210 downstairs

Shat so much this year,
I'm not sure I'll surpass it.
I'll give it a shit.


Sent from my iPhone

209 downstairs

(Yesterday)
I shat so quickly
I didn't write a haiku.
Well, I'm fixing that.

Sent from my iPhone

208 downstairs

Took a dump before
My weekly weigh-in. Looks like
It made a difference.

Sent from my iPhone

207 downstairs

Lunges and squats are
Really hard to do with a
Monster shit on deck.

Sent from my iPhone

206 downstairs

Since it's Christmas Eve,
I thought I'd make the bathroom
Smell like a manger.

Sent from my iPhone

205 home

During a meeting!
Glad I turned the camera off.
They should be glad too.

Sent from my iPhone

204 downstairs

Glad I went before
Four straight hours of meetings.
Would've been awkward.

Sent from my iPhone

203 downstairs

Mexican chili
Made me fart for two days straight
But not shit til now.

Sent from my iPhone

202 home

(Friday)
Waited a long time,
And it showed. Produced enough
To clog the toilet.

Sent from my iPhone

201 home

Dudes, I'm on a roll.
And I just used half a roll
Of toilet paper.

Sent from my iPhone

200! Downstairs

Bicentennial!
It's a big accomplishment
In a shitty year.

Sent from my iPhone

199 kids’ bathroom

That was a wide one.
Like, wider than my asshole.
But I persevered.

Sent from my iPhone

198 downstairs

Close to 200!
My butt chose 20-20
To start working out.

Sent from my iPhone

197 home

Super busy day,
But I managed to not shit
While in a meeting!

Sent from my iPhone

196 downstairs

It's after midnight,
Otherwise this would count as
Three shits in one day!

Sent from my iPhone

195 downstairs

Guess I wasn't done.
Makes the name Poquito Más
Extremely fitting.

Sent from my iPhone

194 downstairs

Turkey chili lunch
Chicken burrito dinner
Fart, fart, fart, fart, shit


Sent from my iPhone

193 downstairs

Back is improving,
But standing up is still hard.
Guess I'll keep shitting.

Sent from my iPhone

192 downstairs

Taking a shit with
Back pain is tough. But I fear
Wiping will be worse.

Sent from my iPhone

191 downstairs

This one felt real big.
No episiotomy
Needed. Thank the lord.

Sent from my iPhone

190 downstairs

I'm in a hurry.
No time to write a haiku.
Just shit, wipe, and go.


Sent from my iPhone

189 home

A lot of bad farts
Preceded this dump. Let's hope
They've gone away now.

Sent from my iPhone

188 downstairs

I meditated
Seven days straight. My o-ring
Is now an ohm-ring.

Sent from my iPhone

187 home

Ouch, that one was sharp.
Like it dragged its fingernails
While being pushed out.

Sent from my iPhone

Fwd: 186 downstairs

Sent from my iPhone

Begin forwarded message:

From: Peter Klein <ptklein@gmail.com>
Date: November 16, 2020 at 8:03:20 AM PST
To: gmail <ptklein@gmail.com>
Subject: 186 downstairs

Big workout, big dump.
Big strain, followed by big plop.
Big smell, big sad face.

Sent from my iPhone

185 kids’ bathroom

Judging by this shit,
My body hasn't processed
The spicy wings yet.

Sent from my iPhone

184 downstairs

New job starts Monday.
Gotta get all this shit out
So I can start fresh.

Sent from my iPhone

183 downstairs

Damn, I just showered.
It's like smearing fresh paint on
The Mona Lisa.

Sent from my iPhone

182 kids’ bathroom

New week, still dumping.
I'm gonna break 200,
Which starts with a deuce.

Sent from my iPhone

181 kids’ bathroom

This shit feels heavy.
Really wish I'd weighed myself
Before and after.

Sent from my iPhone

180 kids’ bathroom

Yesterday
Joe Biden has won!
So now it's "out with the Trump"
And out with this dump.

Sent from my iPhone

179 downstairs

Election results
Are not yet final. This sucks.
I shit in protest.

Sent from my iPhone

178 home

Is it pumpkin seeds?
Are they the stomach culprit?
Hope not. They taste good.

Sent from my iPhone

177 kids’ bathroom

Last day at GH.
Lightening my workload and
My buttload as well.

