Re: 502 downstairs

402, not 502.  Silly Peter.

On Sat, Dec 31, 2022 at 7:24 AM Peter Klein <ptklein@gmail.com> wrote:

Last shit of the year?
I don't know, man. I feel like
I have more in me.

Sent from my iPhone

502 downstairs

Last shit of the year?
I don't know, man. I feel like
I have more in me.

Sent from my iPhone

401 home

He isn't done, folks!
Reminiscent of Maguire
Hitting 70.


Sent from my iPhone

400! Downstairs

To all the doubters,
This proves that I really made
Something of myself.

Sent from my iPhone

399 downstairs

400 is nigh.
Prepare yourself. Gird your loins.
Invest in nose plugs.

Sent from my iPhone

398 downstairs

It's my dad's birthday,
And yet I'm the one who is
Fathering something.

Sent from my iPhone

397 downstairs

It's my half-birthday
But I just made a full shit.
Scratch that - two full shits.

Sent from my iPhone

396 downstairs

Since it's Boxing Day,
I figured I'd unpack my
Overstuffed shitbox.

Sent from my iPhone

395 home

Like Argentina,
This shit should be well known for
Its great Messi-ness.

Sent from my iPhone

394 home

Back on a good pace.
Ending this historic run
With several bangs.

Sent from my iPhone

393 downstairs

In the final stretch!
Speaking of stretch, my asshole
Is a fucking champ.

Sent from my iPhone

392 home

Braised lamb with pasta,
Appetizers, and desserts
All turn into shit.

Sent from my iPhone

391 downstairs

Fancy meal last night.
My body might be confused
And want it out fast.

Sent from my iPhone

390 downstairs

We're getting closer!
Could I end on 400?
That would be awesome.

Sent from my iPhone

389 home

I'll need one a day
To get to 400 shits.
Will I make it? Duh.

Sent from my iPhone

388 home

And there it is folks:
4th time's the charm if you want
Gross, watery shit.

Sent from my iPhone

387 downstairs

My third shit today,
Plus some head and body aches.
Isn't that just grand?

Sent from my iPhone

386 downstairs

This one was normal,
And I'm pleasantly surprised.
No one likes shit juice.

Sent from my iPhone

385 downstairs

Just a couple squirts
But here I go, because I'm
A man of my turd.

Sent from my iPhone

384 kids’ bathroom

Alone in the house
And three toilets to choose from.
I'm sorry, children.

Sent from my iPhone

383 downstairs

Both kids were unwell,
And I'm guessing my stomach
Was a bit jealous.

Sent from my iPhone

382 downstairs

Hey turkey meatloaf,
You look different than before.
But not that different.

Sent from my iPhone

381 home

Unhappy stomachs
Are like unhappy people:
They're both full of shit.

Sent from my iPhone

380 home

I knew from the fart
That this was gonna be gross.
From the very fart.

Sent from my iPhone

379 home

Wife's gone for the night,
Which should be enough time for
The stench to vacate.

Sent from my iPhone

378 kids’ bathroom

I wiped so much that
The toilet paper looked like
The Japanese flag.

Sent from my iPhone

377 downstairs

I was short on time,
But I'm glad I got that out.
It seemed…in a rush.

Sent from my iPhone

376 downstairs

If loose lips sink ships,
What do loose stools do? I know -
They sink my spirits.

Sent from my iPhone

375 home

Sorry, clean toilet.
While your existence was brief,
It was meaningful.

Sent from my iPhone

374 home

Cleaning crew's coming,
And I guess I want their work
To be challenging.

Sent from my iPhone

373 downstairs

I guess it's too much
To have salmon, prime rib, filet, crab,
And more in one meal.

Sent from my iPhone

372 downstairs

My wife's work party
Was great. Plus it gave me a
Morning souvenir.

Sent from my iPhone

371 home

There's the messy shit.
This one was true to form, or
Truly, lack of form.

Sent from my iPhone

370 downstairs

My butt surprised me!
This felt like a messy one
But wiping was quick.

Sent from my iPhone

369 downstairs

The Spicy Butthole
Isn't just a good band name.
It's reality.

Sent from my iPhone

368 downstairs

I know there's more, but
I kinda need to leave now.
Life. Am I right, dudes?

Sent from my iPhone

367 downstairs

My back hurts again.
Could intestinal pressure
Be contributing?

Sent from my iPhone

366 home

They call it Wing Stop,
But it would be more fitting
As O-Ring Go Go!

Sent from my iPhone

365 home

I'm beyond humbled
To break the shit-a-day mark.
I need one more? Fuck!

Sent from my iPhone

364 home

At brunch with our friends,
I ate, drank, told stories, laughed,
And clenched my butthole.



Sent from my iPhone

363 home

Pre-Thanksgiving dumps
Seem to be like "my thing" now.
Who needs a degree?

Sent from my iPhone

362 downstairs

Pre-PT poo poo
Is predictably pungent
From Peter's…passhole.

Sent from my iPhone

361 downstairs

Thanksgiving Eve Eve
Shall henceforth be referred to
As Light Brown Tuesday.

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360 work

It would've been great
If I ended the year with
Number three sixty.

Sent from my iPhone

359 work

Glad I got this out.
Sharing an office this week,
And…yeah, he's lucky.

Sent from my iPhone

358 downstairs

Sunday morning shits
Should be - per Lionel Ritchie -
Easy. This was not.

Sent from my iPhone

357 home

Thanksgiving is soon!
Well, a week away, but I'll
Start making room now.

Sent from my iPhone

356 downstairs

More PT later,
So shitting now is like the
Stank before the plank.

