361 downstairs

This shit smells like steak,
But it's not appetizing.
Ya fucked up, body.

Sent from my iPhone

360 kids’ bathroom

I don't think I'll reach
The shit-a-day mark. Unless…
Hi there, Taco Bell!

Sent from my iPhone

359 downstairs

Yesterday

How could I forget
To write on my dad's birthday?
That - like this shit - stinks.

Sent from my iPhone

358 home

I learned a new trick:
How to turn breakfast tacos
Into noontime shits!

Sent from my iPhone

357 downstairs

It's my half-birthday
But I got the toilet a
Full present. Quite full.

Sent from my iPhone

356 work

Happy Boxing Day!
I just did a good deal of
Unpacking some shit.

Sent from my iPhone

355 home

That's not Santa's sleigh
Shooting out through my rectum.
And that's a good thing.

Sent from my iPhone

354 home

Merry Christmas Eve!
This year, I left a present
Under the water.

Sent from my iPhone

353 home

Light day of meetings,
But this dump was quite heavy.
Isn't that bizarre?

Sent from my iPhone

352 home

The kids have a break,
But my only rest from work
Is when I'm shitting.

Sent from my iPhone

351 downstairs

We're in the home stretch.
And based on this shit, "stretch" is
The operative word.

Sent from my iPhone

350 work

Number three fifty!
I'll give that number a word:
Sitsquishtennial.


Sent from my iPhone

349 downstairs

Gotta go to work,
And I think there's more coming.
🎶Gettin' paid to poop! 🎶
Sent from my iPhone

348 downstairs

This got messy quick.
Everything was fine at first.
Just like a threesome.

Sent from my iPhone

347 kids’ bathroom

What's gross and needed
Three flushes worth of wiping?
You're looking at him!

Sent from my iPhone

346 work

I should look slimmer
After what I just shat out.
But I don't. Bummer.

Sent from my iPhone

345 downstairs

My butthole hurts, sure.
But that dump was harder on
My back. That's fucked up.
Sent from my iPhone

344 home

The urgency said
"Diarrhea," but the form
Said, "Nope. Normal shit."

Sent from my iPhone

343 downstairs

I've said it before:
Fancy, expensive food still
Turns into this shit.

Sent from my iPhone

342 downstairs

Work dinner tonight,
And farting non-stop would be
A poor career move.

Sent from my iPhone

341 downstairs

Sit, push, plop, push, plop.
That sounds like a number from
That "Chicago" play.

Sent from my iPhone

340 home

Needed the plunger.
"Was it the TP or just
The size?" he pondered.
Sent from my iPhone

339 downstairs

The width of that shit
Made me wide-eyed in return.
That's pure pooetry.

Sent from my iPhone

338 downstairs

(Yesterday)
Very rushed morning,
So I'm glad this came out quick.
My butt was like, "What?"

Sent from my iPhone

337 kids’ bathroom

Going to the vet,
And it's gonna smell better
Than this here bathroom.

Sent from my iPhone

336 downstairs

Everybody poops,
But does everybody poop
Like this? If so, gross.

Sent from my iPhone

325 home

You know me, always
"Pushing the brown envelope."
The kids say that, right?
Sent from my iPhone

324 home

Turkey, gravy, corn,
And mashed potatoes combine
To make the same shit.

Sent from my iPhone

323 downstairs

Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm making room for turkey
(And grateful for that).
Sent from my iPhone

322 home

I think I've used this,
But pre-thanksgiving shitting
Makes this Brown Wednesday.

Sent from my iPhone

321 home

I tried this before
Without any success. But
This time leaves no doubt.

Sent from my iPhone

320 home

The doorbell just rang,
But I was indisposed. Oh -
And I was shitting.

Sent from my iPhone

319 downstairs

The zoom call ended,
I zoomed to the bathroom, then
Shit zoomed out of me.

Sent from my iPhone

318 home

This is poorly-formed,
Like some of my ideas.
Or amateur cakes.

Sent from my iPhone

317 downstairs

I glanced in the bowl,
And the turd was thinner than
It felt coming out.

Sent from my iPhone

316 downstairs

I just made it home,
And I'm already shitting.
When it's time, it's time.

Sent from my iPhone

315 work

Didn't hit traffic.
That's great, because my rectum
Was traffic-free too.

Sent from my iPhone

314 home

It occurred to me
That post-coital pooping could
Be called "fuck n' shit."

Sent from my iPhone

313 downstairs

I'll say it again:
Pre-shower shits are well-timed.
The other way sucks.

Sent from my iPhone

312 downstairs

My legs fell asleep.
Unfortunately, my nose
Is fully awake.

Sent from my iPhone

311 downstairs

Did you hear that squeak?
It was my butt! No, for real!
Just. So. Talented.

Sent from my iPhone

310 home

Driving to SD,
So this pre-drive dump is great.
For my nose, that is.

Sent from my iPhone

309 downstairs

Sat here for too long,
But the Saturday crossword
Was almost complete.

Sent from my iPhone

308 downstairs

Almost an "oops poo,"
Glad I made it of course, but
That's a palindrome.