Sent from my iPhone

176 downstairs

Hey, it's November!
My butthole opens as the
Year begins to close.

Sent from my iPhone

175 downstairs

Yesterday

Happy Halloween!
This shit is a spooky one
(Emphasis on "poo").


Sent from my iPhone

174 downstairs

The squirts are in town.
I didn't invite them, and
I hope they leave soon.

Sent from my iPhone

173 home

10% done with
P90x. Still alive,
Butt smells like death though.

Sent from my iPhone

172 kids’ bathroom

Finished my first week
Of P90X. Even
My asshole is sore.

Sent from my iPhone

171 home

Still dumping daily!

I think it's P90X

Jostling things free.

170 downstairs

I'm about to quit,
So maybe I have a case
Of the nervous shits.

Sent from my iPhone

169 downstairs

Do I dump daily
Or is this a short-term thing?
I guess time will tell.

Sent from my iPhone

168 downstairs

Rice and beans last night,
And farts and shits this morning.
Cause and effect, yo.

Sent from my iPhone

167 downstairs

Big and strong gas pains
Turned into big and strong shits.
Evolution's real.

Sent from my iPhone

166 downstairs

Right at this moment,
Peter is not full of shit.
Let us enjoy this.

Sent from my iPhone

165 downstairs

My stomach hates me.
Think I need to mix in a
Whole field of salads.

Sent from my iPhone

164 downstairs

Guess I wasn't done.
Just unloaded enough shit
To last the whole week.

Sent from my iPhone

163 downstairs

Thank the fucking lord.
Gassy and bloated for days.
Sweet (and gross) relief.

Sent from my iPhone

162 downstairs

Shitting my brains out.
It's greater than the sum of
The burrito's parts.

Sent from my iPhone

161 downstairs

This is evidence
That my body hates beef stew.
Just trust me on this.

Sent from my iPhone

160 downstairs

I'm a poop machine.
Think I'll go again today.
Spooky October.


Sent from my iPhone

159 home

So...two burritos

May have been a bit too much

For my lone asshole.

158 downstairs

It took a while,
But two shits in one morning
Is quite the payoff.

Sent from my iPhone

157 downstairs

Really had to go
On Saturday. It's Monday.
That took way too long.

Sent from my iPhone

156 downstairs

Courtesy flushes
Are appropriately named.
Kindness matters, kids.

Sent from my iPhone

155 downstairs

The High Holy Days
Helped me purge my sins. I now
Purge everything else.

Sent from my iPhone

154 Arrowhead cabin downstairs (off game room)

Finally going.
Waited days for this. I blame
The high altitude.

Sent from my iPhone

153 downstairs

Interview later.
Probably best if I'm not
Ya know, full of shit.

Sent from my iPhone

152 downstairs

I swear the curry
Was yellow last night. And yet,
Well, I'm sure you know.

Sent from my iPhone

151 downstairs

The fridge repairman
Left just in time for me to
Fix my compressor.

Sent from my iPhone

150 downstairs

L'shana tova!
May this be a sweet new year,
And far less pungent.

Sent from my iPhone

149 downstairs

One more til it's my
Sesquicentennial shit!
My butt's excited.

Sent from my iPhone

148 downstairs

The IPAs were
Blood orange flavored. But my shit
Isn't orange at all.

Sent from my iPhone

147 home

Squirted out some more.
And believe me, it squirted.
You believe me, right?

Sent from my iPhone

146 downstairs

I look forward to
Eating just salad today.
Something isn't right.

Sent from my iPhone

145 home

Saturday

Thank you, jerk chicken.
You taught me a good lesson:
My body hates you.

Sent from my iPhone

144 downstairs

Do you like magic?
Watch as I turn green powder
Into brown liquid!

Sent from my iPhone

143 home

Hey Indian food,
Could you give me more notice
Before returning?

Sent from my iPhone

142 downstairs

Short week, but long poop.
Long in length, not duration.
Came out fast in fact.

Sent from my iPhone

141 downstairs

This one took some work.
It's fitting, therefore, that it's
Labor Day today.

Sent from my iPhone

140 downstairs

Friday

Expensive sushi
Still turns out brown and smelly.
Alas. What a world.

Sent from my iPhone

139 home

Pre-physical dump.
I'll wipe really well in case
He drops a digit.