Sent from my iPhone

355 home

After a long day,
I want to take a load off,
Not make an odd loaf.

Sent from my iPhone

354 downstairs

It's Tuesday evening,
And I made a number 2
That was Too stinky.

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353 downstairs

Worked out my biceps,
But I'm still able to wipe.
You're impressed, I know.

Sent from my iPhone

352 downstairs

End of the weekend,
And I'm capping it off with
A hard, pungent dump.

Sent from my iPhone

351 home

It's like this podcast
Comes with bonus content of
A shitty smelltrack.

Sent from my iPhone

350 kids’ bathroom

Just a tiny shit,
But it came out of my butt,
So here's a haiku.

Sent from my iPhone

349 kids’ bathroom

Three Fifty is next,
With nearly two months to go.
Un. Precedented.

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348 kids’ bathroom

I hope I don't get
My daughter's stomach bug, 'cause
I'm shitting plenty.

Sent from my iPhone

347 downstairs

I proposed marriage
20 years ago today.
It was not shitty.

Sent from my iPhone

346 downstairs

My butt can't be fooled
By the Daylight Savings change.
It shits when it wants.

Sent from my iPhone

345 home

Just walked in the door
And am already shitting.
My body was clear.

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344 Santa Ynez house

Packing up to leave,
And this dump should save me some
Major gas money.

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343 Santa Ynez house

It's a shared bathroom,
So I sense there may be some
Apologizing.

Sent from my iPhone

342 home

Third shit already.
But can he go for 4, folks?
Stay tuned to find out!

Sent from my iPhone

341 downstairs

Was in Trader Joe's
When I felt this one brewing.
Glad there was no line.

Sent from my iPhone

340 home

Here's another one.
So far, November has a
Good (but gross) showing.

Sent from my iPhone

339 downstairs

It's lovely to watch
Taco Tuesday turn into
Wow That Hurts Wednesday.

Sent from my iPhone

338 downstairs

My dogs are hungry,
But I had to do this first.
Hope they understand.

Sent from my iPhone

337 home

Shitting in costume

Just doesn't do it for me. 

It's still my asshole. 

Sent from my iPhone

336 work

Almost Halloween,
But I'm getting in early
With this spooky poo.

Sent from my iPhone

335 kids’ bathroom

My body is sore,
And I guess my asshole felt
A little left out.

Sent from my iPhone

334 kids’ bathroom

Third one of the day,
And my stomach's still not right.
My poor butt. And nose.

Sent from my iPhone

333 downstairs

Postponed my shower
So I could shit first. Good call.
Clean up aisle Klein.

Sent from my iPhone

332 downstairs

This kinda looks like
The "don't tread on me" snake thing,
Complete with segments.

Sent from my iPhone

331 work

I don't like this shit.
It's requiring more time
Than i care to spend.

Sent from my iPhone

330 downstairs

Back from Jewish camp,
Where I didn't shit once, and
God said it was good


Sent from my iPhone

329 downstairs

I squeezed this shit in
Before my busy day starts.
Squeezed it out, I mean.

Sent from my iPhone

328 downstairs

My butt's unhappy,
But to be fair, it's not like
It can really smile.

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327 downstairs

Sick wife and sick son.
Trying my best to stay well,
But this shit smells sick.

Sent from my iPhone

326 downstairs

I ate stupidly.
Buffalo wings, ribs, and steak.
My ass ain't happy.

Sent from my iPhone

325 downstairs

My wife has Covid,
And my butt has…whatever
Caused this nasty shit.

Sent from my iPhone

324 home

Just came from PT
And now I'm using TP.
Nice one, universe.

Sent from my iPhone

323 downstairs

This is a rough one,
With an appearance from all
3 states of matter.

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322 downstairs

My watch should give me
Exercise minutes for this.
I mean, I'm sweating.

Sent from my iPhone

321 work

Another Monday.
Time to shake off the rust and -
My bad, that's not rust.

Sent from my iPhone

320 home

Did I miss a poop?
I'm usually good with that,
But it's possible.

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319 home

Ran out of TP
Just as I finished wiping.
Could've been ugly.

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318 downstairs

It was either now
Or waiting for 8 hours.
I made the right choice.

Sent from my iPhone

317 downstairs

I'm not gonna fast,
But that isn't because of
Poop outlet reasons.

Sent from my iPhone

316 downstairs

Sent from my iPhone

> On Oct 4, 2022, at 9:55 PM, Peter Klein <ptklein@gmail.com> wrote:
>
> It's now Yom Kippur,
> And I already have new
> Atoning to do.
>
> Sent from my iPhone

316

It's now Yom Kippur,
And I already have new
Atoning to do.

Sent from my iPhone

315 downstairs

The farts were both loud
And plentiful. Oh, and they
Reverberated.

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314 work (4th floor)

3-14, like pi!
And just like pi, this shit had
Seemingly no end.

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313 home

This shit symphony
Had some winds, percussions, and
Multiple movements.

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312 downstairs

I think it's unfair.
I do all this work but don't
Get a "push present."

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311 downstairs

This one really stinks.
Lemon pepper chicken wings?
If so, they've changed, man.


Sent from my iPhone

310 downstairs

My poor, poor anus.
It already hurts and I
Fear there's more to dump.


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309 downstairs

I ate Cuban food
And yet my shit doesn't smell
Like a garlic clove.

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308 work

Went to the 4th floor
And my feces spewed forth like
The Fourth of July.

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307 work

Post Rosh Hashanah,
And so far shitting this year
Is just like the last.

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306 downstairs

Lots of small pieces.
They look like bacteria
Magnified. Science!

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305 work

''Twas small but potent.
Who knew something so little
Could smell so massive?

