182 home (kids’ bathroom)

Ok, now we're done.
Not ending with a bang, but
More of a splatter.

Sent from my iPhone

181 home (downstairs)

Last shit of '19?
Or the penultimate shit?
Either way, bravo.

Sent from my iPhone

180 home (kids’ bathroom)

Happy birthday, Dad!
Look, I know it's not much, but...
I made you something.

Sent from my iPhone

179 home (kids’ bathroom)

A very long shit
Right after Christmas. Guess it's...
A yule log. Hey-o!

Sent from my iPhone

178 home (downstairs)

That schnitzel gave me
Some nasty shitzels. Not great,
But you get it, right?

Sent from my iPhone

177 home (downstairs)

Kids' winter show day!
Can't wait to hear all about
Candles and latkes.

Sent from my iPhone

176 kids’ bathroom

Yesterday

Shitty day at work.
I hope that this purging will
Turn some things around.

Sent from my iPhone

175 home (kids’ bathroom)

Before our off-site,
I thought I'd off-load. This shit.
In case that's not clear.

Sent from my iPhone

174 home (kids’ bathroom)

Oh my god, you guys!
Unlike the play last night, this
Is Legally Brown.

Sent from my iPhone

173 home

I actually said,
"Oh yeah" aloud as I shat.
No fist pumping though.

Sent from my iPhone

172 home

Like a cutter from
Mariano Rivera,
This shit is heavy.

Sent from my iPhone

171 home

Yesterday

The kids eat breakfast
While I do the opposite:
Un-eat my dinner.

Sent from my iPhone

170 home

Amber's work party
Served little turkey meatballs.
Hello again, friends.

Sent from my iPhone

169 home

I'm feeling bloated,
So I just unloaded. Hey -
Those words rhyme! Moded.

Sent from my iPhone

168 home (downstairs)

Again, the thought of
Pilates makes my ass go,
"Let's clear this place out!"

Sent from my iPhone

167 home (downstairs)

Would love to stay home.
Too much shit at work, and not
The "out your ass" kind.

Sent from my iPhone

166 home (downstairs)

How did this come out?
Per Lionel Richie: Easy,
Like Sunday morning.

Sent from my iPhone

165 home (downstairs)

Happy Brown Friday!
What's that you say? Black Friday?
(Looks down) Nope, all brown.

Sent from my iPhone

164 home (downstairs)

Wednesday

I'll eat my weight in
Korean barbecue, so
Look out, everyone.

Sent from my iPhone

163 home (kids’ bathroom)

Back from Trader Joe's.
Unloaded the car, and now
Unloading my ass.

Sent from my iPhone

162 home

Yesterday

This shit reminds me
Of a movie, because it's
Fast and Furious.

Sent from my iPhone

161 (kids’ bathroom)

Felt this one coming
Mid-parent/teacher conference.
And yet I waited.

Sent from my iPhone

160 home (downstairs)

Got back from Utah,
And I brought a shit made of
Bourbon bread pudding.

Sent from my iPhone

159 home (kids’ bathroom)

That was unpleasant.
Better here than at work though,
Reputation-wise.

Sent from my iPhone

158 home

Back home from Vegas,
And my butt made a new game.
Brownjack slot pai ow.

Sent from my iPhone

157 Vegas (Park MGM conference center)

Drank a lot last night,
And tonight's plan is the same.
Except I'll weigh less.

Sent from my iPhone

156 home (kids’ bathroom)

Pre-Pilates Dump
Is now PPD. Happens
Enough to earn that.

Sent from my iPhone

155 home (kids’ bathroom)

Loud stomach rumbles
Are now brown stomach crumbles.
Eh, not great, but still.

Sent from my iPhone

154 home (downstairs)

So gassy last night
That I'm almost surprised this
Took a solid form.

Sent from my iPhone

153 home (downstairs)

Middle Eastern food
Made my stomach as peaceful
As that whole region.

Sent from my iPhone

152 home (downstairs)

My dearest Monday,
Can you be less punctual
And come one day late?

