180 home

Hope I got two more
So the poop ratio is
1 every 2 days.

Sent from my iPhone

179 home (kids’ bathroom)

Carly's got art class
But I could teach a fart class.
Upper division.

Sent from my iPhone

178 work

Yesterday

It's my dad's birthday,
And I'm fathering this shit.
Circle of life, yo.

Sent from my iPhone

177 work

This should count as 2.
That's still just half the number
Of toilet flushes.

Sent from my iPhone

176 work (downstairs)

It didn't get clogged?
I'd say "Christmas miracle"
But that's tomorrow.

Sent from my iPhone

175 home (kids’ bathroom)

Upon wiping, I
Expected to just see brown
But got red. Surprise!

Sent from my iPhone

174 home

That was super gross.
Sorry, cleaning lady, but
This one is all you.

Sent from my iPhone

173 home (kids’ bathroom)

I made a mistake
And had Taco Bell for lunch.
This is my penance.

Sent from my iPhone

172 home (kids’ bathroom)

Yesterday

I guess my body
Didn't want the nutrients
From all this brown mush.


Sent from my iPhone

171 home

I don't remember,
But at some point I must have
Had a few Mudslides.

Sent from my iPhone

170 home

Just like the trial
This is dragging on and on.
But this smells much worse.

Sent from my iPhone

169 home (kids’ bathroom)

Back to the courthouse.
I'm preparing by sitting
And dealing with shit.

Sent from my iPhone

It's awesome! http://season.estheticainc.com You should try it!

 

Paul Klein

 

 

 

168 home

I think I'm good now.
Stomach was off a few days,
But that shit be gone.

Sent from my iPhone

167 Van Nuys courthouse

Wait, what? You shit where?
That should tell you all about
How great the urge was.

Sent from my iPhone

166 home (downstairs)

Glad I got this out
Because nobody likes a
Stinky juror box.

Sent from my iPhone

165 home

Happy Hanukkah!
I'm glad there's no menorah
Close to this ass gas.

Sent from my iPhone

This is my favorite one http://truth.yourtrade.co/go31

Paul Klein

 

 

 

164 home (kids’ bathroom)

Ugh, jury duty
After dropping this kids off.
The real kids, that is.

Sent from my iPhone

163 home

Gotta get this out
Before bad things happen at
The trampoline place.

Sent from my iPhone

162 home

From Friday:

Post-Thanksgiving dump.
Make me want to call the day
"Light Brownish Friday."

Sent from my iPhone

161 home (downstairs)

Happy Thanksgiving!
So much to be thankful for,
Like indoor plumbing.

Sent from my iPhone

160 home

I just unloaded.
That was a shitload of shit.
And yet I sense more.

Sent from my iPhone

159 home (downstairs)

4 days between shits.
You can tell by the volume.
Oh, and the volume.

Sent from my iPhone

158 home

It's nice when my shit
Reminds me of what I ate.
Hi, spicy salsa!

Sent from my iPhone

157 home (kids’ bathroom)

Wednesday

A triple flusher!
Based on yesterday, I could
Poop for the cycle.

Sent from my iPhone

156 home (kids’ bathroom)

Tuesday

I got distracted
By playing Bricks and Balls, so
This is late. My bad.

Sent from my iPhone

Re:

I can highly recommend it! http://desktop.saltmarshecottages.co.uk

 

Paul Klein

 

 

 

155 home

Lost big in soccer,
And then I lost a few pounds.
Good day for losing.

Sent from my iPhone

154 home (kids’ bathroom)

Post-Halloween shit
Has hollowed out my insides
Jack-O'Lantern-esque.

Sent from my iPhone

153 home (kids’ bathroom)

Happy Halloween!
My butt dressed as an old peach
With food poisoning.

Sent from my iPhone

152 home (kids’ bathroom)

10/30/18

Note to self: Don't eat
The food you ate yesterday.
Whatever that was.

Sent from my iPhone

151 NYC hotel

10/27/18

Shitting my brains out
Right before Scotty's wedding
In the Big Crapple!

Sent from my iPhone

150 work (downstairs)

This is a gross one.
Maybe three types of salsa
Is one too many.

Sent from my iPhone

149 home

Jury duty then
A night of poker. That's new.
My butt's like, "What's up?"

Sent from my iPhone

148 work (downstairs)

Then there was this one.
Hints of coffee, orange chicken,
And fecal matter.

Sent from my iPhone

147 home

First from yesterday.
I forgot to write until
This morning. All true.