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304 home

Shot right out of me.
And shit right out of me too.
I just shat. Shut up.

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303 home

Just some liquid squirts,
But something came from my ass,
So I'm writing this.

Sent from my iPhone

302 home

Third time's the charm? No.
Third time does harm. My poor ass
Would cry if it could.

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301 downstairs

Mildly nasty,
But I've seen worse. And smelled worse.
And heard and felt worse.

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300 downstairs

I hit 300!
Now I should bare my chest and
Yell, "This is Farta!"


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299 downstairs

I'm falling asleep
But wanted to get this out
(And in the toilet).

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298 downstairs

Saw Weird Al last night,
But I don't think that explains
This weird smelling shit.


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297 work

Getting paid to shit.
I guess I am at home too,
Come to think of it.

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296 home

That was a gross one.
I was almost afraid to
Start cleaning it up.

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295 downstairs

That was a long log.
I would say "a long ass log"
But that's redundant.

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294 home

Love those liquid squirts.
(Did the sarcasm come through?
It's hard in haiku.)

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293 downstairs

That was so much shit
That I should be writing a
Renga. (Look it up.)

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292 work

This shit has to be
One of at least two today.
I know my body.

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291 downstairs

If halibut hurts,
I'm really glad I didn't
Order the swordfish.

Sent from my iPhone

290 home

My butt was sweaty.
Was it from exertion or
Anticipation?


Sent from my iPhone

289 downstairs

3 shits yesterday
And starting early today.
Could my butt be back?

Sent from my iPhone

288 home

My back's not right yet,
But at least shitting don't hurt.
Sorry, "doesn't hurt."

Sent from my iPhone

287 downstairs

This doesn't make sense:
When I dump, you dump, we dump.
But it's fun to say.

Sent from my iPhone

286 work

This reminds me of
Stop and go traffic. The pace,
The fumes, and the honks.

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285 downstairs

Open Face Chinese
While shitting means there are two
Things that are open.

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284 downstairs

It's been a long time.
Almost feel like I need to
Introduce myself.

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283 home

Rushed off a work call
Because this shit was ready.
Listen to your shit.

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282 home

Not to be gross but
Shitting out chicken shawarma -
Ya know, I'll stop there.

Sent from my iPhone

281 downstairs

Sometimes I feel like
A human lava lamp, but
With poop. And no lamp.

Sent from my iPhone

280 work

Was feeling bloated,
But after that mound of shit,
Nope - still feel bloated.

Sent from my iPhone

279 downstairs

Do shit particles
Show up on an MRI?
What if I missed some?

Sent from my iPhone

278 downstairs

I'm afraid to look.
Unpleasant on the way out
And smells like, well, shit.

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277 downstairs

Two school drop-offs and
One dog to the vet between
These dumping sessions.

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276 downstairs

Is it the steroids
That made this shit…bulkier?
My butt's curious.

Sent from my iPhone

275 home

Need an MRI,
Which I'm told does not stand for
My Rectum Itches.

Sent from my iPhone

274 home

My back is still jacked,
In the fucked up way and not
The yoked and swole way.

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273 work

Non-stop meeting day,
So it's great I got this out
While I had the chance.

Sent from my iPhone

272 downstairs

TGIF, yo!
It's Friday, but that stands for
Thank God It's Flushing.

Sent from my iPhone

271 downstairs

I know I didn't
Eat any sloppy joes but
Damn, sure seems like it.

Sent from my iPhone

270 home

Just got a massage,
And my asshole got jealous
Of my relaxed parts.

Sent from my iPhone

269 home

It's been a few days.
Normally that means I'm due
For three or four more.

Sent from my iPhone

268 home

Another Friday,
And starting off with a dump.
That's how I do, do

Sent from my iPhone

267 home

My back hurts a lot,
And it's taking all the fun
Out of messy shits.

Sent from my iPhone

266 home

David Hasselhoff
Said, "This is a mess." I call
And raise you, good sir.


Sent from my iPhone

265 downstairs

Chicken nuggets in
The toaster. Shitty nuggets
In the toilet bowl.

Sent from my iPhone

264 downstairs

Back still hurts, which is
A downside of shitting more.
That, and all the shit.

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263 home

Almost shit my pants.
Was afraid to fart in case
It came with a friend.

Sent from my iPhone

262 home

I think my stomach
Transformed overnight into
A witch's cauldron.

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261 home

My back is still out,
So shitting less often is
Appreciated.

Sent from my iPhone

260 downstairs

I threw out my back,
So this is quite challenging.
Time to try wiping!

Sent from my iPhone

259 downstairs

That one was brewing
For at least two days. Brewing
And fermenting too.

Sent from my iPhone

258 downstairs

That's 8 in three days.
A few years ago, I had
9 in a whole month.

Sent from my iPhone

257 downstairs

My girl has Covid,
Which sucks, but doesn't explain
My diarrhea.

Sent from my iPhone

256 home

Was it the sausage?
Was it the chicken salad?
Either way, this blows.

Sent from my iPhone

255 home

Three shits yesterday
And two already today.
Oh it's on, August.

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254 home

That's hilarious.
I got exercise minutes
On my watch for this.

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253 kids’ bathroom

That's shit number 3.
Number 3 of number 2
Makes me Number 1.

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252 kids’ bathroom

The poop emoji
Doesn't resemble my shit
(Except for the face).

Sent from my iPhone

251 downstairs

Today is 8-3,
As in, "I 8-3 hot dogs
And now have the shits."

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250 downstairs

Behold, this is my
Sesquicentennial shit
(Plus one hundred more).