Sent from my iPhone

151 home

Those empanadas
Smell a lot worse now. Wish they
Could close up again.

Sent from my iPhone

150 home (kids’ bathroom)

Glad I count "sessions."
Each individual shit
Would be too...fuzzy.

Sent from my iPhone

149 home (downstairs)

Is there a name for
Fast and awkward waddling?
'Cause I just did that.

Sent from my iPhone

148 home (downstairs)

This shit was based on
The food I ate yesterday.
I mean, loosely based.

Sent from my iPhone

147 home

Dreading tomorrow.
Have to fire someone, which,
Like this, is shitty.

Sent from my iPhone

146 home (downstairs)

That short rib taco
Is now a long ass caca.
Sorry, that was bad.

Sent from my iPhone

145 home

I've said it before,
But after food at The Stand,
I have to The Sit.

Sent from my iPhone

144 home (downstairs)

No wife for 5 days.
I can stink up the bathroom
With impunity.

Sent from my iPhone

143 home

It's Columbus Day,
And in the murky waters,
My shit has set sail.

Sent from my iPhone

142 home (downstairs)

When I leaned forward,
A bunch more came out. Movement
Led to more...movement.

Sent from my iPhone

141 home (downstairs)

The answer is yes
To one of life's big questions:
Can a butthole sweat?

Sent from my iPhone

140 home (kids’ bathroom)

That was a doozy.
In French, I guess you could say
It was a "deux-sy."

Sent from my iPhone

139 home

Starting the work week
By shedding some weekend weight.
Order is restored.

Sent from my iPhone

138 Art Class

(Saturday)

Oktoberfest lunch
Proved that sausages and beers
Are poop producers.

Sent from my iPhone

137 home

Not sure if that shit
"Flew" or "shot" out of my ass.
Hey...flew...shot...flu shot!

Sent from my iPhone

136 home (kids’ bathroom)

On Rosh Hashanah,
The challah is round. My shit
Is still a log though.

Sent from my iPhone

135 home

Mason's soccer game
Is coming up, so I pulled
My anal goalie.

Sent from my iPhone

134 home (downstairs)

The worst time to shit?
In my opinion, it's right
After you shower.


Sent from my iPhone

133 home

The Jewish retreat
Was fun, and I didn't shit.
Let us say, "Amen."

Sent from my iPhone

132 home

I learned something new:
Despite the peach fuzz, my butt
Is a baritone.

Sent from my iPhone

131 home (downstairs)

Haven't shat at work
In over 4 months. So home...
Is where the shart is?

Sent from my iPhone

130 home

My nose has a cold
But my asshole seems to have
A warm. Or luke warm.


Sent from my iPhone

129 home (downstairs)

I'm glad I can't smell.
That benefit of a cold
Is almost worth it.


Sent from my iPhone

128 home

It's 2 for Tuesday!
"But you just shat once," you say.
Yeah, but 2 pounds' worth.

Sent from my iPhone

127 home (downstairs)

Monday

Starting the work week
With a few exercises.
(Butt exercises.)

Sent from my iPhone

126 home

There's nothing like some
Old fashioned diarrhea
To kick off the day.

Sent from my iPhone

125 home

As my shit came out,
A thought stuck me: Do I say
Hello or Goodbye?

Sent from my iPhone

124 home (kids’ bathroom)

That log was so big,
It almost touched my butthole
Post-separation.

Sent from my iPhone

123 home (kids’ bathroom)

Pre-Labor Day shit.
It was labor intensive.
Guess I'm just early.

Sent from my iPhone

122 home (kids’ bathroom)

Felt this one last night
But had to wait until now.
Can't rush perfection.

Sent from my iPhone

121 home (downstairs)

Judging by the blood,
It's clear that turd was too wide
For my poor anus.

Sent from my iPhone

120 home

Monday

Busy day at work,
So glad I'm getting this out
Before all that shit.