Sent from my iPhone

138 home (downstairs)

That one was messy.
Extra swabbing on the deck.
The poop deck, that is.

Sent from my iPhone

137 home (downstairs)

Getting my poop on!
That's what all the cool kids say.
Ya know, when they shit.

Sent from my iPhone

136 downstairs

Autocorrect, man.
It turned "poo" into "pop." Wait,
That kinda makes sense.

Sent from my iPhone

135 home (downstairs)

Why is shinola
Exploding out of my butt?
What's that? Shit? My bad.

Sent from my iPhone

134 home (downstairs)

Guess I wasn't done.
Might not see me again til
The end of the week.

Sent from my iPhone

133 home (downstairs)

I'm starting early.
Hope this helps me feel lighter
Spiritually too.

Sent from my iPhone

132 home (downstairs)

The kids are fighting,
But I'm gonna need more time.
Shit waits for no one.

Sent from my iPhone

131 home (downstairs)

Small piece then big piece.
Reminded me of a jab
Then an uppercut.

Sent from my iPhone

130 home

How is my shit like
A famous soccer player?
They are both Messi.

Sent from my iPhone

129 downstairs

Going to a farm,
And though my smells might blend in,
Shitting first is good.

Sent from my iPhone

128 home (downstairs)

Another shit? Wow.
This has become an ass- and
Record-breaking year.

Sent from my iPhone

127 home

I was right this time!
I've shat twice today (at least!).
Thank you, beet hummus.

Sent from my iPhone

126 downstairs

I've been wrong before,
But I feel a second shit
Will grace us today.

Sent from my iPhone

125 downstairs

This is 1 of 2.
I'm certain of it. No way
It's my only dump.

Sent from my iPhone

124 downstairs

Hope this releases
Some of my stomach pressure.
I mean, shit came out.

Sent from my iPhone

123 home (downstairs)

Did I eat something
That caused this unique shit smell?
Oh yeah - jerk chicken.

Sent from my iPhone

122 home (downstairs)

This shit is so big
I should switch to a renga.
Am I right? Hello?

Sent from my iPhone

121 downstairs

This shit reminds me
Of the old Flintstones cartoon.
Bam Bam! Then Pebbles.

Sent from my iPhone

120 home (downstairs)

Happy Friday, butt!
You put in a lot of work,
So please rest a bit.

Sent from my iPhone

119 home

If loose lips sink ships,
What do loose stools do? I know:
They smell horrible.

Sent from my iPhone

118 home (downstairs)

Yesterday's calzone
Turned into an open-faced
Italian sandwich.

Sent from my iPhone

117 home (downstairs)

Yesterday

Well that slipped right out,
Like I'd oiled up my butthole.
(I swear I didn't.)

Sent from my iPhone

116 home (downstairs)

Beer tasting last night
Was fun, but did it cause this?
I hope not. It's gross.

Sent from my iPhone

115 home

Thursday 2

Guess I wasn't done.
Too bad my watch doesn't count
This as "active time."

Sent from my iPhone

114 home

Thursday 1

So many meetings.
Gotta get this one out now
Or squeeze for hours.

Sent from my iPhone

113 home

Glad I took a peak.
It helped me remember that
Our chili had corn.

Sent from my iPhone

112 home (downstairs)

The turkey chili
Gave me lots of farts. And some
Even turned solid.

Sent from my iPhone

111 home (downstairs)

Yesterday

I'm ahead of pace.
Makes sense, since 20-20
Is a shitty year.

Sent from my iPhone

110 home (downstairs)

So...that greens powder
Apparently goes right through
All of me. Quickly.

Sent from my iPhone

109 home (downstairs)

Am I allowed to
Blame the coronavirus
For these extra shits?

Sent from my iPhone

108 home (downstairs)

I'm shitting a lot.
Well, a lot for me, I guess.
Could use some days off.

Sent from my iPhone

107 home (downstairs)

It's Sunday again.
Ya know, the day God rested.
Someone tell my ass.

Sent from my iPhone

106 home (downstairs)

Not sure what happened,
But my butt screwed up somehow
And I'm STILL wiping.

Sent from my iPhone

105 home (downstairs)

The courtesy flush
Should've done a whole lot more.
Apologies, nose.

Sent from my iPhone

104 home

Quick pre-meeting shit.
Hope the actual meeting
Isn't this painful.