Sent from my iPhone

249 work

New month, same old shit.
I'd say we need new shit but
I think it's en route.

Sent from my iPhone

248 home

I'm breaking new ground
And adding to the legend
With every spla-dow.

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247 home

We're still in July,
But I've surpassed last year's shits.
What the fucking fuck?

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246 downstairs

That one surprised me.
Can't figure out why it was
So dark in color.

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245 downstairs

Going into work
But not until after lunch.
And after this shit.

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244 downstairs

That sounded like an
Alka Seltzer commercial.
Minus the fizz fizz.

Sent from my iPhone

243 work

I predicted this.
Three shits so far, and still more
Dumpable time slots.

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242 work

From the feel of it,
I thought this would be messy.
But TP don't lie.

Sent from my iPhone

241 home

Nothing for 3 days?
That's bad news. My asshole is
Quivering with fear.

Sent from my iPhone

240 home

We're still in July,
And I've almost matched last year's
Total haiku count.

Sent from my iPhone

239 home

That was a lot more,
But I was mostly prepared.
Not mentally though.

Sent from my iPhone

238 downstairs

The kids have Art Camp,
But I could be a counselor
At Fart Camp right now.

Sent from my iPhone

238 downstairs

The kids have Art Camp,
But I could be a counselor
At Fart Camp right now.

Sent from my iPhone

237 work

Traffic was lighter,
Both from the kids' camp to work
And through my rectum.

Sent from my iPhone

236 downstairs

Oh great, I'm bleeding.
I guess that happens when I'm
A shitting machine.

Sent from my iPhone

235 home

I'm truly grateful
That I don't have an extra
Nose near my asshole.

Sent from my iPhone

234 downstairs

Happy Saturday!
Sorry, that was a typo.
I meant Splatterday.

Sent from my iPhone

233 home

Third time's the charm? No.
Third time's actually the harm
(To my poor rectum).

Sent from my iPhone

232 home

The sputtering farts
Smelled a lot better than their
Solid counterparts.

Sent from my iPhone

231 kids’ bathroom

Friday morning dumps
Have a way of announcing
That all journeys end.

Sent from my iPhone

230 downstairs

Number tooth-hurty,
But it's a different hole that's
Getting all cleaned out.

Sent from my iPhone

229 home

Unlike my drive home,
There was nothing "stop and go"
With this shit. Just "go."

Sent from my iPhone

228 work

The meeting ended,
And I quickly penguin-walked
To my work shit spot.

Sent from my iPhone

227 downstairs

I'm sore from workouts,
So sitting felt good until
I did some butt reps.

Sent from my iPhone

226 kids’ bathroom

Starting this week off
With a…not a bang per se.
More of a squish-pop.

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225 home

Taking our daughter
To Catalina Sea Camp.
My dump is jealous.

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224 work

Glad I could go now,
So I'm not farting during
Twenty meetings straight.

Sent from my iPhone

223 home

My rectum must be
In fantastic shape because
It works out a lot.

Sent from my iPhone

222 downstairs

For shit 2-2-2,
I thought I'd get two pieces.
Alas, there were three.

Sent from my iPhone

221 downstairs

Well, third time's the charm.
(If my goal was to have a
Furious asshole.)

Sent from my iPhone

220 home

Back again so soon?
And just after I bravely
Unclenched my butt cheeks.

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219 home

I ate too many
Burgers and dogs, or at least
It sure smells that way.

Sent from my iPhone

218 work

I have some good news,
And I have the sore, bleeding
Asshole kind of news.

Sent from my iPhone

217 work

The fifth of July,
But I've got more explosions.
Emphasis on "but."

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216 kids’ bathroom

To honor this day,
My butt made explosions that
Yielded oohs and ahhs.

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215 downstairs

The blood is red on
What was white toilet paper,
Which makes me feel blue.

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214 downstairs

Like Valentine's Day,
This is number 2-14.
Oh, and it's mushy.

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213 downstairs

Eager, ripe asses
Prepare to give their fruits to
The waters below.

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212 downstairs

Halfway through the year
And over 200 shits.
This does not compute.

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211 downstairs

Back shitting at home.
It's comforting, but it's not
Comfortable. At all.

Sent from my iPhone

210 Vegas hotel

Because of Covid,
I've waited two years to say,
"Color coming out!"

Sent from my iPhone

209 Zion hotel

I feel like this shit
Just hike the narrows of my
Lower intestines.

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208 Zion hotel

It was a long drive,
And I was clenching my ass
Almost the whole time.

Sent from my iPhone

207 downstairs

Our long road trip's soon,
So it's good I'm getting out
My pre-game shitters.

Sent from my iPhone

206 home

That's six in two days.
That's a pace that even I
(Thankfully) can't keep.

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205 downstairs

Dropped off two humans,
Now dropping off other "kids"
(And some weight to boot).

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204 downstairs

4th dump of the day!
I'm baseball terms, it's like I
Shit for the cycle.

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203 kids’ bathroom

Third dump, third bathroom.
If I have to go again,
Might choose the backyard.

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202 home

For a second shit,
There was still a good amount
Of solid output.

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201 downstairs

Working from home means
Shitting at home too. So let's
Make the most of this.

Sent from my iPhone

200 home

Number 200
On Father's Day. Almost like
Having twins again.

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199 downstairs

I just need one word
To describe this shit session:
Arduous. Thank you.

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198 kids’ bathroom

Computer shut down.
So while it reboots, why not
Plop out some shiznit?

Sent from my iPhone

197 downstairs

Middle of the week,
And the middle of my butt
Just made me feel weak.

Sent from my iPhone

196 downstairs

I went a lot but
Already feel like there's more.
Efficiency fail.