Sent from my iPhone

119 home

Friday

Back home from Utah
And pooping out its cuisine.
It traveled for free.

Sent from my iPhone

118 SLC hotel

Pre-Romney speech shit.
Think it's a bad omen that
I clogged the toilet?


Sent from my iPhone

117 big bear cabin

That shit kept going,
Clear out of the water and
Almost to the seat.

Sent from my iPhone

116 Big Bear cabin

Horseback riding then
Alpine slide riding equals
Feces jostled free.

Sent from my iPhone

115 home

The fuck did I eat?
Jesus. Whatever it was,
It fucking hates me.

Sent from my iPhone

114 home (downstairs)

The white toilet's for
Immediate unloading
Only. And farting.


Sent from my iPhone

113 Ojai hotel

Ojai Valley Inn?
More like Ojai Valley Out,
Am I right, fellas?

Sent from my iPhone

112 home (downstairs)

More burgers and dogs.
You'd think I'd remember that
It turns into...this.

Sent from my iPhone

111 home (kids’ bathroom)

Yesterday

This weekend's theme is
Pool Party. The backyard kind,
And the toilet one.

Sent from my iPhone

110 home (kids’ bathroom)

To describe this shit,
"Wider than my anus" is
Pretty accurate.

Sent from my iPhone

109 home

Honest, officer,
The sub sandwich went in as
Only six inches.

Sent from my iPhone

108 home (kids’ bathroom)

Fuck yeah, finally!
Been dropping putrid fart bombs
For a few days now.

Sent from my iPhone

107 Memphis hotel room

Those baby back ribs
Fell right off the bone, and then
Right out of my ass.

Sent from my iPhone

106 home (kids’ bathroom)

My cousin's wedding
Was gorgeous. The aftermath...
Well, not so gorgeous.

Sent from my iPhone

105 home (kids’ bathroom)

Had Israeli food,
And I'm sad my shit doesn't
Look like falafel.

Sent from my iPhone

104 home

I just flushed away
The Manute Bol of feces.
Dark and verrrrry long.

Sent from my iPhone

103 home (downstairs)

3 and a half days.
I can tell because my shit
Weighs 10.5 pounds.

Sent from my iPhone

102 home

Getting a massage,
But only after I get
These shits and farts out.

Sent from my iPhone

101 home (downstairs)

Today, July 8th,
I vow to avoid eating
Burgers and hot dogs.

Sent from my iPhone

100 home

Number 100!
I'm celebrating it with...
Diarrhea! Yay!

Sent from my iPhone

99 home (downstairs)

I've said it before,
But I bet this would hurt more
If those wings had bones.

Sent from my iPhone

98 home (kids’ bathroom)

A burger, two dogs,
Three beers, plus lots of dessert
Equals ALL. THIS. SHIT.

Sent from my iPhone

97 home (downstairs)

The 5th of July
But I'm making fireworks
Inside the toilet.

Sent from my iPhone

96 home (kids’ bathroom)

My anus is like
A bad pastry chef who just
Learned to pipe frosting.


Sent from my iPhone

95 home

Trader Joe's run? Check.
Stuff ready for art class? Check.
Smelly dump? Check mate.

Sent from my iPhone

94 home (kids’ bathroom)

I'm 42 now,
Yet I'm shitting just the same.
How disappointing.

Sent from my iPhone

93 cruise ship stateroom

From Wednesday

Isn't that fitting?
I just finished eating a
Melting chocolate cake.

Sent from my iPhone

92 cruise ship stateroom

From Tuesday

The ship creates waves
In the ocean, and my shit
Does in the toilet.

Sent from my iPhone

91 home (downstairs)

A quick morning dump
Before getting the kids up.
Priorities, man.

Sent from my iPhone

90 home (kids’ bathroom)

That business class food
Was fancier than normal,
But still turns to shit.

Sent from my iPhone

89 NYC hotel

Pre-meeting dumpage.
Hope the bankers approve of
My emptied bowels.

