're ending this weekend with
A really weak end.
Sent from my iPhone

81 downstairs

That wasn't a dump.
If anything, I'd call it
More of a slither.


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80 downstairs

What came out today?
Taylor Swift's new album and
My poorly-formed shit.

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79 downstairs

(Yesterday)
Dear gods of the farts,
I give you this offering
And ask for relief.

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78 downstairs

I'm leaving for work,
But first, I thought I should give
The toilet this gift.

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77 home

(Yesterday)
This was one of those
"I might need to—There it is!"
Types of shit sessions.

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76 downstairs

It pulsed out of me.
Know what I mean? If you do,
I'm really sorry.

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75 downstairs

The pasta's boiling
But so were my intestines,
So the food can wait.

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74 kids’ bathroom

This smells bad. I know.
But I'm grading on a curve
And this one smells bad.

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73 work

There was no traffic
On Ventura boulevard
Or in my rectum.

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72 downstairs

Ate too much last night,
But didn't think it would move
Through me this quickly.


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71 downstairs

(Yesterday)

Busy day ahead.
Maybe dropping this weight will
Make my load lighter?

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70 home

That one stormed the gates!
Had to end a call early
Then waddle quickly.

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69 downstairs

Spring break is over,
But butt break is in session.
Full, nasty session.

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68 home

You know when a shit
Comes out quick and pleasingly?
I don't. It's a myth.

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67 home

That wasn't the sound
Of a sad, dying ballon.
Alas, 'twas my butt.

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66 work

Getting paid to shit
Is like a dream - but not - since
I don't shit and sleep.

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65 downstairs

My twins are 14!
My real kids. Not those I just
Dropped off at the pool.

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64 home

It's a 4-banger
To kick off the year's 4th month.
It smells 4ible.
Sent from my iPhone

63 kids’ bathroom

Third shit, third bathroom.
Can we call it a day now?
I have ass fatigue.

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62 home

More shit already?
April's coming out swinging!
(Not literally)

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61 downstairs

It's April Fools, but
This is no laughing matter.
It's real. Real stinky.

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60 home

Is it ironic
To come back from Hawaii
And then spew lava?

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59 downstairs

Back home and shitting.
Honestly, I'm not happy
About either part.

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58 Kauai hotel lobby

Heading home today,
But first, I must leave a gift:
Gross shit. Mahalo.

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59 Kauai hotel room

Last Hawaii shit?
Sure hope so, because my butt
Made many islands.

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57 Kauai hotel room

This fancy toilet
Has a built in bidet but
It's no match for…this.

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56 Kauai hotel

About to kayak.
That's a palindrome. Just like
Poop and poopwowpoop.

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55 Kauai hotel

It took a long time,
And all those meals created
This poo-poo platter.

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54 kids’ bathroom

Time to get to work.
I mean actual work, not
The butt-wiping kind.

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53 downstairs

Goodbye, TP roll.
You did your job well, and it
Was a shitty job.


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52 downstairs

This windowless room
Has to sit with my odor
For far, far too long.

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51 home

The sound my butt made
Is hard to describe. I guess
"Blurgle plop" is close.

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50 downstairs

A week from today,
I may shit in Hawaii.
Poi jokes are coming.

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49 home

This is number 4.
Same number as the horsemen.
Oh you know which ones.

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48 kids’ bathroom

Third shit, third bathroom.
If I have to go again,
Should I go outside?

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47 home

The long, snaky shit
Slithered out of my asshole.
How appropriate.

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46 downstairs

Early morning shit!
I feel like I've already
Accomplished something.


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45 kids’ bathroom

Those chicken tenders
Weren't tender on their way out.
Or chicken, frankly.


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44 downstairs

Those weren't sound effects,
That was real-life noise, my friends.
Including the "Bam!"

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43 downstairs

I'm done with the cleanse,
But my ass needs its own now.
Yeah, it wasn't good.

Sent from my iPhone

42 home

The chiropractor
Produced a lot of cracks but
Left this crack alone.

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41 downstairs

Quick one before work.
I mean, this is also work,
But the unpaid kind.

