283 downstairs

My wife has a cold,
But my farts weren't unnoticed
Because sound exists.

Sent from my iPhone

282 home

Wow wow wow wow wow.
That was a shitload of shit.
I guess all dumps are?

Sent from my iPhone

281 downstairs

My brother's birthday
Has nothing to do with this.
And yet, here we are.

Sent from my iPhone

280 downstairs

This wasn't my best
Shit of all time, but still a
Solid number two.

Sent from my iPhone

279 home

Yesterday

Knew I wasn't done,
But I wasn't prepared to
Sit and wait all day.


Sent from my iPhone

278 downstairs

I tried this last night,
But all the sound and fury
Signified nothing.

Sent from my iPhone

277 downstairs

I'm getting this out
To preserve my new car's smell
A little longer.

Sent from my iPhone

276 home

Friday the 13th!
Nothing today will scare me
More than this odor.

Sent from my iPhone

275 home

(Yesterday)

Third time in a day!
I hope no one wasted their
3 wishes on…these.

Sent from my iPhone

274 home

I had to run here.
Well, I technically waddled
But I think that counts.

Sent from my iPhone

273 home

Working from home means
Pushing, shitting, and wiping
From home. And crying.

Sent from my iPhone

272 work

I had a quick break
And made the most of it. Well,
I sure made something.

Sent from my iPhone

271 downstairs

I've been here a while,
But somehow the bathroom still
Has that new fart smell.

Sent from my iPhone

270 downstairs

Sunday night football
Has nothing to do with this,
And yet I wrote it.

Sent from my iPhone

269 downstairs

Football's coming on,
Let's hope there's no second down
From this tight end. Punt.

Sent from my iPhone

268 home

If at first you don't
Push feces through your rectum,
Try to push again.

Sent from my iPhone

267 home

Before my next call,
I thought it wise to, ya know,
Destroy the bathroom.

Sent from my iPhone

266 home

"Do I have to shit?"
I wondered for one second.
Then my answer plopped.

Sent from my iPhone

265 downstairs

Cut my workout short
When I felt this one brewing.
Guess it's butthole day.

Sent from my iPhone

264 downstairs

It's Cyber Monday,
But this shit is analog.
I don't know either.

Sent from my iPhone

263 home

I just keep farting!
Occasionally, like now,
The farts are solid.

Sent from my iPhone

262 home

Here I am again,
And I think there will be more.
Thank you, Thanksgiving.

Sent from my iPhone

261 home

I'm glad I'm shitting.
The last two days of gas were
Disturbing at best.

Sent from my iPhone

260 downstairs

This one was…a lot.
In volume, effort, pain, and
Emotional toll.

Sent from my iPhone

259 downstairs

In the spirit of
Some upcoming holidays:
Happy Brown Wednesday!

Sent from my iPhone

258 downstairs

Thanksgiving is soon,
So I'd better make room for
Stuffing with stuffing.

Sent from my iPhone

257 home

Just test-drove a car,
And I didn't fart in it.
…holding for applause…

Sent from my iPhone

256 home

Yesterday

Lazy Saturday.
Well, except for my rectum.
That thing is workin'!

Sent from my iPhone

255 home

My stomach made sounds
That could only mean one thing:
Big shits a-comin'!

Sent from my iPhone

254 kids’ bathroom

Only have a sec,
But I had to get this out
…of my butt, of course.

Sent from my iPhone

253 home

Just got home from work,
But I clearly still had some
Business to conduct.

Sent from my iPhone

252 downstairs

If this pace holds up,
"November to remember"
Will be accurate.

Sent from my iPhone

251 downstairs

That wasn't pretty.
And I say that while fully
Grading on a curve.

Sent from my iPhone

250 phoenix hotel

About to check out
But had to squeeze this in first.
I mean "squeeze this out."

Sent from my iPhone

249 phoenix hoel

Heading home today,
But I've made my mark here. Well,
I've made my skid mark.

Sent from my iPhone

248 phoenix hotel

I'm more regular
In Arizona I guess.
You're right; that's nonsense.