Sent from my iPhone

195 work

Back at the office,
And back to shitting here too.
Don't miss ya, Covid.

Sent from my iPhone

194 downstairs

It had been a bit,
Which explains why my asshole
Had some specks of dust.

Sent from my iPhone

193 home

Nearing 200!
It highlights how much I've grown
And the smells I've made.

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192 home

It's crazy to me
That over 400 shits
May plop out this year.

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191 home

Before meetings start,
I sit, I shit, and I fart.
Some may call it art.

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190 home

That one sounded like
Someone turned on a hose with
Some thick air pockets.

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189 home

I'm proud and impressed
That my toilet handled this
With such grace and poise.

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188 home

Three shits yesterday
And I'm feeling better. Hmmm.
Could shitting cure us?

Sent from my iPhone

187 home

That's three shits today
And a box of Kleenex down.
I'd better weigh less.

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186 home

Open the floodgates!
Maybe "open the mudgates"
Is more accurate.

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185 home

Did Covid cause this
Constipation? Either way,
I got days' worth here.

Sent from my iPhone

184 downstairs

Not feeling so great.
Gonna take a Covid test,
Though my nose still works.

Sent from my iPhone

183 downstairs

Meteor showers
Are supposed to start soon, but
I'm starting early.

Sent from my iPhone

182 home

I don't have Covid.
This is obvious because
I smell this just fine.

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181 downstairs

Yesterday's hike was
Smooth, pleasant, and beautiful.
So, uh, not like this.

Sent from my iPhone

180 downstairs

By a show of hands,
Who's taking a dump right now?
Oh, just me? Really?

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179 downstairs

Second morning dump.
Does that make today shitty
Or full of less shit?

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178 downstairs

Three shits yesterday
And starting off strong today.
Truly exciting.

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177 home

Lickety split and
Liquidy shit sound alike.
And both apply here.

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176 downstairs

That's two already.
Bold prediction: I'm smelling
A quartet today.

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175 downstairs

175
Was Elle Woods's LSAT score
For Harvard. Not Brown.

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174 downstairs

Today was leg day,
So what's the harm in doing
Just one more deep squat?

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173 downstairs

Seussical tonight,
So poop one seventy three
Goes whirly a wee!


Sent from my iPhone

172 downstairs

The toilet paper
Showed no trace of this shit, but
My nose remembers.

Sent from my iPhone

171 home

It's not sundown yet,
So it's not a Shabbat shit.
And we say, "Amen."

Sent from my iPhone

170 home

That was a fatty.
Not wide enough to get clogged,
Just to be painful.

Sent from my iPhone

169 home

I sense a pattern:
Don't shit one day, wait, and then
Shit your damn brains out.

Sent from my iPhone

168 kids’ bathroom

It's called King's Fish House,
But I got a hamburger.
Is this punishment?

Sent from my iPhone

167 downstairs

Before my haircut,
I'm performing a buttwipe.
And then a backpat.

Sent from my iPhone

166 work

The meeting ended
And our hero fled westward
To Toilet City.

Sent from my iPhone

165 work

Pizza and sushi.
Though they might seem so different,
They both make brown. Peace.

Sent from my iPhone

164 downstairs

Almost forgot this,
But I'm not sure how since it
Smelled bad. And it hurt.

Sent from my iPhone

163 home

This has to be some
Non-food-poisoning kind of
PK shit record.

Sent from my iPhone

162 home

I'm really confused.
Especially since they're all
Solid. What, too much?

Sent from my iPhone

161 kids’ bathroom

Second try today,
First success. And by "success,"
I mean "made doo doo."

Sent from my iPhone

160 home

My poor, poor anus.
It must be feeling confused.
I know it feels hurt.

Sent from my iPhone

159 downstairs

Ok, what the fuck?
And I feel like there could be
Even more! Hold please.

Sent from my iPhone

158 downstairs

Guess I wasn't done,
But Jesus, shitting this much
Is time-consuming.

Sent from my iPhone

157 downstairs

Good morning, Thursday!
I got you something. Don't peak!
Here! It's a shit log!

Sent from my iPhone

156 downstairs

A pre-bedtime shit
Greatly reduces the odds
Of a Dutch oven.

Sent from my iPhone

155 work

'Twas but a nugget,
And 'twas a butt nugget too.
Where's my Poolitzer?

Sent from my iPhone

154 work (yesterday)

Another work shit.
The bathroom's far away, so
I waddled a bit.

Sent from my iPhone

153 work

I wasn't alone,
But this shit was thankfully
Fart- and kerplop-free.

Sent from my iPhone

152 downstairs

Tiny, but it counts.
I have strict criteria:
It came out my ass.

Sent from my iPhone

151 downstairs

Greg called that dinner
"Burrito madness." It led
To butthole madness.

Sent from my iPhone

150 home

(Yesterday)
Seeing Pearl Jam,
So I'm making Peter Jam.
Makes total sense, right?

Sent from my iPhone

149 downstairs (yesterday)

Almost forgot this
And the one after this, but
Here I am. Shit time!

Sent from my iPhone

148 home

Here I go again.
Three yesterday, two today…
I'd better weigh less.

Sent from my iPhone

147 downstairs

It's Hump Day Dump Day,
My Then-I-Wipe-My-Rump Day.
Both rhyming and true!

Sent from my iPhone

146 work

Glad I was alone!
Long, motorcycle-ish farts
Are hard to live down.

Sent from my iPhone

145 work

I snuck in and out
Without being seen. I'm like
A shitting ninja.

Sent from my iPhone

144 downstairs

A quick morning shit
Before work and school days start.
Plop, wipe, flush, wash, BAM!