Sent from my iPhone

102 home (downstairs)

3 shits in 2 days.
I'm gonna blame the hot sauce,
But I hope I'm wrong.

Sent from my iPhone

102 home

Yesterday 2

That was a doozy.
So much so that it took me
A day to write this.

Sent from my iPhone

101 home (downstairs)

Yesterday 1

Didn't sleep too well.
Lots of gas pains and farting.
Isn't marriage grand?

Sent from my iPhone

100 home

The 5th of July:
My nephew Shawn's birthday and
A post-4th shitfest.

Sent from my iPhone

99 home (downstairs)

Buffalo wings plus
The 4th of July equals
Butthole fireworks.

Sent from my iPhone

98 home

Diarrhea? Why?
Ate normal stuff except for
That E. coli stew.

Sent from my iPhone

97 home (downstairs)

I miss Pilates
And my pre-Pilates dumps.
Curse you, quarantine!

Sent from my iPhone

96 home (downstairs)

Last year's 96
Was July 2nd, so my
Behind is ahead.


Sent from my iPhone

95 home (downstairs)

Well, my birthday song
Isn't very long. But my
Birthday shit sure is.

Sent from my iPhone

94 home

Just let someone go,
And now I'm letting this go.
I'm sensing a theme.

Sent from my iPhone

93 home (downstairs)

My stomach is off.
And I can't find the switch to
Turn it on again.

Sent from my iPhone

92 home (downstairs)

Both pizza and wings?
What did I think would happen?
I'm Ron Burgundy?

Sent from my iPhone

91 home (kids’ bathroom)

Yesterday

Since it's Father's Day,
I had the sudden urge to
Create something new.

Sent from my iPhone

90 home (kids’ bathroom)

Falafel became
Deconstructed falafel.
Disgusting magic!

Sent from my iPhone

89 home (downstairs)

Hump day is Dump Day!
This rhyme was brought to you by
Peter. He's sweeter.

Sent from my iPhone

88 home (downstairs)

It's Monday again,
And it's starting off shitty.
Quite literally.

Sent from my iPhone

87 home (downstairs)

That shit was dark, yo.
Dark in color, but also
Dark spiritually.

Sent from my iPhone

86 home (downstairs)

You might think Thai food
And Chipotle don't mix well.
If so, you'd be right.

Sent from my iPhone

85 home

Meeting just ended
And another one starts soon.
Shit and haiku time!

Sent from my iPhone

84 home (downstairs)

Little victories
Still count as victories. Like
Not shitting my pants.

Sent from my iPhone

83 home (downstairs)

Brought in Sugarfish
For Amber's birthday. So good.
Worth 5 of these shits.

Sent from my iPhone

82 home

Very busy day.
Glad to do this now (when not
On video calls).

Sent from my iPhone

81 home

No protests here, but
But the toilet appears to be
Looting my bowels.

Sent from my iPhone

80 home (downstairs)

I can stop saying
"Home" as the location, right?
Think that's understood.

Sent from my iPhone

79 home (downstairs)

The turkey chili
Is to blame. Because this looks
Like turkey chili.


Sent from my iPhone

78 home (downstairs)

With diarrhea,
At least there's no fear that it
Will clog the toilet.


Sent from my iPhone

77 home (downstairs)

3 days' worth of food
Makes for a whole lotta shit.
It's simple physics.

Sent from my iPhone

76 home (downstairs)

76, like
The trombones. And trombones, like
The sound my butt made.

Sent from my iPhone

75 home

I actually said,
"Jesus and the Funky Bunch"
As this shit came out.

Sent from my iPhone

74 home (downstairs)

I'm so glad I flushed
Post-shit, pre-wipe. That brief smell
Could've ended me.

Sent from my iPhone

73 home (downstairs)

This is 1 of 2.
I can tell. It's basically
Playing the front nine.

Sent from my iPhone

72 home

I'm shitting again?
Almost makes me wonder why
I bother wiping.

Sent from my iPhone

71 home (downstairs)

Post run, pre shower.
A great time to take a shit.
You should try it out.

Sent from my iPhone

70 home

Yesterday

They call it Thai food,
But this was no tie. It won,
And my asshole lost.