Sent from my iPhone

247 phoenix hotel

You ever feel like
You could wipe forever and
It won't end? Samesies.

Sent from my iPhone

246 phoenix hotel

The boring workshop
Was less boring since I was
Holding in them farts.

Sent from my iPhone

245 downstairs

It's so early that
I was concerned my farts would
Wake up the neighbors.

Sent from my iPhone

244 downstairs

I'm going to work,
But my wife and kids are off.
I'll leave them this smell.

Sent from my iPhone

243 downstairs

What's the shit version
Of a nightcap? Wait, I'm dumb.
It's a nightcrap. Duh.

Sent from my iPhone

242 downstairs

Yesterday

How bad does this smell?
In a drawing, it would have
Wiggly odor lines.

Sent from my iPhone

241 downstairs

Really smelly farts
For two days straight. Will this help?
Only my nose knows.

Sent from my iPhone

240 downstairs

It's Election Day,
And though we're in a blue state,
My ass voted brown.


Sent from my iPhone

239 work

Glad I'm here early,
So no one can track how long
I'm wrecking this room.

Sent from my iPhone

238 downstairs

Ninja Turtles 2
Was called "Secret of the Ooze."
I understand now.

Sent from my iPhone

237 downstairs

I've said it before,
But you can't call them sliders
If they don't slide out.

Sent from my iPhone

236 downstairs

Felt like a little,
But looked like a lot. Well played,
You trickster butthole!

Sent from my iPhone

235 downstairs

Halloween is done,
But this bathroom's still spooky.
Emphasis on poo.


Sent from my iPhone

234 home

Tried some new hot sauce,
And I'm guessing this grossness
Points right back to that.

Sent from my iPhone

233 downstairs

I slept horribly,
So my eyes were closing while
My asshole opened.

Sent from my iPhone

232 home

Ugh. Another one
And I don't think I'm done yet.
Gird your nose holes, folks.

Sent from my iPhone

231 downstairs

Should be a chill day.
From now on at least. This is
A minor struggle.

Sent from my iPhone

230 downstairs

Yesterday

Number 230!
More like number Butt Hurty.
Just pretend that works.

Sent from my iPhone

229 downstairs

Another gross one.
The upcoming election
Isn't helping things.

Sent from my iPhone

228 home

Fun fact: since I've aged,
My stomach started hating
Greasy cheese pizza.

Sent from my iPhone

227 downstairs

Even though I stopped,
Don't fret; I'll be back. I have
So much more to give.

Sent from my iPhone

226 downstairs

Glad I'm doing this
Before my massage later.
Better than during.


Sent from my iPhone

225 home

Happy Thursday, folks!
I have a peace offering:
It's a piece of shit.

Sent from my iPhone

224 home

I tried twice before
But had no luck. Or maybe
I had all the luck.

Sent from my iPhone

223 home

Another shit show.
Well, not an actual show.
Just a mono-log.

Sent from my iPhone

222 downstairs

Number 2-2-2
Was too much, too loosely-formed,
And too disgusting.

Sent from my iPhone

221 home

Broke the fast last night.
Broke my anus this morning.
(The toilet still works.)

Sent from my iPhone

220 home

Advil is working,
And I think it somehow made
My butt relaxed too.

Sent from my iPhone

219 downstairs

Ya know what's not fun?
Shitting when your back is out.
Wiping's even worse.

Sent from my iPhone

218 home

If liquid shit was
Was spelled "likwyd shyt" instead,
Would it be as gross?

Sent from my iPhone

217 downstairs

That greasy pizza
Did a number on my ass.
I'll remember that.

Sent from my iPhone

216 downstairs

Meetings all day long.
So if I didn't go now,
I'd be full of shit.

Sent from my iPhone

215 downstairs

I leaned forward and -
Poof! - I magically made the
Clean air disappear.

Sent from my iPhone

214 downstairs

Yesterday

A post swimming shit.
First I'm in the pool, and then
The kids take a dip.