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40 home

My old magic trick!
I made the TP look like
The Japanese flag.

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39 downstairs

Paused my morning walk
To lighten my load a bit.
'Twas more than a bit.

Sent from my iPhone

38 downstairs

Ate food from health nut,
But see no signs of health here.
Or nuts, actually.

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37 kids’ bathroom

Post cleaning crew shits
Make me sad face emoji.
And poop emoji.

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36 kids’ bathroom

Beat the cleaning crew!
Nothing worse than dirtying
Your pristine toilet.

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35 home

Really had to go
Yesterday morning. Somehow
It waited til now.


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34 kids’ bathroom

It's trifecta time!
It's the work week's third day and
My super turd day.

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33 downstairs

Guess I wasn't done.
It's not "2 for Tuesday," so
Maybe I'll have more.

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32 downstairs

I'm not gonna lie,
Sitting feels nice, even with
An active rectum.

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31 downstairs

It's a rainy day,
But my butthole's conditions
Are much, much drier.

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30 kids’ bathroom

The kids are away,
So I'm ruining their bathroom,
And they can't say shit.

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29 home

Wife is out of town,
So this stink is mine alone
Instead of half hers.

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28 home

My second today,
And to pick an adjective,
I'd go with "eager."

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27 home

Does everyone think,
"Diarrhea, cha cha cha"
Or is it just me?


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26 downstairs

Quick one before work.
Though this should count as work too,
Because I'm sweating.

Sent from my iPhone

25 work

That was pretty quick,
And I appreciate that.
(No one knows I shit.)

Sent from my iPhone

24 downstairs

Another Monday,
But at least I won a square,
So that's like ok.

Sent from my iPhone

23 home

Super Bowl Sunday,
But this toilet bowl's view is
Quite far from super.


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22 home

Comedy show soon.
Good thing I got these farts out.
Cuz they ain't funny.

Sent from my iPhone

21 downstairs

This one is nasty,
But who's counting? Oh that's right.
I am. I'm counting.

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20 home

It's now or never.
Well, now or like 6pm.
Basically never.

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19 home

The Weather Channel
Said to beware of mudslides.
Ya know, I'll stop there.

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18 downstairs

Open the floodgates!
I would say mudgates but that's
Really disgusting.

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17 downstairs

Has it been that long?
Wow. If so, that would explain
Whatever this is.

Sent from my iPhone

16 home

Back to normal-ish,
Which still means gross and smelly.
That's feces for ya!

Sent from my iPhone

15 home

Hey diarrhea,
Starting with "die" is spot on,
But what's arrhea?


Sent from my iPhone

14 downstairs

I think that one's done,
But kinda have to go more.
Sunday Funday, right?

Sent from my iPhone

13 downstairs

Second of the day,
And just like The Godfather,
A third would be bad.

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12 downstairs

The word "unpleasant"
Doesn't cover it enough.
More like "displeasant."

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11 downstairs

This will make me late,
But what's my other option?
Shitting in traffic?

Sent from my iPhone

10 home

I almost forgot,
But even quick and clean dumps
Deserve a haiku.

Sent from my iPhone

9 home

My hole was empty,
And then there was shit. Ta-da!
Next trick coming soon.

Sent from my iPhone

8 kids’ bathroom

By a show of hands,
Who likes messy shits? No one?
Then who ordered this?


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7 kids’ bathroom

This shit was boring.
Unremarkable, and I
Don't mind it one bit.

Sent from my iPhone

6 home

Sinus infection
Doesn't explain the pressure
In this cavity.

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5 kids’ bathroom

What's up, my body?
Five shit in twelve days? I sense
Some big days ahead.

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4 home

I still have a cold,
But I'm doing well enough
That I can smell this.

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3 home

I got a bad cold.
Doesn't explain why my butt
Is also stuffed up.


Sent from my iPhone

2 home

It took 6 whole days
For me to make #2.
You know what I mean.

Sent from my iPhone

1 downstairs

First shit of the year.
And just like today's weather,
It's dark and stormy.

Sent from my iPhone