Sent from my iPhone

69 home (kids’ bathroom)

Thankful it's Friday.
Lots of work, but my butt is
Already relaxed.

Sent from my iPhone

68 home

El seis de mayo,
The day when enchiladas
Reappear unrolled.


Sent from my iPhone

67 home

It's Tuesday shit time,
But today, it has flavor.
¡Cinco de Mayo!

Sent from my iPhone

66 home (downstairs)

In Mario Kart,
They should add shit you can toss.
Just a suggestion.


Sent from my iPhone

65 home (downstairs)

Hey, sunflower seeds!
I really thought I chewed you,
But it appears not.

Sent from my iPhone

64 home

Man. Three flushes and
Cracked the window afterwards.
Kind of impressive.

Sent from my iPhone

63 home (downstairs)

Hey, fuck you, Sunday.
You didn't say goodbye and
Stuck me with this bitch.

Sent from my iPhone

62 home (kids’ bathroom)

Another shit? Man!
Guess I can't branch out food-wise
While quarantining.

Sent from my iPhone

61 home (kids’ bathroom)

I'm shitting a lot.
Guess my stomach can't handle
Indian food yet.


Sent from my iPhone

60 home

As this shit came out,
I said, "Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck." All those Us yet
Just one syllable.

Sent from my iPhone

59 home

I have ten minutes
Before my next meeting starts.
Shit like the wind, man!

Sent from my iPhone

58 home ( kids’ bathroom)

Happy 4-20.
I just rolled a fat one and
It's hella dank, yo.

Sent from my iPhone

57 home (kids’ bathroom)

I'm proud of this one.
Textbook size, shape, and color.
A blue ribbon shit.

Sent from my iPhone

56 home (downstairs)

Ah yes, there it is.
That for sure counts as a shit.
And yet, I'll be back.

Sent from my iPhone

55 home (downstairs)

A chicken nugget
Worth of shit. But it came out,
And so I count it.

Sent from my iPhone

54 home

Stores are shutting down
And most restaurants are closed.
My butt's still open!

Sent from my iPhone

53 home

In between meetings,
So just time for a quick shit.
Not much wiping - phew!

Sent from my iPhone

52 home (downstairs)

I cut my run short
To take this shit. I guess the
Jostling won out.

Sent from my iPhone

51 home (kids’ bathroom)

When will my next shit
Take place outside of my home?
August? September?

Sent from my iPhone

50 home (kids’ bathroom)

Last year, shit 50
Was April 4th. I'm so close,
Even with Leap Day.

Sent from my iPhone

49 home (downstairs)

I guess it's assumed
That these shits will be at home,
But thanks, Subject Line.


Sent from my iPhone

48 home

Yesterday

This one took some work.
I succeeded in the end,
But I need a nap.

Sent from my iPhone

47 home

Still in quarantine,
But my shit's able to go
On a water slide.

Sent from my iPhone

46 home (downstairs)

Hope that stops the farts,
'Cause they were nasty as fuck.
Well, nasty as shit.

Sent from my iPhone

45 home (downstairs)

On the 7th day,
He rested. On the toilet.
And he shat a lot.

Sent from my iPhone

44 home (downstairs)

My 3/4 birthday,
And I'm celebrating by
Shitting and wiping.

Sent from my iPhone

43 home (downstairs)

What day is today?
This lockdown's messing me up.
Oh that's right - Turdsday

Sent from my iPhone

42 home (kids’ bathroom)

Want to be shitty
At both work and parenting?
Try quarantining!

Sent from my iPhone

41 home (downstairs)

My butt exploded.
Caught me off guard, so the kids
Might've heard me scream.

Sent from my iPhone

40 home

I'm working from home,
And so are my intestines.
It's like we planned it.

Sent from my iPhone

39 home (downstairs)

Even my shit is
Practicing its version of
Social distancing.

Sent from my iPhone

38 home (downstairs)

Well well, Chipotle.
You braved my intestines, but
Now you are vanquished.

Sent from my iPhone

37 home (downstairs)

Carly's still asleep,
But my ass is wide awake.
(Emphasis on "wide")

Sent from my iPhone

36 home

It just keeps coming,
Like tickets after hitting
An arcade jackpot.

Sent from my iPhone

35 home

Just for the record,
Buffalo cauliflower
Is gross coming out.