Sent from my iPhone

213 home

I haven't looked yet,
But if my mind's butt is right,
That was two feet long.

Sent from my iPhone

212 downstairs

This is a bad sign.
I just finished Taco Bell
And already here.

Sent from my iPhone

211 work

First one here. Thank god.
That allows me to deny
That this stink was mine.

Sent from my iPhone

210 downstairs

Yesterday

Wrong holiday, but
If I only had one shit
Today, dayeinu.

Sent from my iPhone

209 downstairs

Yesterday
It's Rosh Hashanah!
Fifty-seven eighty-five!
First New Jew Year Poo.

Sent from my iPhone

208 downstairs

When I eat red meat,
My shits are both smellier
And more depressing.

Sent from my iPhone

207 kids’ bathroom

Deuce numero dos.
Maybe I can do 3 in
3 different bathrooms.

Sent from my iPhone

206 downstairs

I'd say that dump was
Unremarkable, but my
Toilet bowl was marked.

Sent from my iPhone

205 downstairs

Chicken parm dinner
Just chicken harmed my asshole.
(I know that's not good.)

Sent from my iPhone

204 downstairs

Came home and quickdumped.
Yesterday's was a longdump.
Well, midtolongdump.

Sent from my iPhone

203 home

When I say "yucky,"
I hope that you'll believe me
Without more detail.


Sent from my iPhone

202 downstairs

Big double flusher.
I almost feel like I should
Lay out caution tape.


Sent from my iPhone

201 downstairs

Farted all day long,
And then, right before bedtime,
Things solidified.

Sent from my iPhone

200 kids’ bathroom

(Friday)

I somehow forgot
To write this haiku. Maybe
It's the nose trauma.

Sent from my iPhone

199 kids’ bathroom

Red pepper hummus.
Not sure I need to say more.
Red. Pepper. Hummus.

Sent from my iPhone

198 kids’ bathroom

Saw Green Day last night.
Now I'm having a Brown Day.
With a touch of red.

Sent from my iPhone

197 kids’ bathroom

Just had an earthquake.
I think I was going to shit
Regardlessly though.

Sent from my iPhone

196 San Diego hotel

This one's pretty dark,
Which makes sense, since last night I
Had blackened swordfish.

Sent from my iPhone

195 San Diego hotel

Life's great mystery:
How does a short rib dinner
Become a long shit?

Sent from my iPhone

194 downstairs

I made a mistake
And had fast food yesterday.
I'm being punished.

Sent from my iPhone

193 downstairs

My wife has a cold.
Could that be the reason why
My butt is sneezing?

Sent from my iPhone

192 kids’ bathroom

They call me "Mister
Shits so much that he's concerned
Something might be wrong."

Sent from my iPhone

191 kids’ bathroom

Pretty standard shit.
Nothing to write home about.
But a haiku? Sure.

Sent from my iPhone

190 home

I almost stood up,
But something told me to stay.
Hint: it was more shit.


Sent from my iPhone

189 downstairs

The three day weekend
Didn't produce any shits.
Unless you count this.

Sent from my iPhone

188 home

By a show of hands,
Who likes awful smells? No one?
Well this is awkward…

Sent from my iPhone

187 kids’ bathroom

Boom. Here comes the boom.
And there went the boom. Oh wait.
Here comes some more boom.

Sent from my iPhone

186 kids’ bathroom

The kids are at school,
So I feel ok about
Destroying this room.

Sent from my iPhone

185 downstairs

I felt this coming
Twelve hours ago. Stupid
Meeting schedule.

Sent from my iPhone

184 kids’ bathroom

When I turned around,
I was surprised by the length.
Felt like a mid-size.

Sent from my iPhone

183 kids’ bathroom

When this is over,
If I don't feel less bloated,
I'm gonna be pissed.

Sent from my iPhone

182 work

Yesterday

This makes me think of
Both Lionel Messi and
Mark Messier too.


Sent from my iPhone

181 downstairs

Oof. What a doozy.
Think there's more, but there's no time.
Sorry, work bathroom.