Sent from my iPhone

146 home (kids’ bathroom)

I think my butthole
And my mouth-hole just made the
Same weird grunting sound.

Sent from my iPhone

145 home (downstairs)

That came on quickly.
Makes sense, since the food was from
A surprise party.

Sent from my iPhone

144 work (yesterday)

My day's pretty packed,
But I guess my shit isn't
(Judging by the sound).

Sent from my iPhone

143 NYC hotel

The subways smell good
Compared to what I'm making.
You're welcome, New York.

Sent from my iPhone

142 home (kids’ bathroom)

Had Indian food,
But now I must say "sari"
To this poor toilet.

Sent from my iPhone

141 home

Was supposed to rain,
But didn't, so my butt is
Making up for it.

Sent from my iPhone

140 home (downstairs)

Yesterday, my shit
Was memorable, yet I
Forgot to write this.


Sent from my iPhone

139 home (kids’ bathroom)

Before Trader Joe's,
I needed to empty my
Stomach's shopping cart.

Sent from my iPhone

138 home (kids’ bathroom)

I played gin rummy,
Then I emptied my tummy.
Now I feel crummy.

Sent from my iPhone

137 home (downstairs)

I took out the trash,
Then I brought the garbage cans
Out to the front curb.

Sent from my iPhone

136 home (downstairs)

That stir fry for lunch
Is now a gross morning shit.
Asians are speedy!

Sent from my iPhone

135 home

My shit is little.
If I were to nickname it,
I would go with "Squirt."

Sent from my iPhone

134 home (downstairs)

Soccer game later.
I'll be roaming the sidelines
A few pounds lighter.

Sent from my iPhone

133 home (downstairs)

I have to atone
For the smell I created.
Hey - it's Yom Kippur!

Sent from my iPhone

Re:

 

http://just.targetlawsuit.org

Paul Klein

 

132 home

I swear that hot dog
Didn't have chili on it,
So what's going on?

Sent from my iPhone

131 home (downstairs)

Yet again, pizza
Leads to next day nasty shits.
Will I ever learn?

Sent from my iPhone

130 SLC Marriott room

So tonight's sushi
Should probably have fewer
Scorching hot peppers.

Sent from my iPhone

129 SLC Marriott room

I'm making room for
Delicious sushi and beer.
Lots of room it seems.

Sent from my iPhone

128 home (kids’ bathroom)

Twice in one morning!
This reminds me of the time
I...I got nothing.

Sent from my iPhone

127 home (downstairs)

Played poker last night,
And came in second. So I'm
(Ahem) number 2.

Sent from my iPhone

126 home

Fun fact! Shrimp gumbo
Looks exactly the same pre-
And post-digestion!

Sent from my iPhone

125 home

"Labor Day" is right:
I'm giving birth to five pounds
Of old-food-baby.

Sent from my iPhone

124 work (downstairs)

Here early today,
Which I like, so I can shit
In relative peace.

Sent from my iPhone

123 home

Come on, gravity.
Do your job better so I
Push and strain less.

Sent from my iPhone

122 home (downstairs)

Dodger Dogs and beers
Were fun while watching the game,
But this...this is gross.

Sent from my iPhone

121 home (downstairs)

These damn narcotics
Are making me all backed up.
But sadly, not high.

Sent from my iPhone

120 home

Glad that my bruised rib
Doesn't hurt me when I'm in
Shitting position.

Sent from my iPhone

119 home (kids’ bathroom)

That protein shake said
It had "pea protein," but this
Feels like the "poo" kind.

Sent from my iPhone

Re:

 

http://new.brancothing.com

 

Paul Klein

 

 

118 work (downstairs)

What type of downpour
Came storming out of my ass?
Torrential, of course.

Sent from my iPhone

117 home (downstairs)

About to be coached
On coaching a soccer team.
No puns, just sharing.

Sent from my iPhone

116 home (downstairs)

Had poké for lunch,
Now it's poking out my ass.
Japanglish wordplay!

Sent from my iPhone

115 home

Two shits before 8?
It's like I don't even know
My butt anymore.

Sent from my iPhone

114 home (downstairs)

That Memphis food was
Delicious...but heavy and
Not great for my ass.

Sent from my iPhone

113 Memphis hotel room

I'm very thankful
That the crispy fried chicken
Softened up a bit.

Sent from my iPhone

112 home (downstairs)

I hate wasting food,
But maybe that was too much
Seasoned taco meat.

