Hope I got two more
So the poop ratio is
1 every 2 days.
Sent from my iPhone
Sunday, December 30, 2018
Saturday, December 29, 2018
179 home (kids’ bathroom)
Carly's got art class
But I could teach a fart class.
Upper division.
Sent from my iPhone
But I could teach a fart class.
Upper division.
Sent from my iPhone
178 work
Yesterday
It's my dad's birthday,
And I'm fathering this shit.
Circle of life, yo.
Sent from my iPhone
It's my dad's birthday,
And I'm fathering this shit.
Circle of life, yo.
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, December 27, 2018
177 work
This should count as 2.
That's still just half the number
Of toilet flushes.
Sent from my iPhone
That's still just half the number
Of toilet flushes.
Sent from my iPhone
Monday, December 24, 2018
176 work (downstairs)
It didn't get clogged?
I'd say "Christmas miracle"
But that's tomorrow.
Sent from my iPhone
I'd say "Christmas miracle"
But that's tomorrow.
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, December 20, 2018
175 home (kids’ bathroom)
Upon wiping, I
Expected to just see brown
But got red. Surprise!
Sent from my iPhone
Expected to just see brown
But got red. Surprise!
Sent from my iPhone
Monday, December 17, 2018
Friday, December 14, 2018
173 home (kids’ bathroom)
I made a mistake
And had Taco Bell for lunch.
This is my penance.
Sent from my iPhone
And had Taco Bell for lunch.
This is my penance.
Sent from my iPhone
172 home (kids’ bathroom)
Yesterday
I guess my body
Didn't want the nutrients
From all this brown mush.
Sent from my iPhone
I guess my body
Didn't want the nutrients
From all this brown mush.
Sent from my iPhone
Monday, December 10, 2018
Friday, December 7, 2018
170 home
Just like the trial
This is dragging on and on.
But this smells much worse.
Sent from my iPhone
This is dragging on and on.
But this smells much worse.
Sent from my iPhone
Wednesday, December 5, 2018
169 home (kids’ bathroom)
Back to the courthouse.
I'm preparing by sitting
And dealing with shit.
Sent from my iPhone
I'm preparing by sitting
And dealing with shit.
Sent from my iPhone
Tuesday, December 4, 2018
168 home
I think I'm good now.
Stomach was off a few days,
But that shit be gone.
Sent from my iPhone
Stomach was off a few days,
But that shit be gone.
Sent from my iPhone
Monday, December 3, 2018
167 Van Nuys courthouse
Wait, what? You shit where?
That should tell you all about
How great the urge was.
Sent from my iPhone
That should tell you all about
How great the urge was.
Sent from my iPhone
166 home (downstairs)
Glad I got this out
Because nobody likes a
Stinky juror box.
Sent from my iPhone
Because nobody likes a
Stinky juror box.
Sent from my iPhone
Sunday, December 2, 2018
Friday, November 30, 2018
Wednesday, November 28, 2018
164 home (kids’ bathroom)
Ugh, jury duty
After dropping this kids off.
The real kids, that is.
Sent from my iPhone
After dropping this kids off.
The real kids, that is.
Sent from my iPhone
Sunday, November 25, 2018
Thursday, November 22, 2018
161 home (downstairs)
Happy Thanksgiving!
So much to be thankful for,
Like indoor plumbing.
Sent from my iPhone
So much to be thankful for,
Like indoor plumbing.
Sent from my iPhone
Friday, November 16, 2018
Tuesday, November 13, 2018
159 home (downstairs)
4 days between shits.
You can tell by the volume.
Oh, and the volume.
Sent from my iPhone
You can tell by the volume.
Oh, and the volume.
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, November 8, 2018
157 home (kids’ bathroom)
Wednesday
A triple flusher!
Based on yesterday, I could
Poop for the cycle.
Sent from my iPhone
A triple flusher!
Based on yesterday, I could
Poop for the cycle.
Sent from my iPhone
156 home (kids’ bathroom)
Tuesday
I got distracted
By playing Bricks and Balls, so
This is late. My bad.
Sent from my iPhone
I got distracted
By playing Bricks and Balls, so
This is late. My bad.
Sent from my iPhone
Sunday, November 4, 2018
Saturday, November 3, 2018
Thursday, November 1, 2018
154 home (kids’ bathroom)
Post-Halloween shit
Has hollowed out my insides
Jack-O'Lantern-esque.