Sent from my iPhone

180 downstairs

There's a musical
Called "Tick Tick Boom," and this shit
Could've been in it.


Sent from my iPhone

179 kids’ bathroom

Half-clogged the toilet.
It needed a second flush
To get that shit down.

Sent from my iPhone

178 downstairs

Was out on a boat,
And all the bouncing may have
Jostled this shit free.


Sent from my iPhone

177 downstairs

(Yesterday)

There be foul squirtings
And wretched fecal beasties
In the sea below.

Sent from my iPhone

176 downstairs

It's been a few days,
Which explains why this was so…
I'll say "noteworthy."

Sent from my iPhone

175 downstairs

Cleaning crew's still here
But I couldn't wait. Sorry,
Briefly-clean toilet.

Sent from my iPhone

174 kids’ bathroom

Almost forgot this,
But then I farted and it
All came rushing back.

Sent from my iPhone

173 home

Another doozy.
Thought it might not flush. I guess
The dump gods blessed me.

Sent from my iPhone

172 downstairs

Saturday mornings
Are great for shedding the shit
Caused by the weekdays.

Sent from my iPhone

171 work

A quadruple flush?
Sometimes that's what's needed to
Mask the evidence.

Sent from my iPhone

170 downstairs

The number of wipes
Tells me I may not be done.
Alas, I must leave.

Sent from my iPhone

169 kids’ bathroom

A lot of matter,
But out with relative ease.
We'll call it a draw.

Sent from my iPhone

168 downstairs

I'm trying a new
Meal kit thing and I hope that
It didn't cause this.

Sent from my iPhone

167 work

I thought I could wait,
But then it came. And oh boy,
That bathroom is toast.

Sent from my iPhone

166 downstairs

He's back, folks! (Applause)
Gracing us once again as
Shitter #2.

Sent from my iPhone

165 downstairs

Cut my workout short
Because my stomach said so.
I guess it's butt day.

Sent from my iPhone

164 downstairs

Yesterday
Thought I was done, but
Then I leaned forward and BOOM!
Well, BOOM PFFT PLOP AHHHH.

Sent from my iPhone

163 downstairs

A big messy one.
A bad way to start the day,
But no one asked me.

Sent from my iPhone

162 home

Cleaning crew was here,
And I'm destroying their work.
I feel kinda bad.

Sent from my iPhone

161 downstairs

It started off fine,
But then it all went to shit.
Quite literally.

Sent from my iPhone

160 downstairs

Dinner date later,
So making extra room now.
Ha, I said "making."

Sent from my iPhone

159 downstairs

Yesterday

Such a wee poo poo
That I almost forgot you.
But now all is right.

Sent from my iPhone

158 downstairs

Oy vey. Another?
My asshole's gonna request
Some overtime pay.


Sent from my iPhone

157 downstairs

There's the four-banger!
Feel like there's more still. Let's hope
My butt can rest first.


Sent from my iPhone

156 work

Another work dump,
And I left with more on deck.
#4 coming?

Sent from my iPhone

155 work

Knew I wasn't done,
But still feel that way. Oh well.
We'll smell how it goes!

Sent from my iPhone

154 downstairs

Pre-shower dumpage.
May the water wash away
Lingering shit dust.

Sent from my iPhone

153 downstairs

Feel like there's more but
It's time for camp and then work.
See ya 'round, butthole.

Sent from my iPhone

152 downstairs

Pool party later.
I guess my shit felt left out
And had a swim too.


Sent from my iPhone

151 downstairs

I felt this coming
Before bed last night. Since then,
It grew angrier.

Sent from my iPhone

150 downstairs

I almost needed
A new dump location name:
Inside Peter's pants.

Sent from my iPhone

149 downstairs

Not satisfying.
There's so much more to come, but
I guess I'll just wait.

Sent from my iPhone

148 home

Did someone order
Loud, vibrating farts with a
Side of liquid squirts?