Sent from my iPhone

88 home (downstairs)

A Father's Day dump!
Might need to go more later.
Ya know, I have twins.

Sent from my iPhone

87 home (kids’ bathroom)

Remember the ride
"The Log Jammer"? It's like that,
Except shittier.

Sent from my iPhone

86 home (kids’ bathroom)

Dark and long again.
This is becoming a theme.
Kills the suspense though.

Sent from my iPhone

85 home (kids’ bathroom)

Day 2 of the cleanse.
I just made a long, dark log.
I'll assume that's fine.

Sent from my iPhone

84 home (kids’ bathroom)

Day 1 of the cleanse.
This shit helps with the weight loss
Part of the diet.

Sent from my iPhone

--


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intended only for the use of the individual or entity to whom it is
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83 home (downstairs)

Cleanse starts tomorrow.
A little concerned that I'll
Shit all me brains out.

Sent from my iPhone
--


*CONFIDENTIALITY NOTICE*

This message is confidential information
intended only for the use of the individual or entity to whom it is
directed. If the reader of this message is not the intended recipient or
the employee or agent responsible to deliver it to the intended recipient,
then you are hereby notified that any dissemination, distribution,
printing, forwarding, or copying of this communication is strictly
prohibited. If you have received this e-mail in error, please notify the
sender immediately

82 home (downstairs)

It's Amber's birthday!
That has nothing to do with
This dump. Not a thing.

Sent from my iPhone

81 home

The shits keep coming!
This one's like a symphony
With lots of movements.

Sent from my iPhone

80 work

My call was cancelled,
Which is great: now I can shit.
Things are looking up.

Sent from my iPhone

79 home

Three days in New York
And zero shits. Big Apple
Yielded No Crapple.

Sent from my iPhone

78 home (downstairs)

I took a Red Eye,
And now I have a Brown Eye
Blinking out some shit.

Sent from my iPhone

77 home (downstairs)

SB yesterday
And NYC tomorrow.
Grosspoopsville today.

Sent from my iPhone

76 home (kids’ bathroom)

Thank you, McDonalds.
I'd almost forgotten what
Nasty shit smelled like.

Sent from my iPhone

75 home

What sounds, O Stomach!
Harbinger of pending doom
Or mere digestion?

Sent from my iPhone

74 home (kids’ bathroom)

Note to self: don't eat
Buffalo chicken fries. Please.
Because this happens.

Sent from my iPhone

73 home (downstairs)

That beef blend burger
Tasted good, but now it's a
Beef blend turd burger.

Sent from my iPhone

72 home

Yesterday

I thought I was done,
But here I am with more shit.
I'm so talented.


Sent from my iPhone

71 home (kids’ bathroom)

Yesterday

It's Wednesday morning,
Which apparently now means
That shits are coming.

Sent from my iPhone

70 home (kids’ bathroom)

My stomach calmed down.
I won't be eating chili
For a little while.

Sent from my iPhone

69 home (downstairs)

I like fajitas,
But smelling them again is
Gilding the lily.

Sent from my iPhone

68 home (kids’ bathroom)

Pre-Pilates shit.
Almost as regular as
Post-Pilates aches.

Sent from my iPhone

67 work

I broke the toilet,
But just temporarily.
Thank you, double flush.

Sent from my iPhone

66 home (kids’ bathroom)

This shit was heavy.
Not in weight, per se, but more
Like a period.

Sent from my iPhone

65 home (kids’ bathroom)

Thankfully back home.
Much better than on the plane
Or in the car here.

Sent from my iPhone

64 SLC hotel

Tuesday

Oh yippee, more blood.
You know it's a sad day when
I hope for "just shit."


Sent from my iPhone

63 SLC hotel

Monday

I'm making some room
For sushi, beer, and sake.
Lots and lots of room.


Sent from my iPhone

62 home

That didn't feel good,
And I'll be in Utah soon.
It's their problem now.

Sent from my iPhone

61 home (downstairs)

Stopped myself early
Because the kids needed food.
But oh - I'll be back.