Sent from my iPhone

307 home

Hi there, November.
Starting off with a twofer?
Ok then. Let's go.

Sent from my iPhone

306 downstairs

Post-Halloween shits
Are not fun sized, and they put
The poo in spooky.

Sent from my iPhone

305 downstairs

Had to go all day
But was too busy til now.
Whew. I need a nap.

Sent from my iPhone

304 home

Wow, this one smells bad.
And I have lots of others
To compare it to.

Sent from my iPhone

303 home

My dog took a dump
At the vet's office. Not me!
I waited for home.

Sent from my iPhone

302 downstairs

Waited to shower,
And based on this mess, it was
A smart decision.

Sent from my iPhone

301 kids’ bathroom

That one was, sadly,
Wider than it should've been.
Let's call it "a stretch."

Sent from my iPhone

300 kids’ bathroom

A wee rock of poo,
Drops from the crevasse and swims,
Down, down, to freedom.

Sent from my iPhone

299 kids’ bathroom

Barely made it home
With my shit still inside me.
But I did. I rule.

Sent from my iPhone

298 Nevada City

Been driving a lot,
And didn't need to sit more.
But can't stand-shit. Yet.

Sent from my iPhone

297 kids’ bathroom

Another pre-drive shit.
I'm feeling really grateful
That I'm on home turf.

Sent from my iPhone

296 downstairs

Driving up north soon,
So glad I'm doing this now
Versus a rest stop.

Sent from my iPhone

295 downstairs

"This is a mess," said
A drunk David Hasselhoff.
So is this, my dude.

Sent from my iPhone

294 downstairs

Had three shitless days,
Which explains why this one is…
Let's just say "a lot."

Sent from my iPhone

293 home

I'm back! But this time,
I brought extra stink with me.
Hey, I'm a giver.

Sent from my iPhone

292 kids’ bathroom

Should shitting be fun?
If so, this one is failing.
If not, it's spot on.

Sent from my iPhone

291 work

I'm not sure what's up,
But I know what's going down:
Nasty, messy shit.

Sent from my iPhone

290 downstairs

3rd dump of the day,
But first in volume and smell.
Second in talent.

Sent from my iPhone

289 work

It's quiet at work,
So the bathroom was empty
And Peter-ready.

Sent from my iPhone

288 downstairs

There's really no time,
But as my grandfather said,
"Shit waits for no man."

Sent from my iPhone

287 home

Pre-pickleball shit.
I hope lightening my ass
Keeps my feet light too.

Sent from my iPhone

286 work

I got here early
And put in some different work.
(With blood and sweat still.)

Sent from my iPhone

285 home

Yesterday

Not to body shame,
But that shit was quite chubby
And should hit the gym.

Sent from my iPhone

284 downstairs

Fittingly, my butt
Just shat our an ellipsis.
Stay tuned; more to come.

Sent from my iPhone

283 home

I have extra time
Because this shit was ready
And came out like that!

Sent from my iPhone

282 kids’ bathroom

That's two already,
And I'm making ribs later.
Haikus are coming.

Sent from my iPhone

281 downstairs

Monday morning shits
Are almost too on-the-nose.
Not literally.

Sent from my iPhone

280 downstairs

Had Italian food
But don't recall ordering
The crapasmelli.

Sent from my iPhone

279 downstairs

Ate food from a place
Called "Eureka!" This morning,
"I found it" again.

Sent from my iPhone

278 home

Hey, you remember
The Energizer Bunny?
Well, this is like that.

Sent from my iPhone

277 downstairs

I thought I was done
But then I leaned forward and
Well…I wasn't done.

Sent from my iPhone

276 downstairs

I knew I'd be back
For more shit this morning. How?
Just a gut feeling.

Sent from my iPhone

275 downstairs

Called for a slider
But got a knuckleball with
Some cutting action.

Sent from my iPhone

274 downstairs

Texas barbecue
Doesn't travel well when it's
In me and days old.

Sent from my iPhone

273 home

I'm back from Texas
And didn't shit there. Look out.
This won't be pretty.

Sent from my iPhone

272 home

3! Been a long time.
Can't remember if I say
"Butt trick" or "shat trick."

Sent from my iPhone

271 downstairs

"Wait, I'm not done yet!
I have so much more to give!"
-Peter Klein's asshole

Sent from my iPhone

270 downstairs

2 days til Texas,
Where barbecue food makes for
Top notch haiku fuel.


Sent from my iPhone

269 work

I knew there was more!
It was ready to go and
My rectum obliged.

Sent from my iPhone

268 downstairs

Didn't have much time,
So this may be a prequel
To the main (shit)show

Sent from my iPhone

267 downstairs

New year, same asshole.
Still making a mess of things
For me to clean up.

Sent from my iPhone

266 downstairs

Happy Jew New Year!
Sitting here before I sit
Through the services.

Sent from my iPhone

265 kids’ bathroom

Back again so soon?
Yes, and I brought a 12-inch
Anus snake with me.

Sent from my iPhone

264 home

Back on my home throne.
My rectum had less traffic
Than the 101.