Sent from my iPhone

147 home

I don't track volume,
But this one's in the top ten.
Top or bottom ten?

Sent from my iPhone

146 downstairs

This is…less than fun.
Gas pains, and a feeling of
Vague incompleteness.

Sent from my iPhone

145 downstairs

(Yesterday)
This isn't the one.
There's a better offering
Waiting for its turn.

Sent from my iPhone

144 kids’ bathroom

One forty-four is
Also knows as a gross. Hmmm.
How very fitting.

Sent from my iPhone

143 downstairs

Big meeting later,
So hopefully this makes me
Lighter on my feet.

Sent from my iPhone

142 home

Hey breakfast tacos,
Remember when I ate you?
It's nice catching up.

Sent from my iPhone

141 downstairs

The hits keep coming!
Oops, missed a letter. I meant
The shits keep coming!

Sent from my iPhone

140 downstairs

No burgers or dogs,
Which is rare for the 4th but
Makes my butt grateful.

Sent from my iPhone

139 home

(Yesterday)
This reminds me of
Grey's Anatomy, because
It won't fucking end.

Sent from my iPhone

138 downstairs

1 salad for lunch
Plus 1 salad for dinner
Equaled morning mush.


Sent from my iPhone

137 downstairs

It's July 2nd
And therefore too early for
These butt fireworks.

Sent from my iPhone

136 work

I sat down to try,
And quickly found great success.
And not great success.

Sent from my iPhone

135 downstairs

I ate too much cake,
And overnight it has changed
Into pure frosting.

Sent from my iPhone

134 kids’ bathroom

A post-birthday shit
Is the type of present that's
Not worth receiving.

Sent from my iPhone

133 downstairs (yesterday)

A tiny nugget
That I almost forgot, but
Shitten gets written.

Sent from my iPhone

132 home

Chipotle's red sauce
Ran through me like Usain Bolt.
But red. And faster.

Sent from my iPhone

131 downstairs

Hey kids! Cows say moo,
Chickens cluck, horses neigh, and
My ass goes Splat Splat!

Sent from my iPhone

130 home

I'm working from home,
Which means I'm shitting from home.
How scientific.

Sent from my iPhone

129 home

The courtesy flush
Didn't do nearly enough.
Learn your manners, butt.

Sent from my iPhone

128 home

Meetings are starting,
Meanwhile this guy's a-farting.
How brokenhearting.

Sent from my iPhone

127 home

Well that shit needed
No coaxing, cajoling, or
Encouraging words.

Sent from my iPhone

126 downstairs

I shimmied. It worked.
The shit went from not moving
To dancing on out.

Sent from my iPhone

125 home

Happy Farter's Day!
I mean Happy Father's Day,
Though both apply here.

Sent from my iPhone

124 home

Damn, my second shit
And I think there's more to come.
What a fun Friday.

Sent from my iPhone

123 downstairs

I thought I was done,
But to my surprise, out came
One final pellet.

Sent from my iPhone

122 work

I expected more,
And still expect more. I know,
I'm so demanding.

Sent from my iPhone

121 downstairs

Going back to work,
And better I do this here
Than make enemies.

Sent from my iPhone

120 home

Unloaded the car
Then unloaded my rectum.
Smelled bad and felt worse.

Sent from my iPhone

119 Los Olivos house

Not eating so well,
So, well, this isn't going
So well for my butt.

Sent from my iPhone

118 downstairs

Going on a trip,
And it feels like I'll have some
"Away shits." Stay tuned.

Sent from my iPhone

117 downstairs

Had some shitless days,
But making up for it with
This gem of a turd.

Sent from my iPhone

116 kids’ bathroom

Should've weighed myself.
Between this one and the last,
That's 5 pounds easy.

Sent from my iPhone

115 kids’ bathroom

Graduation week,
And my gpa is high.
Gross Poo Assortment.

Sent from my iPhone

114 home

This doesn't smell like
Yogurt, oatmeal, or salad.
So…what the fuck, butt?