Sent from my iPhone
Has hollowed out my insides
Jack-O'Lantern-esque.
Sent from my iPhone
Wednesday, October 31, 2018
153 home (kids’ bathroom)
Happy Halloween!
My butt dressed as an old peach
With food poisoning.
Sent from my iPhone
My butt dressed as an old peach
With food poisoning.
Sent from my iPhone
152 home (kids’ bathroom)
10/30/18
Note to self: Don't eat
The food you ate yesterday.
Whatever that was.
Sent from my iPhone
Note to self: Don't eat
The food you ate yesterday.
Whatever that was.
Sent from my iPhone
151 NYC hotel
10/27/18
Shitting my brains out
Right before Scotty's wedding
In the Big Crapple!
Sent from my iPhone
Shitting my brains out
Right before Scotty's wedding
In the Big Crapple!
Sent from my iPhone
Tuesday, October 23, 2018
150 work (downstairs)
This is a gross one.
Maybe three types of salsa
Is one too many.
Sent from my iPhone
Maybe three types of salsa
Is one too many.
Sent from my iPhone
Saturday, October 20, 2018
149 home
Jury duty then
A night of poker. That's new.
My butt's like, "What's up?"
Sent from my iPhone
A night of poker. That's new.
My butt's like, "What's up?"
Sent from my iPhone
Friday, October 19, 2018
148 work (downstairs)
Then there was this one.
Hints of coffee, orange chicken,
And fecal matter.
Sent from my iPhone
Hints of coffee, orange chicken,
And fecal matter.
Sent from my iPhone
Tuesday, October 16, 2018
146 home (kids’ bathroom)
I think my butthole
And my mouth-hole just made the
Same weird grunting sound.
Sent from my iPhone
And my mouth-hole just made the
Same weird grunting sound.
Sent from my iPhone
Sunday, October 14, 2018
145 home (downstairs)
That came on quickly.
Makes sense, since the food was from
A surprise party.
Sent from my iPhone
Makes sense, since the food was from
A surprise party.
Sent from my iPhone
Friday, October 12, 2018
144 work (yesterday)
My day's pretty packed,
But I guess my shit isn't
(Judging by the sound).
Sent from my iPhone
But I guess my shit isn't
(Judging by the sound).
Sent from my iPhone
Tuesday, October 9, 2018
143 NYC hotel
The subways smell good
Compared to what I'm making.
You're welcome, New York.
Sent from my iPhone
Compared to what I'm making.
You're welcome, New York.
Sent from my iPhone
Saturday, October 6, 2018
142 home (kids’ bathroom)
Had Indian food,
But now I must say "sari"
To this poor toilet.
Sent from my iPhone
But now I must say "sari"
To this poor toilet.
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, October 4, 2018
140 home (downstairs)
Yesterday, my shit
Was memorable, yet I
Forgot to write this.
Sent from my iPhone
Was memorable, yet I
Forgot to write this.
Sent from my iPhone
Sunday, September 30, 2018
139 home (kids’ bathroom)
Before Trader Joe's,
I needed to empty my
Stomach's shopping cart.
Sent from my iPhone
I needed to empty my
Stomach's shopping cart.
Sent from my iPhone
Saturday, September 29, 2018
138 home (kids’ bathroom)
I played gin rummy,
Then I emptied my tummy.
Now I feel crummy.
Sent from my iPhone
Then I emptied my tummy.
Now I feel crummy.
Sent from my iPhone
Friday, September 28, 2018
137 home (downstairs)
I took out the trash,
Then I brought the garbage cans
Out to the front curb.
Sent from my iPhone
Then I brought the garbage cans
Out to the front curb.
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, September 27, 2018
136 home (downstairs)
That stir fry for lunch
Is now a gross morning shit.
Asians are speedy!
Sent from my iPhone
Is now a gross morning shit.
Asians are speedy!
Sent from my iPhone
Monday, September 24, 2018
Saturday, September 22, 2018
134 home (downstairs)
Soccer game later.
I'll be roaming the sidelines
A few pounds lighter.
Sent from my iPhone
I'll be roaming the sidelines
A few pounds lighter.
Sent from my iPhone
Wednesday, September 19, 2018
133 home (downstairs)
I have to atone
For the smell I created.
Hey - it's Yom Kippur!
Sent from my iPhone
For the smell I created.
Hey - it's Yom Kippur!