Sent from my iPhone

263 Marriott

Before I head home,
I'm leaving a little gift.
A few, actually.

Sent from my iPhone

262 Marriott

Yesterday

Steak, salad, and wine
Were all yummy going down.
Less so coming out.

Sent from my iPhone

261 Marriott DTLA

My room was ready,
So my butt got down to work.
And - whew! - work it did.

Sent from my iPhone

260 downstairs

The conference downtown
Will be more fun than this, but
They might smell the same.

Sent from my iPhone

259 downstairs

A long day today.
Good to get this done early
And not mid-meeting.

Sent from my iPhone

258 work

Banged that out quickly.
"Banged" isn't the right word though.
"Slithered" is better.

Sent from my iPhone

257 downstairs

(Last night)

A shit before bed
Is just like a lullaby.
No it's not. I lied.

Sent from my iPhone

256 downstairs

Not body shaming,
But that shit was a fatty.
Like almost obese.

Sent from my iPhone

255 downstairs

Just a tiny thing.
Not sure it deserves a full
Seventeen syllab-

Sent from my iPhone

254 downstairs

That was really gross.
Like "everyone get down and
Hide your children" gross.

Sent from my iPhone

253 downstairs

After days of farts,
I expected more relief
From dropping solid.

Sent from my iPhone

252 home

This shit foreshadows
The play I'm seeing tonight.
Which? Les Miserables.

Sent from my iPhone

251 work

The toilet paper
Is upside down. I'd protest,
But I need to wipe.

Sent from my iPhone

250 downstairs

Would this shit be my
Bisesquicentennial?
We may never know.

Sent from my iPhone

249 kids’ bathroom

Just a tiny thing.
If it weren't fecal matter,
It might be called cute.

Sent from my iPhone

248 work

A meeting was changed,
So I get to take a shit.
Little victories.

Sent from my iPhone

247 downstairs

My wife has Covid.
The sickest thing in the house,
Though, is this gross shit.

Sent from my iPhone

246 downstairs

Way too many days
Between this and the last shit.
I smell a sequel.

Sent from my iPhone

245 home

Wife is out of town
And I'm thankful, because she
Doesn't deserve…this.

Sent from my iPhone

244 home

Really thinking hard
About what I ate that caused
Massive putridness.

Sent from my iPhone

243 home

Got a nice massage,
But I think all the kneading
Made this come faster.

Sent from my iPhone

242 downstairs

A pretty quick one.
Please note the lack of comma.
It wasn't pretty.

Sent from my iPhone

241 downstairs

2-4-1 is right.
That was enough volume for
Two shits. At least two.

Sent from my iPhone

240 work

I just couldn't wait,
And honestly, I should write
Three haiku for that.

Sent from my iPhone

239 work

Got to work early
So I got to shit in peace.
Scratch that - in pieces.

Sent from my iPhone

238 home

(Yesterday)
Pre-funeral dump.
At least I know any tears
Won't be from my stench.


Sent from my iPhone

237 home

A quick second shit
Before a slew of meetings.
Hey, timing is ev-

Sent from my iPhone

236 downstairs

If I waited more,
I think there was more on deck.
Also in the hole.

Sent from my iPhone

235 kids’ bathroom

I ordered chicken
But think I may have eaten
Long brown snake instead.

Sent from my iPhone

234 downstairs

Taylor Swift tonight!
My asshole is "delicate"
And had some "bad blood."

Sent from my iPhone

232 downstairs

I've often wondered
If an all-brown-food diet
Would change anything.

Sent from my iPhone

231 downstairs

The hits keep coming!
Oops, I typed that wrong. They're shits.
The shits keep coming.

Sent from my iPhone

230 home

2-30? More like
Asshole hurty. And nasal
Cavity hurty.

Sent from my iPhone

229 downstairs

Would it be racist
If - actually, you know what?
I'm gonna stop here.

Sent from my iPhone

228 downstairs

Today is 8-1.
Like, "I 8-1 burrito
And then dropped a dos."

Sent from my iPhone

227 downstairs

That went from Maybe
To an emphatic Yes in
One and a half farts.

Sent from my iPhone

226 downstairs

When my butt is mad,
I get the opposite of
The silent treatment.

Sent from my iPhone

225 downstairs

That one hurt a bit.
It's almost as if the chef
Sharpened the tri tip.

Sent from my iPhone

224 kids’ bathroom

Lots of meetings soon,
So I figured I'd try, and…
(Cue music) Success!

Sent from my iPhone

223 downstairs

Sitting and shitting
Not only can hurt my butt,
But my back too. Fun.

Sent from my iPhone

222 yesterday

A society
Must follow specified rules.
Same here - that blip counts.

Sent from my iPhone

221 downstairs

First dump in 3 days,
So this smells like one of those
Post-buffet sessions.

Sent from my iPhone

220 kids’ bathroom

This reminds me of
A certain soft drink. Real soft.
How soft? It's called Squirt.

Sent from my iPhone

219 downstairs

Texting while shitting
Isn't as dangerous as
Driving…but smells worse.