Sent from my iPhone

113 kids’ bathroom

That came out quickly,
Almost like the toilet had
Extra gravity.

Sent from my iPhone

112 home

🎶You had to be a
Big shit, didn't ya, had to
Work your own way out 🎶

Sent from my iPhone

111 downstairs

Just before bedtime,
I sat on the pot so long
My butt fell asleep.

Sent from my iPhone

110 downstairs

That one was draining.
Both of my energy and
Of my rectum too.

Sent from my iPhone

109 home

A big burrito
Made for a big shit. I guess
Some things just make sense.

Sent from my iPhone

108 downstairs

Rock concert tonight,
But dropping boulders right now.
(Typed "dripping" first. Gross.)

Sent from my iPhone

107 home

I'd prefer to shit
Just the hole of the bagel
Instead of the bread.

Sent from my iPhone

106 home

God damn, fajitas.
Feels like you're still sizzling
Through the final step.

Sent from my iPhone

105 home

You know how rabbits
Shit out those tiny pellets?
This was not like that.


Sent from my iPhone

104 kids’ bathroom

I came up empty,
Took a break, then came up full.
So did the toilet.

Sent from my iPhone

103 kids’ bathroom

A quick squeeze-out sesh
And then off to the office.
Gas before gas, yo.


Sent from my iPhone

102 kids’ bathroom

Was it the brunch or
The previous day's Wing Stop?
Either way…gross, dude.

Sent from my iPhone

101 kids’ bathroom

Mother's Day was nice,
But today I feel like I'm
Having contractions.

Sent from my iPhone

100 kids’ bathroom

Certain aromas
Are unworthy of wafting.
And yet I'm mid-waft.

Sent from my iPhone

99 home

This is a doozy!
Feel like it might never stop,
Which would be…not cool.

Sent from my iPhone

98 downstairs

Yesterday

It's been a few days,
But this is acting like a
"Third one today" shit.

Sent from my iPhone

97 downstairs

Chatting with my friend,
And said, "Oh, I gotta shit.
Like now. Right now." Click.

Sent from my iPhone

96 home

Went out for brunch and
Having dinner out later.
Pricey shits coming.

Sent from my iPhone

95 home

Ok, there we go.
Feel like I got all of it…
Well, until next time.

Sent from my iPhone

94 downstairs

Have to get my kids,
But first, I made a new one
And abandoned it.

Sent from my iPhone

93 home

Well, a lot came out.
But I can't help but feel like
That was a preview.

Sent from my iPhone

92 downstairs

Small shit before bed.
Maybe tomorrow morning
I'll get a full one.

Sent from my iPhone

91 downstairs

So glad this came now.
Meetings nonstop today, so
No other options.

Sent from my iPhone

90 home

And there it is folks,
The fabled third dump, also
Known as a shat-trick.

Sent from my iPhone

89 home

I just stopped going,
But think another's coming.
I'm a poo machine!

Sent from my iPhone

88 kids’ bathroom

Tried before. No luck.
Tried again. Plenty of luck.
Well, "luck" isn't right.

Sent from my iPhone

87 home

Torpedos away!
I should've yelled that out loud
But I chickened out.

Sent from my iPhone

86 downstairs

Load in the washer
And a load in the toilet.
Get a load of me.

Sent from my iPhone

85 downstairs

TGIF, yo.
"This grumbling is furious"
And the Friday thing.

Sent from my iPhone

84 downstairs

Gotta move quickly.
Unbudgeted shitting time
Throws my mornings off.

Sent from my iPhone

83 home

Today is Earth Day,
And it smells like manure here.
Doing my part, yo.

Sent from my iPhone

82 home

One more Sunday shit.
We're ending this weekend with
A really weak end.
Sent from my iPhone

81 downstairs

That wasn't a dump.
If anything, I'd call it
More of a slither.


Sent from my iPhone

80 downstairs

What came out today?
Taylor Swift's new album and
My poorly-formed shit.

Sent from my iPhone

79 downstairs

(Yesterday)
Dear gods of the farts,
I give you this offering
And ask for relief.