Sent from my iPhone

111 home

That was fast and gross.
Then fast again and more gross.
Then slower. Still gross.

Sent from my iPhone

110 home

I give equal time
To all 3 states of matter,
Which isn't ideal.

Sent from my iPhone

109 Vegas - Planet Hollywood casino

Peeing out the butt
While someone three stalls over
Pukes loudly. Vegas!

Sent from my iPhone

108 Vegas - Park MGM casino floor

Just lost some money,
And now I'm losing some weight.
But gaining a smell.

Sent from my iPhone

107 home

Getting blood work done,
So I'm fasting this morning.
And fast-pooping too.

Sent from my iPhone

106 home

There is zero doubt
That this was yesterday's lunch.
Why? Sesame seeds.

Sent from my iPhone

105 home (downstairs)

Yikes, a three-flusher.
And yet the smell still lingers.
That's powerful shit.

Sent from my iPhone

104 home (downstairs)

Oh hi, Ojai food.
It's good to see you again.
Welcome to L.A.

Sent from my iPhone

103 home

Look out everyone!
Run for your lives! The stool is
Loose! The stool is loose!

Sent from my iPhone

102 home

Those probiotics
Don't fuck around. My asshole
Can attest to that.

Sent from my iPhone

101 home (downstairs)

I courtesy-flushed
For just my own well-being.
Be kind to yourself.

Sent from my iPhone

100 home

We hit 100!
I'd like to thank my fans and
My Mexican food.

Sent from my iPhone

99 work (downstairs)

Ate a macaroon,
Then shit out a cannoli.
Stomach magic, yo.

Sent from my iPhone

98 home

Filet mignon dumps
Are tender, well-marbled, and...
Have a pink center?

Sent from my iPhone

97 home

The 5th of July
Should be it's own holiday.
With fireworks too.

Sent from my iPhone

96 home

Even though I'm done,
I still have some stomach pains,
So I'll be back soon.

Sent from my iPhone

95 home

The hits keep coming!
Oh wait - I didn't mean "hits."
Shits. Sorry 'bout that.

Sent from my iPhone

94 home

The 4th of July
Is days away, but my ass
Is pre-partying.

Sent from my iPhone

93 home

41 years old,
And yet I manage to shit
Like I'm still 40.

Sent from my iPhone

92 home (kids’ bathroom)

Last shit of 40!
At least I hope so, because
It smelled god awful.

Sent from my iPhone

91 home

Glorious Monday.
The work week begins anew,
And I shit liquid.

Sent from my iPhone

90 home (kids’ bathroom)

Before Trader Joe's
I'm doing my version of
"Organic produce."

Sent from my iPhone

89 Yosemite cabin

Packing up our stuff,
And unpacking my anus.
Thanks, Yosemite.

Sent from my iPhone

88 Yosemite (cabin, kids’ bathroom)

I must've eaten
Food with some kind of Fast Pass
For my intestines.

Sent from my iPhone

87 Yosemite (cabin)

Yesterday's shit was
So big, I forgot to make
A Father's Day pun.

Sent from my iPhone

86 Yosemite (cabin)

This elevation
Has really clogged up my ears
But unclogged my ass.

Sent from my iPhone

85 home (kids’ bathroom)

Ate two burritos
Two days ago. Now this is
Way two disgusting.

Sent from my iPhone

84 work

It's a 3 flusher!
The bathroom referee has
His hands in the air.

Sent from my iPhone

83 home (kids’ bathroom)

I'm sad that my shit
Didn't match the play we saw:
The Color Purple.

Sent from my iPhone

82 work

Got to work early,
And thought I could shit in peace,
But...fucking Travis.

Sent from my iPhone

81 home

The best adjective
To describe this shit session
Would be "volcanic."

Sent from my iPhone

80 home

I can't pinpoint why,
But "Thursday Bloody Thursday"
Doesn't sound as good.

Sent from my iPhone

79 home

I just rocked so much
That I'm pretty sure I earned
Some kind of Grammy.

Sent from my iPhone

78 home

Had to strain a bit,
But I came out a winner
In the end. (Get it?!?!?!)

Sent from my iPhone

77 home

There's the rest of it.
At least I think that's the rest.
I never can tell.

Sent from my iPhone

76 home

It's called "Charlie Brown"
Because I just said, "Good grief."
(And because it's brown.)

Sent from my iPhone

75 home

Thankfully, my lunch
(Ground beef and tomato soup)
Congealed and turned brown.