Sent from my iPhone

143 work

Quick and painless shits
Are much appreciated.
Word to the wise, friends.

Sent from my iPhone

142 downstairs

Cherry blossoms. There,
Now it's a traditional
Haiku. About shit.

Sent from my iPhone

141 kids’ bathroom

I think it's unfair
That ocean dumping is bad
But this is just fine.

Sent from my iPhone

140 home

Third one today and
It smells like last night's soup, so…
We've found the culprit.

Sent from my iPhone

139 home

Squeezed another out.
Well technically it was more
Pushing than squeezing.

Sent from my iPhone

138 downstairs

I'm glad I found time
Before the day gets crazy
To shit my brains out.

Sent from my iPhone

137 downstairs

Three times yesterday
And starting early today.
April showers, man.

Sent from my iPhone

136 work

Squeezed out a bit more.
I'd been farting up a storm
And one turned solid.

Sent from my iPhone

135 work

Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's
Take a foul-smelling-messy-
Dump-at-work I go.

Sent from my iPhone

134 work

Had to do this now
Before my nonstop meetings.
Even my butt's packed.

Sent from my iPhone

133 downstairs

Getting this out now
Before heading off to work.
(This should count as work.)

Sent from my iPhone

132 downstairs

I'm kinda grossed out,
And you know if I say that,
You'd be grossed out too.

Sent from my iPhone

131 downstairs

The color "brick red"
Is a brownish-red mixture.
This is relevant.

Sent from my iPhone

130 kids’ bathroom

Is my butthole sore
Or did I eat spicy food?
Either way, it hurts.

Sent from my iPhone

129 kids’ bathroom

To honor Earth Day,
I made some fertilizer.
Fresh, human-grade dung.

Sent from my iPhone

128 downstairs

I sat and said, "Ahhh."
And then I shat and said, "Ahhh."
I'm sending a theme.

Sent from my iPhone

127 work

This post Easter shit
Is neither rabbit-like nor
Raise-the-dead-able.


Sent from my iPhone

126 downstairs

Between Good Friday
And Easter has a new name:
Stinky Saturday.

Sent from my iPhone

125 home

The angel of death
Would get one whiff of this and
Passover our house.

Sent from my iPhone

124 home

Well that wasn't fun.
If buttholes can have flashbacks,
This might've caused some.

Sent from my iPhone

123 downstairs

More to come later.
Fo sho. But one thing's in doubt:
Will there be more blood?

Sent from my iPhone

122 work

I came in early
And was able to do this
Alone with my smell.

Sent from my iPhone

121 kids’ bathroom

Back home, back dumping.
It's nice to be on home turd,
I mean turf. Home turf.

Sent from my iPhone

120 big bear cabin

A mountain of shit
Before leaving the mountains.
Leave nothing but smell.

Sent from my iPhone

119 big bear cabin

Farted in my sleep
And woke myself up. This shit
Is a shit of dreams.


Sent from my iPhone

118 big bear cabin

High altitude dumps
Smell worse than at sea level*.
*based on low data

Sent from my iPhone

117 downstairs

Much like my desk drawer,
This is an absolute mess.
But without staples.

Sent from my iPhone

116 downstairs

My butt seems to be
A fan of The Flintstones, 'cuz
Bam Bam! And Pebbles.

Sent from my iPhone

115 downstairs

Open House tonight
For my son's school. To prepare,
I've opened my butt.

Sent from my iPhone

114 downstairs

2 before 7.
That's some efficient shitting,
Or "effishitcy."

Sent from my iPhone

113 downstairs

Color me impressed!
Nary a wee brown spot on
The toilet paper.

Sent from my iPhone

112 downstairs

I feel like there's more.
But I've said that before and
Then waited for days.

Sent from my iPhone

111 home

Shit before shower.
That order's preferable,
So no complaints here.

Sent from my iPhone

110 downstairs

Kids' birthdays went well,
Though maybe I ate too much.
More haiku to come?

Sent from my iPhone

109 kids’ bathroom

The last day of March,
And the shit keeps on marching
Right out my asshole.

Sent from my iPhone

108 downstairs

I ate at Tommy's
And honestly expected
This to be way worse.

Sent from my iPhone

107 kids’ bathroom

Made it home in time
To a highly-preferred place
For me to destroy.

Sent from my iPhone

106 downstairs

The Van Nuys Courthouse
Is not where I want to shit,
So I am grateful.

Sent from my iPhone

105 kids’ bathroom

A "2 for Tuesday"
Is one way to make up for
Some unshitful days.

Sent from my iPhone

104 kids’ bathroom

Only a half day
Of jury duty, but a
Full human doodie.

Sent from my iPhone

103 kids’ bathroom

Skipped a couple days.
Makes me nostalgic for my
Pre-pandemic pace.

Sent from my iPhone

102 home

Why such a hurry?
That shot right out of me and
Didn't look back. Smart.

Sent from my iPhone

101 downstairs

1-0-1, just like
The freeway, especially
When there's gross traffic.

Sent from my iPhone

100 kids’ bathroom

The century mark
And it's not even April!
Look out, Charmin stock.

Sent from my iPhone

99 downstairs

Number 99,
More like Jay Z's problems than
The Get Smart agent.

Sent from my iPhone

98 work

Tried to go at home,
But wasn't successful, so…
I get paid for this.

Sent from my iPhone

97 downstairs

Already Sunday.
Could use an extra day for
This smell to diffuse.

Sent from my iPhone

96 downstairs

That was disgusting.
I've seen a lot in my day,
And this was…special.