Sent from my iPhone

78 downstairs

I'm leaving for work,
But first, I thought I should give
The toilet this gift.

Sent from my iPhone

77 home

(Yesterday)
This was one of those
"I might need to—There it is!"
Types of shit sessions.

Sent from my iPhone

76 downstairs

It pulsed out of me.
Know what I mean? If you do,
I'm really sorry.

Sent from my iPhone

75 downstairs

The pasta's boiling
But so were my intestines,
So the food can wait.

Sent from my iPhone

74 kids’ bathroom

This smells bad. I know.
But I'm grading on a curve
And this one smells bad.

Sent from my iPhone

73 work

There was no traffic
On Ventura boulevard
Or in my rectum.

Sent from my iPhone

72 downstairs

Ate too much last night,
But didn't think it would move
Through me this quickly.


Sent from my iPhone

71 downstairs

(Yesterday)

Busy day ahead.
Maybe dropping this weight will
Make my load lighter?

Sent from my iPhone

70 home

That one stormed the gates!
Had to end a call early
Then waddle quickly.

Sent from my iPhone

69 downstairs

Spring break is over,
But butt break is in session.
Full, nasty session.

Sent from my iPhone

68 home

You know when a shit
Comes out quick and pleasingly?
I don't. It's a myth.

Sent from my iPhone

67 home

That wasn't the sound
Of a sad, dying ballon.
Alas, 'twas my butt.

Sent from my iPhone

66 work

Getting paid to shit
Is like a dream - but not - since
I don't shit and sleep.

Sent from my iPhone

65 downstairs

My twins are 14!
My real kids. Not those I just
Dropped off at the pool.

Sent from my iPhone

64 home

It's a 4-banger
To kick off the year's 4th month.
It smells 4ible.
Sent from my iPhone

63 kids’ bathroom

Third shit, third bathroom.
Can we call it a day now?
I have ass fatigue.

Sent from my iPhone

62 home

More shit already?
April's coming out swinging!
(Not literally)

Sent from my iPhone

61 downstairs

It's April Fools, but
This is no laughing matter.
It's real. Real stinky.

Sent from my iPhone

60 home

Is it ironic
To come back from Hawaii
And then spew lava?

Sent from my iPhone

59 downstairs

Back home and shitting.
Honestly, I'm not happy
About either part.

Sent from my iPhone

58 Kauai hotel lobby

Heading home today,
But first, I must leave a gift:
Gross shit. Mahalo.

Sent from my iPhone

59 Kauai hotel room

Last Hawaii shit?
Sure hope so, because my butt
Made many islands.

Sent from my iPhone

57 Kauai hotel room

This fancy toilet
Has a built in bidet but
It's no match for…this.

Sent from my iPhone

56 Kauai hotel

About to kayak.
That's a palindrome. Just like
Poop and poopwowpoop.

Sent from my iPhone

55 Kauai hotel

It took a long time,
And all those meals created
This poo-poo platter.

Sent from my iPhone

54 kids’ bathroom

Time to get to work.
I mean actual work, not
The butt-wiping kind.

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53 downstairs

Goodbye, TP roll.
You did your job well, and it
Was a shitty job.


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52 downstairs

This windowless room
Has to sit with my odor
For far, far too long.

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51 home

The sound my butt made
Is hard to describe. I guess
"Blurgle plop" is close.

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50 downstairs

A week from today,
I may shit in Hawaii.
Poi jokes are coming.

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49 home

This is number 4.
Same number as the horsemen.
Oh you know which ones.

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48 kids’ bathroom

Third shit, third bathroom.
If I have to go again,
Should I go outside?

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47 home

The long, snaky shit
Slithered out of my asshole.
How appropriate.

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46 downstairs

Early morning shit!
I feel like I've already
Accomplished something.


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45 kids’ bathroom

Those chicken tenders
Weren't tender on their way out.
Or chicken, frankly.


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44 downstairs

Those weren't sound effects,
That was real-life noise, my friends.
Including the "Bam!"