Sent from my iPhone

218 downstairs

My kids go to camp
And these "kids" go to the pool.
Gotta love summer.

Sent from my iPhone

217 home

Big gas pains, big shit.
Did I just create a new
Shit corollary?

Sent from my iPhone

216 downstairs

Just finished swimming,
And my feces got jealous.
Fine, swim. You happy?

Sent from my iPhone

215 home

Yesterday

How did I forget?
Especially when the smell
Lingered for so long?

Sent from my iPhone

214 home

A big heap of gross.
A flush. A second gross heap.
Many wipes. A flush.

Sent from my iPhone

213 downstairs

That shit was modern.
I mean fashion-wise, of course,
With its tapered look.

Sent from my iPhone

212 downstairs

Will a bedtime shit
Make me a lighter sleeper?
(Takes a bow; drops mic.)

Sent from my iPhone

211 work

Just got to work and
Already getting shit done.
Like literally.

Sent from my iPhone

210 home

Pre-funeral shit.
At least I know any tears
Won't be from my gas.

Sent from my iPhone

209 home

It's not surprising
That my fourth shit of the day
Is the grossest yet.

Sent from my iPhone

208 downstairs

What the fuck, butthole?
Three times before noon? Did I
Get hexed or something?

Sent from my iPhone

207 downstairs

Another so soon?
By the look and smell of it,
My ass will be back

Sent from my iPhone

206 downstairs

Early morning shits
Uniquely start the day off
In good and bad ways.

Sent from my iPhone

205 downstairs

Chest exercises
Made my chest sore. My butt's pain
Isn't related.

Sent from my iPhone

204 work

In and dump and out.
I made quick work of that one,
Which I like at work.

Sent from my iPhone

203 downstairs

Yesterday

The leftovers from
The Fourth of July are gone.
My butt rejoices.

Sent from my iPhone

202 home

Shorter hair, same butt.
I didn't think it would change,
And I was so right.

Sent from my iPhone

201 downstairs

Shits before haircuts
Are like coffee with baileys.
Don't ask, just trust me.

Sent from my iPhone

200 home

Bicentennial?
More like "bye, scented anal."
Boom! Fuckin' nailed it.

Sent from my iPhone

199 home

Sorry, cleaning crew.
Your work was quickly undone
By my active ass.

Sent from my iPhone

198 home

Jesus fucking Christ.
It's serendipitous that
That's five syllables.

Sent from my iPhone

197 downstairs

Solid then…less so.
It was like a movie twist
Except fucking gross.

Sent from my iPhone

196 downstairs

In hindsight, I wish
I'd weighed myself before this
Insane run of shits.

Sent from my iPhone

195 kids’ bathroom

Dear lord in heaven,
Please consider my asshole
In all that's holy.

Sent from my iPhone

194 kids’ bathroom

I swear I didn't
Eat anything to merit
Those four nasty shits.

Sent from my iPhone

193 downstairs

Oy, my poor asshole.
Feel like there's more to come too.
Please send thoughts and prayers.

Sent from my iPhone

192 kids’ bathroom

(Yesterday)
Another so soon?
I guess my ass likes home turf
(And is showing it).

Sent from my iPhone

191 home

Just got home and my
First order of business is
Number two business.

Sent from my iPhone

190 Smallwood residence

Heading back home soon,
And I just made the plane's load
Lighter from my load.

Sent from my iPhone

189 Smallwood residence

A small shit before
A tour and a museum.
Gotta stay spry, yo.

Sent from my iPhone

188 Smallwood residence

It didn't look like
The Washington Monument,
And that's kinda sad.

Sent from my iPhone

187 Smallwood residence

Shitting in DC
And smelling this bad is a
Capital offense.

Sent from my iPhone

186 kids’ bathroom

Going to DC.
They have enough people there
Who are full of shit.

Sent from my iPhone

185 home

Meetings starting soon,
But I'm glad I managed to
Squeeze in a squeeze out.

Sent from my iPhone

184 downstairs

The national flag
Of Myassville would be brown
On white. With red streaks.

Sent from my iPhone

183 downstairs

Ok, there we go.
Hadn't had the "real big shit"
But felt it coming.

Sent from my iPhone

182 downstairs

My butt made a sound
Similar to a shoe on
A basketball court.

Sent from my iPhone

181 downstairs

This shit is a mix
Of sushi and Chinese food.
That's Asian fusion!

Sent from my iPhone

180 downstairs

With days between shits,
I expected more from this.
Volume, not effort.

Sent from my iPhone

179 downstairs

I'm back from word and
My first order of business
Is this shit business.

Sent from my iPhone

178 home

I made up a joke:
Why did I just shit so much?
Chipotle! Get it?

Sent from my iPhone

177 home

This wasn't a dump.
The way it softly glided
Was quite undumplike.

Sent from my iPhone

176 home

My wife's work party
Had many food options that
I'm revisiting.

Sent from my iPhone

175 downstairs

You think "pooetry"
Is a trademarkable term?
Asking for a friend.