Sent from my iPhone

60 home (downstairs)

Wednesday

I'm writing this late
Because I finally stopped
Wiping my asshole.

Sent from my iPhone

59 home (kids’ bathroom)

It's called Good Friday,
Ain't nothing good about this.
Thanks a lot, Jesus?

Sent from my iPhone

58 home

Yesterday

My stomach still hurts,
But hopefully it's not the
Thing that Carly had.

Sent from my iPhone

57 home

Saw the Grand Canyon
And I think I could fill it
With this massive dump.

Sent from my iPhone

56 Sedona Airbnb

Gorgeous red mountains
Poetically juxtaposed
With nasty brown ones.

Sent from my iPhone

Could be a solution

http://bottom.shelbywrapsit.com

Paul Klein

 

55 home (kids’ bathroom)

New underwear on.
It would be a shame if I
Ruined them already.

Sent from my iPhone

54 home (kids’ bathroom)

Second nasty shit
In just a handful of hours.
Maybe two handfuls.

Sent from my iPhone

53 home (downstairs)

My butt was jealous
That the kids has Open House,
So it followed suit.

Sent from my iPhone

52 home

Like a deck of cards,
I'm at 52, and my
Food is all shuffled.

Sent from my iPhone

51 home (kids’ bathroom)

Hey pepperoni,
Where's my thanks for getting you
Back into one log?

Sent from my iPhone

50 home (kids’ bathroom)

Remember "Contra"
And the "spread" machine gun? Well...
My butt just did that.

Sent from my iPhone

49 home

My boy has a cold.
Meanwhile, my rectal region
Is having a hot.

Sent from my iPhone

48 home

Yesterday

I have 9 year olds!
In related news, my butt
Said "Nein!" to that food.

Sent from my iPhone

47 home

My stomach's just fine,
And my butthole's not bleeding.
That's right - April Fools!

Sent from my iPhone

You will like it

Only few in stock http://four.alaskanargoatvadventures.com

 

 

Paul Klein

 

46 home (kids’ bathroom)

I had Chipotle,
And it was yummy enough
That I'm fine with this.


Sent from my iPhone

45 home

Pilates, again,
Has jostled my insides and
Shook free some feces.

Sent from my iPhone

44 home (kids’ bathroom)

I see benefits
To shaving one's butthole hairs.
I clearly see them.

Sent from my iPhone

43 home

Yesterday

Chicken chorizo
Looks like chicken chorizo
On the way out too.

Sent from my iPhone

Get it before it's sold out

It's great http://system.riflescopesandmore.com

 

 

Paul Klein

 

42 home

It's March 21st!
The anniversary of
Something not shitty.

Sent from my iPhone

42 home

Well, hearty chili,
You've outdone yourself this time.
Way to make your mark.

Sent from my iPhone

41 home

Number 41!
Just like my age (and a great
Dave Matthews Band song).

Sent from my iPhone

40 home

It had been a while,
Which is evident by the
Shitload of shit, bro.

Sent from my iPhone

39 home

That dump came on fast,
And yet, I made it on time.
Hero status - check!

Sent from my iPhone

38 work

Yesterday

Guess I wasn't done.
Stinking up both home and work?
I'm so talented.

Sent from my iPhone

37 home (downstairs)

Yesterday

The bread is toasting,
But I nearly shit my pants.
I prioritized.

Sent from my iPhone

36 home

Pre-baseball game dump.
I'm preparing by squatting
Like Johnny Bench did.

Sent from my iPhone

35 home

The dog is barking,
And my butt kinda is too.
But maybe louder.

Sent from my iPhone

34 home

Yesterday

Glad I got this out
Before the Pilates class.
Could've been messy.

Sent from my iPhone

33 home

That courtesy flush
Really struggled. I'm worried
About the next one(s).

Sent from my iPhone

32 home (kids’ bathroom)

I misjudged a wipe
And got shit on my finger.
I'm a grown ass man.