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43 downstairs

I'm done with the cleanse,
But my ass needs its own now.
Yeah, it wasn't good.

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42 home

The chiropractor
Produced a lot of cracks but
Left this crack alone.

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41 downstairs

Quick one before work.
I mean, this is also work,
But the unpaid kind.

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40 home

My old magic trick!
I made the TP look like
The Japanese flag.

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39 downstairs

Paused my morning walk
To lighten my load a bit.
'Twas more than a bit.

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38 downstairs

Ate food from health nut,
But see no signs of health here.
Or nuts, actually.

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37 kids’ bathroom

Post cleaning crew shits
Make me sad face emoji.
And poop emoji.

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36 kids’ bathroom

Beat the cleaning crew!
Nothing worse than dirtying
Your pristine toilet.

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35 home

Really had to go
Yesterday morning. Somehow
It waited til now.


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34 kids’ bathroom

It's trifecta time!
It's the work week's third day and
My super turd day.

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33 downstairs

Guess I wasn't done.
It's not "2 for Tuesday," so
Maybe I'll have more.

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32 downstairs

I'm not gonna lie,
Sitting feels nice, even with
An active rectum.

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31 downstairs

It's a rainy day,
But my butthole's conditions
Are much, much drier.

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30 kids’ bathroom

The kids are away,
So I'm ruining their bathroom,
And they can't say shit.

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29 home

Wife is out of town,
So this stink is mine alone
Instead of half hers.

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28 home

My second today,
And to pick an adjective,
I'd go with "eager."

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27 home

Does everyone think,
"Diarrhea, cha cha cha"
Or is it just me?


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26 downstairs

Quick one before work.
Though this should count as work too,
Because I'm sweating.

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25 work

That was pretty quick,
And I appreciate that.
(No one knows I shit.)

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24 downstairs

Another Monday,
But at least I won a square,
So that's like ok.

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23 home

Super Bowl Sunday,
But this toilet bowl's view is
Quite far from super.


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22 home

Comedy show soon.
Good thing I got these farts out.
Cuz they ain't funny.

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21 downstairs

This one is nasty,
But who's counting? Oh that's right.
I am. I'm counting.

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20 home

It's now or never.
Well, now or like 6pm.
Basically never.

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19 home

The Weather Channel
Said to beware of mudslides.
Ya know, I'll stop there.

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18 downstairs

Open the floodgates!
I would say mudgates but that's
Really disgusting.

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17 downstairs

Has it been that long?
Wow. If so, that would explain
Whatever this is.

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16 home

Back to normal-ish,
Which still means gross and smelly.
That's feces for ya!

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15 home

Hey diarrhea,
Starting with "die" is spot on,
But what's arrhea?


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14 downstairs

I think that one's done,
But kinda have to go more.
Sunday Funday, right?

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13 downstairs

Second of the day,
And just like The Godfather,
A third would be bad.

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12 downstairs

The word "unpleasant"
Doesn't cover it enough.
More like "displeasant."

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11 downstairs

This will make me late,
But what's my other option?
Shitting in traffic?

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10 home

I almost forgot,
But even quick and clean dumps
Deserve a haiku.

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9 home

My hole was empty,
And then there was shit. Ta-da!
Next trick coming soon.

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8 kids’ bathroom

By a show of hands,
Who likes messy shits? No one?
Then who ordered this?


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7 kids’ bathroom

This shit was boring.
Unremarkable, and I
Don't mind it one bit.

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6 home

Sinus infection
Doesn't explain the pressure
In this cavity.

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5 kids’ bathroom

What's up, my body?
Five shit in twelve days? I sense
Some big days ahead.

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4 home

I still have a cold,
But I'm doing well enough
That I can smell this.

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3 home

I got a bad cold.
Doesn't explain why my butt
Is also stuffed up.


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2 home

It took 6 whole days
For me to make #2.
You know what I mean.

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1 downstairs

First shit of the year.
And just like today's weather,
It's dark and stormy.

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