Sent from my iPhone

174 home (yesterday)

I was so gassy
That my butt was thankful for
Solids for a change.

Sent from my iPhone

173 home

I ate two dinners,
And drank two beers. Now this deuce
Says it was too much.

Sent from my iPhone

172 kids’ bathroom

If I called my ass
"The Gas Station," it works but
Ignores the solids.

Sent from my iPhone

171 downstairs

Cuban food dinner,
Then a Mexican food lunch.
¡Ay, que lastima!

Sent from my iPhone

170 home

A triple flusher.
Not to be considerate,
Just anti-clogging.

Sent from my iPhone

169 kids’ bathroom

Second messy shit,
And that's before my steak lunch
Makes its mark. Skid mark.

Sent from my iPhone

168 downstairs

Behind last year's pace
By almost two weeks. That's…bad?
My hole says it's great.

Sent from my iPhone

167 downstairs

Monday-like Tuesdays
Are so confusing. Even
My stomach's upset.

Sent from my iPhone

166 home

Grilled black bean burgers,
But they're still in my stomach.
Next one should be fun!

Sent from my iPhone

165 home

That one was nasty.
Not in a "great curveball" way,
But a "ewww gross" way.

Sent from my iPhone

164 downstairs

Getting a haircut.
I mean after this, of course.
Ya god damn sicko.

Sent from my iPhone

163 home

You know in movies
When steam comes out from a pipe?
It's kinda like that.

Sent from my iPhone

162 home

Foul smelling demon!
Be gone! Thou art banished to
Thy watery grave!

Sent from my iPhone

161 downstairs

Stopped home for a sec,
And managed to squeeze this out
Before heading back.

Sent from my iPhone

160 downstairs

It's like I'm shifting
My discomfort's location:
Gas pain to ass pain.

Sent from my iPhone

159 Big Sur cabin

I shat in the woods,
And the log did make a sound
But also a smell.

Sent from my iPhone

158 kids’ bathroom

That fourth number 2
Announced itself urgently.
Was quite…fourthcoming?

Sent from my iPhone

157 kids’ bathroom

That's the trifecta!
Not just three shits, but shitting
In all three bathrooms.

Sent from my iPhone

156 downstairs

Glad I got this out
Before some non-stop meetings.
They're on Zoom, but still.

Sent from my iPhone

155 downstairs

The Chipotle bowl
Had a typo. It should say
Chipotle bowel.

Sent from my iPhone

154 kids’ bathroom

First in a few days.
Will the antibiotics
Further slow things down?

Sent from my iPhone

153 home

Did the Sudafed
Give my body the message
To clear out all holes?

Sent from my iPhone

152 downstairs

I blew my nose while
The shit came out of my ass.
BOW BEFORE YOUR GOD!

Sent from my iPhone

151 home

Home with a sore throat.
Think I'd actually prefer
To have a sore ass.

Sent from my iPhone

150 downstairs

I came home from work
On the early side for this.
They should all thank me.

Sent from my iPhone

149 home

Needed two flushes
From all the toilet paper.
Gross shits will do that.

Sent from my iPhone

148 home

Friday

How did I forget?
What kind of poo haikuist
Almost skips a shit?


Sent from my iPhone

147 downstairs

My dumps-per-day rate
Is way down. I'll crunch the full
DPD stats soon.

Sent from my iPhone

146 home

That's 3 already
And it's about noon. Could I
Go for 4? Or 5?!?!

Sent from my iPhone

145 home

What could've caused this?
Indian food? WingStop? Or…
Something…from beyond?

Sent from my iPhone

144 downstairs

I've said it before,
But it's a fittingly gross
One forty-fourth shit.

Sent from my iPhone

143 work

First bathroom I tried
Was out of toilet paper.
So glad I saw that.

Sent from my iPhone

142 downstairs

My back is achy,
So I'm grateful that this one
Was quick and easy.

Sent from my iPhone

141 downstairs

Two in one morning.
Glad I waited to shower
For, ya know, debris.

Sent from my iPhone

141 downstairs

Two in one morning.
Glad I waited to shower
For, ya know, debris.

Sent from my iPhone

140 downstairs

Although I'm sleepy,
My butthole is wide awake.
Emphasis on wide.

Sent from my iPhone

139 downstairs

Now a messy one.
A "will it ever stop?" one.
A "please help me" one.

Sent from my iPhone

138 downstairs

You know what's awesome?
A big, satisfying shit
With zero clean up.

Sent from my iPhone

137 downstairs

That one was a lot.
In volume, but also in
Its toll on my soul.

Sent from my iPhone

136 downstairs

A b'nai mitzvah
Calls for something real special.
(Ahem) Here you go.

Sent from my iPhone

135 home

Maybe those tacos
Were too much for this stomach.
And this anus too.

Sent from my iPhone

134 home

You know it's bad when
Even I think it was gross.
Well friends, it was bad.


Sent from my iPhone

133 downstairs

B'mitzvah photos
Might look better if I'm not
Holding back some shits.

Sent from my iPhone

132 downstairs

(Yesterday)

After a slow pace,
A one-day trifecta is
A dump-slumpbuster.