Sent from my iPhone
Monday, September 17, 2018
Sunday, September 16, 2018
131 home (downstairs)
Yet again, pizza
Leads to next day nasty shits.
Will I ever learn?
Sent from my iPhone
Leads to next day nasty shits.
Will I ever learn?
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, September 13, 2018
130 SLC Marriott room
So tonight's sushi
Should probably have fewer
Scorching hot peppers.
Sent from my iPhone
Should probably have fewer
Scorching hot peppers.
Sent from my iPhone
Wednesday, September 12, 2018
129 SLC Marriott room
I'm making room for
Delicious sushi and beer.
Lots of room it seems.
Sent from my iPhone
Delicious sushi and beer.
Lots of room it seems.
Sent from my iPhone
Saturday, September 8, 2018
128 home (kids’ bathroom)
Twice in one morning!
This reminds me of the time
I...I got nothing.
Sent from my iPhone
This reminds me of the time
I...I got nothing.
Sent from my iPhone
127 home (downstairs)
Played poker last night,
And came in second. So I'm
(Ahem) number 2.
Sent from my iPhone
And came in second. So I'm
(Ahem) number 2.
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, September 6, 2018
Monday, September 3, 2018
125 home
"Labor Day" is right:
I'm giving birth to five pounds
Of old-food-baby.
Sent from my iPhone
I'm giving birth to five pounds
Of old-food-baby.
Sent from my iPhone
Friday, August 31, 2018
124 work (downstairs)
Here early today,
Which I like, so I can shit
In relative peace.
Sent from my iPhone
Which I like, so I can shit
In relative peace.
Sent from my iPhone
Tuesday, August 28, 2018
Sunday, August 26, 2018
122 home (downstairs)
Dodger Dogs and beers
Were fun while watching the game,
But this...this is gross.
Sent from my iPhone
Were fun while watching the game,
But this...this is gross.
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, August 23, 2018
121 home (downstairs)
These damn narcotics
Are making me all backed up.
But sadly, not high.
Sent from my iPhone
Are making me all backed up.
But sadly, not high.
Sent from my iPhone
Monday, August 20, 2018
120 home
Glad that my bruised rib
Doesn't hurt me when I'm in
Shitting position.
Sent from my iPhone
Doesn't hurt me when I'm in
Shitting position.
Sent from my iPhone
Friday, August 17, 2018
119 home (kids’ bathroom)
That protein shake said
It had "pea protein," but this
Feels like the "poo" kind.
Sent from my iPhone
It had "pea protein," but this
Feels like the "poo" kind.
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, August 16, 2018
Wednesday, August 15, 2018
118 work (downstairs)
What type of downpour
Came storming out of my ass?
Torrential, of course.
Sent from my iPhone
Came storming out of my ass?
Torrential, of course.
Sent from my iPhone
Saturday, August 11, 2018
117 home (downstairs)
About to be coached
On coaching a soccer team.
No puns, just sharing.
Sent from my iPhone
On coaching a soccer team.
No puns, just sharing.
Sent from my iPhone
Friday, August 10, 2018
116 home (downstairs)
Had poké for lunch,
Now it's poking out my ass.
Japanglish wordplay!
Sent from my iPhone
Now it's poking out my ass.
Japanglish wordplay!
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, August 9, 2018
114 home (downstairs)
That Memphis food was
Delicious...but heavy and
Not great for my ass.
Sent from my iPhone
Delicious...but heavy and
Not great for my ass.
Sent from my iPhone
Tuesday, August 7, 2018
113 Memphis hotel room
I'm very thankful
That the crispy fried chicken
Softened up a bit.
Sent from my iPhone
That the crispy fried chicken
Softened up a bit.
Sent from my iPhone
Sunday, August 5, 2018
112 home (downstairs)
I hate wasting food,
But maybe that was too much
Seasoned taco meat.
Sent from my iPhone
But maybe that was too much
Seasoned taco meat.
Sent from my iPhone
Friday, August 3, 2018
111 home
That was fast and gross.
Then fast again and more gross.
Then slower. Still gross.
Sent from my iPhone
Then fast again and more gross.
Then slower. Still gross.
Sent from my iPhone
Monday, July 30, 2018
Saturday, July 28, 2018
109 Vegas - Planet Hollywood casino
Peeing out the butt
While someone three stalls over
Pukes loudly. Vegas!