Sent from my iPhone

95 downstairs

Close to a hundred,
Yet I can still be surprised.
Like, "why so messy?"

Sent from my iPhone

94 downstairs

Going out tonight
For our anniversary.
Making extra room.

Sent from my iPhone

93 downstairs

Poor St. Patty's Day.
It came and went yesterday
Without a green shit.

Sent from my iPhone

92 downstairs

Thursday is named for
The Norse god of thunder, Thor.
I think he'd be proud.

Sent from my iPhone

91 downstairs

Super packed work day
Faces super packed rectum.
Let's see what happens.

Sent from my iPhone

90 kids’ bathroom

The kids are at school,
Which is great, because this is
Abusively foul.


Sent from my iPhone

89 downstairs

Hurt my back somehow,
Which makes taking a shit is
Even shittier.

Sent from my iPhone

88 home

Didn't have my phone
To log this shit in real time.
Heh heh, I said log.

Sent from my iPhone

87 downstairs

Feels like I'm shitting
At 2pm and not 3.
Thanks, daylight savings.

Sent from my iPhone

86 kids’ bathroom

Jesus Christ, again?
And like Jesus, I think it
Might come back for more.

Sent from my iPhone

85 downstairs

About to shower
When my rectum asked if we
Could make a stop first.

Sent from my iPhone

84 home

Since this one makes three,
Are Indian leftovers
Really the best choice?

Sent from my iPhone

83 kids’ bathroom

Meeting old colleagues
For lunch and some catching up.
Dropping some weight first.

Sent from my iPhone

82 kids’ bathroom

Had Indian food,
Now it's cooking in my own
Tandoori oven.

Sent from my iPhone

80 kids’ bathroom

Ahoy there, matey.
This is poop #80,
And it's quite weighty.

Sent from my iPhone

79 kids’ bathroom

My biceps are sore,
So I'm glad I don't use them
To take a shit. Much.

Sent from my iPhone

78 kids’ bathroom

Just spent a shitload
On gas. Then had a gasload
While taking a shit.

Sent from my iPhone

77 downstairs

My ass volcano
Doesn't stay dormant for long.
I've learned the hard way.

Sent from my iPhone

76 downstairs

To honor my son's
Final football game today,
My butt just fumbled.

Sent from my iPhone

75 home

Just a wee nugget,
But if it came from my butt,
It gets a haiku.

Sent from my iPhone

74 downstairs

I thought I was done,
Then a little more came out,
So I'd wiped in vain.

Sent from my iPhone

73 downstairs

Lemon pepper wings
Yielded a non-lemony,
Non-peppery shit.

Sent from my iPhone

72 kids’ bathroom

I managed to wait
Until I got home from work.
That's a victory.

Sent from my iPhone

71 downstairs

Good to do this now
Instead of between meetings
And near coworkers.

Sent from my iPhone

70 home

The third time's the charm!
Well, only if your goal is
To wipe and see blood.

Sent from my iPhone

69 kids’ bathroom

Trying to catch up
By adding some two-a-days.
This butt's down for that.

Sent from my iPhone

68 kids’ bathroom

First in many days,
And my butt was sweating with
Anticipation.

Sent from my iPhone

67 kids’ bathroom

Finished my work call
And ran to the toilet. Well,
More of a waddle.

Sent from my iPhone

66 kids’ bathroom

With this shit,
I'm at 1.2 per day.
That's fucking crazy.

Sent from my iPhone

65 downstairs

It glided out, like
A snake charmer's tune coaxed this
Long, brown, shit from me.

Sent from my iPhone

64 kids’ bathroom

Glad the kids aren't here,
So their bathroom has time to
Get unfunkified.

Sent from my iPhone

63 downstairs

Maybe I should start
Recording mid-shit podcasts.
Poopcasts, if you will.

Sent from my iPhone

62 downstairs

Yesterday

A shit before bed.
Could this possibly make me
A lighter sleeper?

Sent from my iPhone

61 home

For Presidents' Day,
I made such a fat log that
It resembles Taft.

Sent from my iPhone

60 downstairs

Stomach was rumbling,
But releasing one long shit
Calmed it down a lot.

Sent from my iPhone

59 kids’ bathroom

Two shits before 10.
If my math works, I'm on pace
For 90 today.

Sent from my iPhone

58 downstairs

Tis better to have
Dumped and then showered than to
Dump after cleaning.

Sent from my iPhone

57 home

I'm leaving soon for
Mason's soccer practice, so
I'm gonna dribble.

Sent from my iPhone

56 kids’ bathroom

Valentine's Day food
Loses some of its luster
When it turns to shit.

Sent from my iPhone

55 kids’ bathroom

That was a doozy,
And probably part 2 of
A shitrilogy.

Sent from my iPhone

54 kids’ bathroom

Starting the day off
With a little dumpy dump.
It's so romantic.

Sent from my iPhone

53 downstairs

I really want to
Make a Super Bowel joke,
But this was just…eh.

Sent from my iPhone

52 downstairs

Lisa and I are
Seeing Conan O'Brien…
For me to poop on?

Sent from my iPhone

51 downstairs

It's almost bedtime,
But my butthole's wide awake.
And I do mean "wide."

Sent from my iPhone

51 kids’ bathroom

The smell is putrid,
But at least it looks pretty.
Just kidding; it's gross.

Sent from my iPhone

50 downstairs

50, like the states!
Should I call this Nebada
Or Massivepooshits?

Sent from my iPhone

49 kids’ bathroom

This nasty dump was
Brought to you by the letter
Y, as in Y God?

Sent from my iPhone

48 kids’ bathroom

Three shits in a day!
In bathroom hockey, I think
That's called a buttrick.