Sent from my iPhone

74 work

I ate steak tacos
But shat out enchiladas.
I know, I'm proud too.

Sent from my iPhone

73 home (downstairs)

So much liquid shit.
I kept trying to find the
Spigot to turn off.

Sent from my iPhone

72 Los Olivos garage/pool bathroom

Guess I wasn't done.
I just shed a few more pounds
Before driving home.

Sent from my iPhone

71 Los Olivos garage/pool bathroom

I hear frogs croaking.
Seriously. It's not just
The sound of my butt.

Sent from my iPhone

69 home

My stomach's not right.
The way it's acting is like
It drank too much beer.

Sent from my iPhone

68 home (downstairs)

Happy Mother's Day
To me. I just gave birth to
3.5 children.

Sent from my iPhone

67 home

Gonna play soccer,
So first I'm taking a shit
In the toilet BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWLLLLLLL!!!!!!

Sent from my iPhone

66 home

My farts were potent,
But my shit isn't that bad.
Little victories.

Sent from my iPhone

65 home (downstairs)

That new hot salsa
Went right through me, leaving a
Searing, spicy trail.

Sent from my iPhone

64 home

It's Seis de Mayo,
And of course I feel like a
Human piñata.

Sent from my iPhone

63 home (kids’ bathroom)

It's good to be home.
And it's also good to shed
Seven pounds of shit.

Sent from my iPhone

62 Memphis (airport)

My flight is delayed
But this shit just wouldn't wait.
Thanks, Rendezvous Ribs!

Sent from my iPhone

61 Memphis (hotel)

So much fried chicken
That there's no way this is it.
I'm sure I'll be back.

Sent from my iPhone

60 home (downstairs)

O buffalo wings!
Your taste lures me in, but you
Burn me in the end.


Sent from my iPhone

59 home (kids’ bathroom)

Amber's en route to
LAX, while my rectum
Fully reLAXes.

Sent from my iPhone

58 home (downstairs)

Wait - thad Dodger Dog
Didn't have any chili
When I ate it. Weird.

Sent from my iPhone

57 home (downstairs)

Stopped making breakfast
- children are going hungry -
Because of this dump.

Sent from my iPhone

56 SLC hotel

Had Ruth's Chris last night,
So this shit is expensive,
But it smells the same.

Sent from my iPhone

55 SLC hotel

Barely made it here.
The check-in process was long.
Thank god my key worked.

Sent from my iPhone

54 work

Each time I unclench,
Some more liquid shit comes out.
Guess I live here now.

Sent from my iPhone

53 home

I went from drizzle
To a full on thunderstorm
In five seconds flat.

Sent from my iPhone

52 home

Well now I feel gross,
But I guess that's what you get
When you shit like this.

Sent from my iPhone
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51 home

You'll think I'm lying,
But that fart took ten seconds.
I wish I'd taped it.

Sent from my iPhone

50 home

My eyes are closing
Despite my ass opening.
Silly body holes.

Sent from my iPhone

49 home

The kids had birthdays,
And I had some shitty food.
Guess which led me here.

Sent from my iPhone

48 home (downstairs)

Played poker last night,
And now my shit is poking
Right out me asshole.

Sent from my iPhone

46 work

I ate something bad.
Maybe not rotten, per se,
But bad for my ass.

Sent from my iPhone

46 home

Sometimes I wish that
I could unhinge my asshole.
I mean, it would help.

Sent from my iPhone

45 home

My butt was like, "Yo,
I gots to tell you something."
But then he threw up.

Sent from my iPhone

44 home

About to shower,
And that's a really good thing.
Cuz this shit nasty.

Sent from my iPhone

43 work

Rebecca Black sang,
"Gotta get down on Friday."
So I'm sitting down.

Sent from my iPhone

 

http://have.stewart-family.us

 

Paul Klein

42 home (downstairs)

Whew! I just shat out
Some "life, the universe, and
Everything" I ate.

Sent from my iPhone

41 work

I was sitting down
While watching stand-up. I'm the
Grand Old Dook of York.

Sent from my iPhone

40 home (downstairs)

Mason's baseball game
Is coming up, but my ass
Just had a foul out.

Sent from my iPhone

39 home

Still got more brewing,
But this should suffice for now.
Give dat ass a break.

Sent from my iPhone

38 home

After giant farts,
I'm shitting out small pebbles.
Kind of a let down.

Sent from my iPhone

37 home

Those two giant logs
Felt like they weighted five pounds each.
Who needs a diet?