Sent from my iPhone

131 home

That wasn't pleasant,
And I think there will be more.
Here's to a fun day!

Sent from my iPhone

130 downstairs

It had been two weeks,
And my body forgot how
To do Chipotle.

Sent from my iPhone

129 downstairs

I've been slowing down,
Which is reminiscent and
A bit concerning.

Sent from my iPhone

128 home

My third time trying,
But first with any success.
"Success" might be wrong.

Sent from my iPhone

127 kids’ bathroom

There was a lot there,
Especially since it was
#2 today.

Sent from my iPhone

126 downstairs

I'm glad that matzo
Softens during digestion.
Otherwise…Oy vey.

Sent from my iPhone

125 work

I tried to hold on,
But it just had to come out.
That's one driven shit.

Sent from my iPhone

124 downstairs

I must've missed one,
Even though that's unlikely.
So is 3 days off.

Sent from my iPhone

123 home

This reminds me of
Hawaii. Because it looks
Like an island chain.

Sent from my iPhone

122 downstairs

Got lots of meetings
And this toilet one-on-one
Wasn't scheduled.

Sent from my iPhone

121 kids’ bathroom

Third shit of the day
And the third day of the month.
That's, like, spooky, right?

Sent from my iPhone

120 downstairs

Now my stomach's mad.
Was it pizza? Ice cream cake?
Or just, ya know, 'cuz?

Sent from my iPhone

119 downstairs

That was a big shit.
Big both in size and also
In momentousness.

Sent from my iPhone

118 downstairs

I became a dad
Thirteen years ago today.
And right now. With shit.

Sent from my iPhone

117 work

I got here early
And shat in relative peace.
The smell upset me.

Sent from my iPhone

116 downstairs

Did a food tasting,
Then immediately shat.
That's a good sign, right?

Sent from my iPhone

115 downstairs

My boy has strep throat.
While that sucks, it's better than
Having strep rectum.

Sent from my iPhone

114 downstairs

Mac and cheese cooking,
But I stepped away for this.
I know - what a chef.

Sent from my iPhone

113 home

Held on the whole drive,
Then unleashed this long monster.
I'll call it Nessy.

Sent from my iPhone

112 SD hotel

Another small piece.
I'm worried that my next shit
Will be gigantor.

Sent from my iPhone

111 downstairs

Just a little blip.
Might not even show up on
The Dumplar Radar.

Sent from my iPhone

110 home

My dearest WingStop,
Can you please WingStop me from
WingShitting so much?

Sent from my iPhone

109 home

A rare clog from me.
Must've been heavy, weight-wise
And spiritually.

Sent from my iPhone

108 home

I've had this ass for
Four and a half decades, yet
Sometimes it gets me.

Sent from my iPhone

107 home

As I was wiping,
I heard a zoom call ringing.
The rest is a blur.

Sent from my iPhone

106 home

Knew I wasn't done,
Just like I know I'll go more
Before today's done.

Sent from my iPhone

105 downstairs

Teachers are striking,
But my rectum sure isn't.
That thing is WORKING.

Sent from my iPhone

104 downstairs

Making mac and cheese,
So I need this to be quick.
I'm such a good dad.

Sent from my iPhone

103 downstairs

19 years ago,
I got married. Did I shit?
With no blog, who knows?

Sent from my iPhone

102 home

It's March Madness time,
And I just had a slam dump.
Didn't check for seeds.

Sent from my iPhone

101 downstairs

It's St. Patty's Day,
And yet my shit wasn't green.
Would've been something.

Sent from my iPhone

100 downstairs

My colon seems like
It's actually a series
Of non-stop commas.

Sent from my iPhone

99 home

Yesterday

With 4 shits today,
It's truly becoming a
Match to remember.

Sent from my iPhone

98 downstairs

Doing a podcast
Later this morning. Hope I
Got all them farts out.

Sent from my iPhone

97 downstairs

Just a wee nugget,
But aye, ye better believe
It be a fierce one.

Sent from my iPhone

96 home

I'm back home from work,
But I'm still doing some work -
Working this shit out!

Sent from my iPhone

95 downstairs

(Yesterday)
Am I back to my
Pre-colonoscopy ass?
Feels and smells like it.

Sent from my iPhone

94 downstairs

First shit since the 'scope.
Not sure what you did there, doc,
But it's smoooooth sailing.

Sent from my iPhone

93 downstairs

Have you ever pissed
From two holes at the same time?
It was quite…draining.

Sent from my iPhone

92 downstairs

And…I'm over this.
it's been fun and all, but my
Asshole is weeping.

Sent from my iPhone

91 downstairs

The forecast calls for
Violent butt thunderstorms and
Some forceful mudslides.

Sent from my iPhone

90 downstairs

He's back at it, folks!
The geyser's still brownish so
More spewing ahead!

Sent from my iPhone

89 downstairs

Last before bedtime?
The blood on the TP says,
"I fucking hope so."

Sent from my iPhone

88 downstairs

How is there still more?
Jesus and The Funky Bunch!
My poor, poor sphincter.