Sent from my iPhone

31 home (kids’ bathroom)

Cannelloni beans
Had my butt sounding like a
Go-kart breaking down.

Sent from my iPhone

30 home (kids’ bathroom)

I'm glad the brisket
Was tender, and not just for
The eating process.

Sent from my iPhone

29 home (kids’ bathroom)

First shit in five days!
No wonder it was so big.
Uh...that's what she said?

Sent from my iPhone

28 home (kids’ bathroom)

It's Presidents' Day,
And I'm celebrating with
A President Dump.

Sent from my iPhone

27 home (downstairs)

Starting the weekend
Off with a bang. Actually,
It's more like a plop.

Sent from my iPhone

26 home (kids’ bathroom)

Yesterday

For Valentine's Day,
I got the toilet this gift.
(Note the hint of red.)

Sent from my iPhone

25 home

That Pilates class
Really jostled this shit loose.
I guess I'm...reformed?

Sent from my iPhone

24 home (kids’ bathroom)

Stomach was hurting,
But expelling this grossness
Should hopefully help.


Sent from my iPhone

23 work

Yesterday

Very busy day.
Grateful I found the time to
Drop off this huge load.

Sent from my iPhone

22 work (downstairs)

Tuesday

New Squatty Potty
Makes work shitting a wee bit
I don't know...smoother?


Sent from my iPhone

21 home (kids’ bathroom)

Superbowl Sunday!
There's nothing super about
This toilet bowl though.

Sent from my iPhone

20 home (downstairs)

They call it Wing Stop
But that food just wing started
Some diarrhea.

Sent from my iPhone

19 home (downstairs)

Why hello, ground beef.
Looks like you took a brief tour
Of my intestines.

Sent from my iPhone

18 home (kids’ bathroom)

Day trip to SB.
We visited the funk zone.
Making my own now.

Sent from my iPhone

17 home

Home with a sick girl.
She'd be even worse off if
She smelled this bathroom.

Sent from my iPhone

16 home (kids’ bathroom)

"I might have to shit"
Turned to "Get out of my way!"
In a split second.

Sent from my iPhone

15 home

Back from the mountains
And I brought a souvenir:
A mountain of shit.

Sent from my iPhone

14 big bear cabin

Before heading home
I needed to leave my boss
This gift I made him.

Sent from my iPhone

13 home

Back home, same result.
What happened to my stomach?
Do Mormons do this?

Sent from my iPhone

12 SLC hotel

I'm shitting again?
Got to get out of Utah
Or I'll disappear.

Sent from my iPhone

12 SLC hotel

Dave and Buster's food
For lunch and dinner. My butt
Doesn't like this game.

Sent from my iPhone

11 SLC hotel

Drank too much last night.
So now my head and my ass
Throw in unison.

Sent from my iPhone

10 home (kids’ bathroom)

Off to a haircut,
But first, let's get my ass hairs
All super nasty.

Sent from my iPhone

9 home

Little shit pieces
Is really fitting since I
Ate dumplings last night.

Sent from my iPhone

8 work (downstairs)

I wish those tacos
Still smelled like tacos and not
Whatever this is.

Sent from my iPhone

7 home

This pace is crazy.
7 in 10 days? My ass
And hole are confused.

Sent from my iPhone

6 home (downstairs)

Poor enchilada.
You had been so nearly wrapped.
But now? Not so much.

Sent from my iPhone

5 work (downstairs)

(Yesterday)

Needed three flushes.
That's roughly one for every
Metric ton of shit.

Sent from my iPhone

4 home (downstairs)

Ate at The Yardhouse
And now I think I produced
A full yard of shit.

Sent from my iPhone

3 home

3 days in a row!
This is now quite this shit streak.
Uh...bad choice of words.

Sent from my iPhone

2 work (downstairs)

Already on pace
To double last year's number.
Oops, I mean "output."

Sent from my iPhone

1 home (kids’ bathroom)

2019
So far seems just like '18
In that I'm shitting.


Sent from my iPhone