Sent from my iPhone

34 home (downstairs)

It's Super Tuesday,
Which rhymes with Super PoosDay.
I'm doing my part.

Sent from my iPhone

33 home (downstairs)

Yesterday

Gas pains morphed into
Mountains of shit. Now the pain
Is just in my nose.

Sent from my iPhone

32 home (downstairs)

The shredded chicken
Looks to have remained shredded.
Let's remember that.

Sent from my iPhone

31 home (kids’ bathroom)

My butt doesn't know
That I don't have Pilates,
So it does its thing.

Sent from my iPhone

30 home (downstairs)

Staples Center food
Made me wish that my butt were
Somehow stapled shut.

Sent from my iPhone

29 home (downstairs)

Had to rush back home
For an emergency stop.
Cut it way too close.

Sent from my iPhone

28 home (downstairs)

Made pizza last night.
Now I'm making something else.
No oven this time.

Sent from my iPhone

27 home (downstairs)

Make up your mind, shit.
First you're all like, "Let me out!"
But now I'm pushing.

Sent from my iPhone

26 home

Friday

It's Valentine's Day!
So that explains why there's some
Red in the toilet.


Sent from my iPhone

25 home (kids’ bathroom)

Pilates time soon!
Gotta get the lead out, and
By lead, I mean shit.

Sent from my iPhone

24 home

Saw Cirque du Soleil.
Sure, it's impressive. But they
Can't get this stinky.

Sent from my iPhone

23 home (kids’ bathroom)

Sunday

On the 7th day,
My ass rested. But the hole
Worked some overtime.

Sent from my iPhone

22 home (downstairs)

Friday

This was a classic
"Cork and bottle" dump session.
Solid, then liquid.

Sent from my iPhone

21 home (downstairs)

Pilates will hurt.
I'll be a few pounds lighter,
So at least there's that.

Sent from my iPhone

20 home (downstairs)

Superbowl's today,
So I just changed my toilet
To a Pooperbowl.

Sent from my iPhone

19 SLC hotel

Room service showed up!
Now I can release all this
Expensive sushi.

Sent from my iPhone

18 SLC hotel

Yesterday

Fucking room service
Never showed up. This shit
Waited for nothing.

Sent from my iPhone

17 home (downstairs)

Leaving for Utah
Tomorrow morning. Gotta
Drop a few pounds first.

Sent from my iPhone

16 home (downstairs)

I just remembered
That I had spicy chicken.
Well, my butt told me.

Sent from my iPhone

15 home

Ok, that's enough.
I shouldn't be yearning for
Solid shit pieces.

Sent from my iPhone

14 home

Like bad tv plots,
This shit of mine is barely
Holding together.

Sent from my iPhone

13 home (downstairs)

It's MLK Day.
That's all. Just pointing that out.
Ok then. Bye now.

Sent from my iPhone

12 home (kids’ bathroom)

Slightly more solid,
So that's a good sign. Liquid
Is urine's domain.

Sent from my iPhone

11 home (downstairs)

Oh come on, stomach.
Get your shit together please.
Yes, literally.

Sent from my iPhone

10 home (downstairs)

Stomach is still off.
Hope Pilates doesn't have
Any errant squirts.

Sent from my iPhone

9 home (kids’ bathroom)

Diarrhea hits
Four senses in a bad way.
Glad taste is left out.

Sent from my iPhone

8 home

It's distracting when
My kids are fighting downstairs.
But I'll keep shitting.

Sent from my iPhone

7 home

Big, smelly, and gross.
Now that's how you take a shit.
Yesterday, take note.

Sent from my iPhone

6 home

Yesterday

This one hardly counts,
But I technically shat so
The rules are the rules.

Sent from my iPhone

5 home (downstairs)

About to shower,
And that's a good thing, 'cause this...
Ya know, never mind.

Sent from my iPhone

4 home (downstairs)

Now that's more like it.
Shitting every day wasn't
Very "me," ya know?

Sent from my iPhone

3 home (kids’ bathroom)

3 shits in 3 days!
If my math is right, that means...
50,000 shits!

Sent from my iPhone

2 home (downstairs)

Hey - I'm 2 for 2!
Going #2, that is.
(Wearing a tutu.)

Sent from my iPhone

1 home (downstairs)

Time-traveling shit!
This one came all the way from
2019!

Sent from my iPhone