Sent from my iPhone

87 home

One thing's for certain:
If I used to have some brains,
I've now shit them out.

Sent from my iPhone

86 home

My butthole feels like
I ate spicy food. But this
Is different burning.

Sent from my iPhone

85 home

Is that it for now?
Sad to say I don't think so.
Sad for my asshole.

Sent from my iPhone

84 home

I don't understand
How I still have some islands
In this flowing stream.

Sent from my iPhone

83 home

I got a brief break,
But can you guess what happened?
Peeing out my ass!

Sent from my iPhone

82 home

And so it's begun.
I underestimated
The sounds. All the sounds.

Sent from my iPhone

81 downstairs

Dear Baby Jesus,
Please make this today's last shit.
Sincerely, My Butt.

Sent from my iPhone

80 kids’ bathroom

Now it's just stupid.
I'm gonna be all cleaned out
And then take "the drink."

Sent from my iPhone

79 downstairs

The squirts already?
I don't start the colon prep
Until tomorrow!

Sent from my iPhone

78 downstairs

I ate no hummus
From The Hummus Bar. And yet,
This is hummusesque.

Sent from my iPhone

77 downstairs

I went this morning
But forgot to write it down.
Heh heh, I said butt.

Sent from my iPhone

76 downstairs

Lots of morning farts.
Hope this means that they'll be gone
Before Trader Joe's.

Sent from my iPhone

75 downstairs

That shit was forceful,
As if it and my rectum
Have opposite poles.

Sent from my iPhone

74 downstairs

Almost my demi-
Sesquicentennial shit!
Yeah, I made that up.

Sent from my iPhone

73 downstairs

I can't stop shitting.
Good practice for next Friday's
Colonoscopy.

Sent from my iPhone

72 Palm Springs hotel

My butthole is sore.
This has been a shitful trip,
And it's felt it all.

Sent from my iPhone

71 Palm Springs hotel

I'm back from the show,
And shitting again. True facts.
Also true: it smells.

Sent from my iPhone

70 Palm Springs hotel

Fancy French dinners
Are none of those words when they
Come out the next day.

Sent from my iPhone

69 Palm Springs hotel

Barely made it back.
Not sure what caused this, but damn,
Let's hope it's over.

Sent from my iPhone

68 Palm Springs conference hotel

Thank god for lunch breaks.
Those squirts were in a hurry
And this is my chance.

Sent from my iPhone

67 Palm Springs hotel

I'm in the desert,
But not everything is dry.
I mean my shit's wet.

Sent from my iPhone

66 home

My butt is having
A big sale. No, what's it called?
Oh yeah, a blowout.

Sent from my iPhone

65 downstairs

Dentist this morning,
So today's for cleaning out
All orifices.

Sent from my iPhone

64 downstairs

Off to my haircut.
Glad I got this done first, and
So is the whole shop.

Sent from my iPhone

63 home

Thought I was done, but
A well-executed lean
Produced more…results.

Sent from my iPhone

62 home

Just a little squirt.
A liquid dumplet. A shplash.
Got it: a poopsqueak.

Sent from my iPhone

61 downstairs

You should be grateful
That I'm doing poo haiku
Instead of Poopcasts.

Sent from my iPhone

60 home

Did someone order
Some sweet and pungent feces?
Cuz if so…ta da!!!

Sent from my iPhone

59 home

That was part 2 of
A very special two-part
Dumping episode.

Sent from my iPhone

58 downstairs

I made that happen.
I could've given up, but
There's no but in butt.

Sent from my iPhone

57 downstairs

Coaching soccer soon,
But never too early to
Take a shot. Oops - shit.

Sent from my iPhone

56 downstairs

I just bought two suits.
Hope the waist is accurate
Since it was pre-shit

Sent from my iPhone

55 downstairs

Since I'll be eating
Meatball sliders later, here's
A preview. Presmell?

Sent from my iPhone

54 home

I finished going,
But could already go more.
What wasteful wiping!

Sent from my iPhone

53 home

Third dump this morning.
And that, boys and girls, is how
I hit my numbers.

Sent from my iPhone

52 downstairs

How is there so much?
It's like I have a secret
Second GI tract.


Sent from my iPhone

51 downstairs

Delayed my workout
To work this shit out instead.
Out…of my rectum.

Sent from my iPhone

50 home

(Yesterday)
Wasn't sure I'd go,
But that log was determined
To see some sunlight.

Sent from my iPhone

49 downstairs

That one was grody.
Not all the way to the max,
More like mid-grody.

Sent from my iPhone

48 downstairs

I think I just shat
The solid form of gas pains,
If that's possible.

Sent from my iPhone

47 downstairs

A shit before work
Is a misnomer because
Believe me - it's work.

Sent from my iPhone

46 downstairs

(Yesterday)
The Super Bowl ends,
The Super Bowel begins.
The game was better.

Sent from my iPhone

45 downstairs

First time thought: I'm glad
Sour Patch Kids do not cause
Puckering assholes.

Sent from my iPhone

44 home

The pre-shower shit
Is the smart way to do it.
Trust me. I know things.