Sent from my iPhone

37 home (downstairs)

March Madness brackets
And intestinal madness:
What a fitting pair!

Sent from my iPhone

36 home (kids’ bathroom)

Gingerly shitting
With a band-aid on my balls.
I feel really old.

Sent from my iPhone

35 home

Hey, diarrhea.
Just saying hi before my
Vasectomy? Thanks!

Sent from my iPhone

34 work (from yesterday)

My vasectomy
Is tomorrow. That is all.
Nothing witty here.

Sent from my iPhone

33 work (downstairs)

Took the bigger stall,
And my shit stink expanded
To fill up the space.

Sent from my iPhone

32 home

Oh Indian food,
Now my stomach feels like a
Tandoori oven.

Sent from my iPhone

31 work (downstairs)

I started to wipe,
Then stopped to shit a bit more.
Should write a renga.


Sent from my iPhone

30 home

My asshole needs a
Speech pathologist because
It keeps stuttering.

Sent from my iPhone

29 home

Taco Bell's slogan
Should - from this moment on - be
"Run for the bathroom."

Sent from my iPhone

28 work (downstairs)

That's a lot of shit.
It's hard to quantify, but
Around a shitload.

Sent from my iPhone

27 home

Amber's back in town,
So I can ignore Mason's
Yelling from downstairs.

Sent from my iPhone

26 work (downstairs)

I wish orange chicken
Translated better into
A nice, citrus shit.

Sent from my iPhone

25 home

Amber's leaving for
Chicago, but my butt is
The Windy Shitty.

Sent from my iPhone

24 home

Now my punk rock band
Called "Likwid Shytt" is catchy
And accurate too!

Sent from my iPhone

23 home

More diarrhea?
Next time I won't eat any
Diarrhea. Oh.

Sent from my iPhone

22 home

Oh Diarrhea,
You're such a pretty word, but
Gross everything else.


Sent from my iPhone

21 home

Home with a sick boy.
Well, that makes it easier
To shit my brains out.

Sent from my iPhone

20 home

This isn't a joke:
I shit about 5 pounds worth
And have more to go.

Sent from my iPhone

 

http://request.fashionjewelrychannel.com

 

Paul Klein

 

19 Utah (Marriott)

Well, those deviled eggs
Ended up getting scrambled.
With a side of shit.

Sent from my iPhone

18 Utah (Marriott)

Oh spicy sushi,
How you make your presence known
The morning after.

Sent from my iPhone

17 home (downstairs)

Unloading before
My morning flight to Utah.
We'll need less fuel now.

Sent from my iPhone

16 work (downstairs)

I just created
A brand new Girl Scout cookie:
Fudge Speckled Splatter.


Sent from my iPhone

15 home

Wait, more liquid shit?
That's fine, but the bubbles are
Unnecessary.


Sent from my iPhone

14 home

Blowing my nose while
Blowing shit out of my ass.
I'm, like, talented.

Sent from my iPhone

13 work

(From yesterday)
Courtesy flushes
Make everyone happier.
What an invention!

Sent from my iPhone

12 work

Sounds like Old Faithful,
But lacks the timing aspect.
Oh, and it spews shit.

Sent from my iPhone

11 work (downstairs)

The dude next to me
Is wiping his ass like he's
Scrubbing dirty plates.

Sent from my iPhone

10 home

It's one of those shits
That makes me think, "When did I
Eat jalapeños?"

Sent from my iPhone

9 home

Our boy's sick at home,
So I'm weekday home dumping.
I guess we all win.

Sent from my iPhone

8 work (downstairs)

I barely made it.
Like "walking-funny-checked-my-
Underwear" barely.


Sent from my iPhone

7 San Francisco hotel

We're in The City
I made this toilet shitty.
And that ain't pretty.

Sent from my iPhone

6 work (downstairs)

Nothing like some blood
To cap off a painful shit.
Nice splash of color.

Sent from my iPhone

5 home (kids’ bathroom)

Seems that I've lost my
Ability to process
Chipotle goodness.

Sent from my iPhone

 

http://save.americanstraps.info

Paul Klein

4 home

It's raining outside.
My butt wanted to match it.
Who likes liquid shit?!?!?

Sent from my iPhone

3 home

Was that high pitch whine
From my nose or from my butt?
We may never know.

Sent from my iPhone

2 Work

That log was giant.
You could build a house with that.
A birdhouse, but still.

Sent from my iPhone

1 Home

First shit of the year!
And something new for '18:
Dump location stats!

Sent from my iPhone