Sent from my iPhone

47 kids’ bathroom

That's two already.
This week's gonna be big, like
A Super Bowel.

Sent from my iPhone

46 downstairs

I'm not positive,
But I think this resembles
Coyote droppings.

Sent from my iPhone

45 downstairs

(Yesterday)

The weekend's too short,
Especially when I spend
All this time shitting.

Sent from my iPhone

44 downstairs

Glad it's the weekend,
So I don't have to fit this
In between meetings.

Sent from my iPhone

43 work

(Yesterday)

When one takes a shit
Just to pass the time, could we
Call that move "stalling?"

Sent from my iPhone

42 downstairs

Two-Two-Twenty-Two,
And dropping deuce number two.
It's almost 2 much.

Sent from my iPhone

41 downstairs

The DMB song
Called #41 is…
Not at all like this.

Sent from my iPhone

40 home

Shit #40.
My butt's now over the hill.
Don't know what that means.

Sent from my iPhone

39 downstairs

My dearest reader,
You should be grateful that I'm
Not describing this.

Sent from my iPhone

38 downstairs

Had a two-day drought,
Though "drought" implies some dryness,
Which doesn't apply.

Sent from my iPhone

37 downstairs

Messy, foul-smelling,
Time-consuming, and painful.
TGIF, eh?

Sent from my iPhone

36 kids’ bathroom

Had to rock a bit,
But then it just slid right out,
Like I'd greased my chute.

Sent from my iPhone

35 kids’ bathroom

I already feel
Another dump coming soon.
It's on the poop deck.

Sent from my iPhone

34 downstairs

Two shits already,
And there still could be some more.
Sorry, water bill.

Sent from my iPhone

33 downstairs

You call it Hump Day,
And I call it Dump Day. Let's
Call the whole thing gross.

Sent from my iPhone

32 kids’ bathroom

First I ate some lunch,
Then I made some poop. Yay for
Homeostasis!

Sent from my iPhone

31 kids’ bathroom

My early meeting
Was cancelled, leaving time for
This leisurely poop.

Sent from my iPhone

30 downstairs

Dump number 30
On day number 24.
I can't. I just can't.

Sent from my iPhone

29 downstairs

My butthole just squeaked.
And though I know what to do,
I'm not oiling it.

Sent from my iPhone

28 kids’ bathroom

Food from CCC
Made my butt say, "No no no."
Oh sweet irony!

Sent from my iPhone

27 downstairs

Oh hello, Friday.
People say, "Thank God for" you.
My butt disagrees.

Sent from my iPhone

26 kids’ bathroom

I took a day off,
And may bang out a twofer
To make up for it.

Sent from my iPhone

25 downstairs

I ate something bland
To see if that would help me,
Ya know, STOP SHITTING.

Sent from my iPhone

24 home

Tried and failed before,
But this time I stuck to it.
And it stuck to me.

Sent from my iPhone

23 kids’ bathroom

Back on the wagon.
Ok, fine, the toilet seat.
You knew what I meant.

Sent from my iPhone

22 downstairs

This post-workout shit
Was tough on my abs. Oh yeah,
And for my butthole.

Sent from my iPhone

21 home

At this point, it's like
The '71 Lakers.
When will the streak end?

Sent from my iPhone

20 kids’ bathroom

Maybe I have some
Low grade stomach virus thing.
Otherwise…the fuck?

Sent from my iPhone

19 downstairs

Happy Friday, folks!
I made something for you, but
It's kinda shitty.

Sent from my iPhone

18 kids’ bathroom

The Indian food
Was cooked in the tandoori,
Then again in me.

Sent from my iPhone

17 downstairs

With all this shitting,
I haven't lost any weight.
Seems impossible.

Sent from my iPhone

16 downstairs

The Shitting Machine
Isn't the greatest nickname,
But if the poop fits…

Sent from my iPhone

15 kids’ bathroom

I'm no longer shocked
By my shit production, or…
Pooductivity.

Sent from my iPhone

14 downstairs

Look! He shits again!
We're all witness to this feat.
Please, no sudden moves.

Sent from my iPhone

13 kids’ bathroom

This smells horrible.
Opening a window is
The least I can do.

Sent from my iPhone

12 downstairs

I rocked back and forth,
And finally it came out.
Where is my medal?

Sent from my iPhone

11 downstairs

I took a day off,
Which used to be quite normal.
Such a strange year, man.

Sent from my iPhone

10 downstairs

Hit double digits
Just a week into the year.
Shit is getting weird.

Sent from my iPhone

9 downstairs

This is getting weird.
Mercury in retrograde?
My butt sure isn't.

Sent from my iPhone

8 downstairs

Last year, rioters
Stormed the Capitol. This year,
I made a shitstorm.

Sent from my iPhone

7 kids’ bathroom

Keep the streak alive!
But I'm not talking about
A literal streak.

Sent from my iPhone

6 kids’ bathroom

Thanks, Jack in the Box. 

I knew this would happen, but

This nasty? Really?

Sent from my iPhone

5 downstairs

Ok, what the fuck?
Above the "shit each day" pace?
I. Don't. Even. Know.

Sent from my iPhone

4 downstairs

Dude, I'm a machine.
Eat food each day, poop each day.
Like clockwork. With shit.

Sent from my iPhone

3 downstairs

Still a perfect game,
Which is the opposite of
A no-shitter, right?

Sent from my iPhone

2 home

Yesterday

Two days in, two shits.
If I keep this up, I think
I'll get a thousand.

Sent from my iPhone

1 downstairs

On 1-1-2-2,
Here's #1 #2.
It's so poetic.

Sent from my iPhone