Sent from my iPhone

43 downstairs

The shit swiftly swims
Through shimmering silvery
Shit pipes. They're shit pipes.

Sent from my iPhone

42 downstairs

Look, not to brag, but
I totally called this shit
Before it happened.

Sent from my iPhone

41 downstairs

Just a little chunk,
But I can sense that there's more
In my mind's rectum.

Sent from my iPhone

40 work

It's not crowded yet,
So I can get in and out
Without feeling shame.

Sent from my iPhone

39 downstairs

I rocked back and forth
And wasn't sure it would work.
But then - BAM! - It worked.

Sent from my iPhone

38 downstairs

Three dumps already?
This has the makings of a
Shitty, shitty day.

Sent from my iPhone

37 downstairs

If today's Wordle
Was Nasty, Gross, or Messy,
That would've made sense.


Sent from my iPhone

36 home

My wife's heading out
And won't be back til Monday.
Smells don't last that long.

Sent from my iPhone

35 kids’ bathroom

Number 3 was gross.
Like number 1 in grossness
For a number 2.

Sent from my iPhone

34 downstairs

Two dumps before 9!
Somebody's awake today.
(Side eyes at rectum.)

Sent from my iPhone

33 downstairs

Yesterday's lunch wrap
Must've come undone during
Its time inside me.

Sent from my iPhone

32 downstairs

January ends
With barely more shits than days.
Yay? Boo? I'm not sure.

Sent from my iPhone

31 downstairs

I held it all day.
The single bathrooms at work
Would've outed me.

Sent from my iPhone

30 downstairs

Turkey chili and
Some baked beans after. Forecast
Calls for thunderstorms.

Sent from my iPhone

29 downstairs

A dog bit my ass.
I'm fine, and it doesn't make
Shitting any worse.

Sent from my iPhone

28 home

My wife is at work,
So I can wreck our bathroom
With impunity.

Sent from my iPhone

27 downstairs

Second of the day
And it's only eight o'clock.
This isn't good news.

Sent from my iPhone

26 downstairs

TGIF? No.
Sorry honey, it's Thursday.
Or SHIT.

Sent from my iPhone

25 downstairs (yesterday)

Hate to shit and run,
But I guess it's better than
Running and shitting.

Sent from my iPhone

24 downstairs

It's 2 for Tuesday!
Unless you're counting movements.
Then it's like…7.

Sent from my iPhone

23 downstairs

Did I eat shawarma?
I don't think I ate shawarma,
But…well…you get it.

Sent from my iPhone

22 downstairs

An all-day meeting
Would make shitting pretty tough.
Thank you, morning dump.

Sent from my iPhone

21 home

Number 21,
Just like blackjack, but this time
It's brown. And not Jack.

Sent from my iPhone

20 downstairs

Saturday shits are
Just like weekday shits except
A lot less hurried.

Sent from my iPhone

19 downstairs

That was a gross one.
It's like it only had a
Loose concept of shit.

Sent from my iPhone

18 downstairs

I think I shat out
Those short rib raviolis.
But now they're long ribs.

Sent from my iPhone

17 downstairs

Started with a fart.
Farted some more. Shat a bit.
Then guess what. More farts.

Sent from my iPhone

16 downstairs

I don't know what's up.
I'll go a few times and then
Not for days. The fuck?

Sent from my iPhone

15 downstairs

I just went a lot
But feel like more is coming.
Yes, there will be mud.

Sent from my iPhone

14 downstairs

I dropped that turd like
Moses dropped the tablet with
Fifteen commandments.


Sent from my iPhone

13 downstairs

I'm glad this podcast
Doesn't know it's the soundtrack
To Peter shitting.

Sent from my iPhone

12 downstairs

Just got a haircut,
So taking a shit now is…
Exactly the same.

Sent from my iPhone

11 downstairs

The chicken kebab
Magically transformed into
Chicken koobideh.

Sent from my iPhone

10 downstairs

Waited to get home,
Then quickly plopped my ass down.
Then came more plopping.

Sent from my iPhone

9 downstairs

Kids are back in school,
But a quick stop at the pool
Fit with no problem.

Sent from my iPhone

8 downstairs

Back above pace, folks!
It took a week, but I feel,
In a word, relieved.


Sent from my iPhone

7 home

Gonna volunteer
At an animal shelter.
I can't smell like ass.

Sent from my iPhone

6 downstairs

I think it's Twelfth Night.
My butt shall play Orsino.
Well, at least the O.

Sent from my iPhone

5 home

It's still raining hard.
So much, in fact, that it caused
This bathroom mudslide.

Sent from my iPhone

4 downstairs

It's raining outside,
And my butt is thundering.
A few hailstones too.

Sent from my iPhone

3 downstairs

Getting back on track
In a quick and painless way.
Well, mostly painless.

Sent from my iPhone

2 downstairs

This one took some work.
Glad I've done those ab workouts
For these crap work-outs.

Sent from my iPhone

1 downstairs

First of '23!
Behind the poop-a-day pace,
But I got this shit.

Sent from my iPhone