Sent from my iPhone
While someone three stalls over
Pukes loudly. Vegas!
Sent from my iPhone
108 Vegas - Park MGM casino floor
Just lost some money,
And now I'm losing some weight.
But gaining a smell.
Sent from my iPhone
And now I'm losing some weight.
But gaining a smell.
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, July 26, 2018
107 home
Getting blood work done,
So I'm fasting this morning.
And fast-pooping too.
Sent from my iPhone
So I'm fasting this morning.
And fast-pooping too.
Sent from my iPhone
Tuesday, July 24, 2018
106 home
There is zero doubt
That this was yesterday's lunch.
Why? Sesame seeds.
Sent from my iPhone
That this was yesterday's lunch.
Why? Sesame seeds.
Sent from my iPhone
Monday, July 23, 2018
105 home (downstairs)
Yikes, a three-flusher.
And yet the smell still lingers.
That's powerful shit.
Sent from my iPhone
And yet the smell still lingers.
That's powerful shit.
Sent from my iPhone
Sunday, July 22, 2018
104 home (downstairs)
Oh hi, Ojai food.
It's good to see you again.
Welcome to L.A.
Sent from my iPhone
It's good to see you again.
Welcome to L.A.
Sent from my iPhone
Friday, July 20, 2018
103 home
Look out everyone!
Run for your lives! The stool is
Loose! The stool is loose!
Sent from my iPhone
Run for your lives! The stool is
Loose! The stool is loose!
Sent from my iPhone
Monday, July 16, 2018
Sunday, July 15, 2018
101 home (downstairs)
I courtesy-flushed
For just my own well-being.
Be kind to yourself.
Sent from my iPhone
For just my own well-being.
Be kind to yourself.
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, July 12, 2018
Tuesday, July 10, 2018
99 work (downstairs)
Ate a macaroon,
Then shit out a cannoli.
Stomach magic, yo.
Sent from my iPhone
Then shit out a cannoli.
Stomach magic, yo.
Sent from my iPhone
Sunday, July 8, 2018
Thursday, July 5, 2018
Monday, July 2, 2018
96 home
Even though I'm done,
I still have some stomach pains,
So I'll be back soon.
Sent from my iPhone
I still have some stomach pains,
So I'll be back soon.
Sent from my iPhone
Sunday, July 1, 2018
95 home
The hits keep coming!
Oh wait - I didn't mean "hits."
Shits. Sorry 'bout that.
Sent from my iPhone
Oh wait - I didn't mean "hits."
Shits. Sorry 'bout that.
Sent from my iPhone
Saturday, June 30, 2018
Thursday, June 28, 2018
Tuesday, June 26, 2018
92 home (kids’ bathroom)
Last shit of 40!
At least I hope so, because
It smelled god awful.
Sent from my iPhone
At least I hope so, because
It smelled god awful.
Sent from my iPhone
Monday, June 25, 2018
Sunday, June 24, 2018
90 home (kids’ bathroom)
Before Trader Joe's
I'm doing my version of
"Organic produce."
Sent from my iPhone
I'm doing my version of
"Organic produce."
Sent from my iPhone
Wednesday, June 20, 2018
89 Yosemite cabin
Packing up our stuff,
And unpacking my anus.
Thanks, Yosemite.
Sent from my iPhone
And unpacking my anus.
Thanks, Yosemite.
Sent from my iPhone
Tuesday, June 19, 2018
88 Yosemite (cabin, kids’ bathroom)
I must've eaten
Food with some kind of Fast Pass
For my intestines.
Sent from my iPhone
Food with some kind of Fast Pass
For my intestines.
Sent from my iPhone
Monday, June 18, 2018
87 Yosemite (cabin)
Yesterday's shit was
So big, I forgot to make
A Father's Day pun.
Sent from my iPhone
So big, I forgot to make
A Father's Day pun.
Sent from my iPhone
Sunday, June 17, 2018
86 Yosemite (cabin)
This elevation
Has really clogged up my ears
But unclogged my ass.
Sent from my iPhone
Has really clogged up my ears
But unclogged my ass.
Sent from my iPhone
Wednesday, June 13, 2018
85 home (kids’ bathroom)
Ate two burritos
Two days ago. Now this is
Way two disgusting.
Sent from my iPhone
Two days ago. Now this is
Way two disgusting.
Sent from my iPhone
Monday, June 11, 2018
Saturday, June 9, 2018
83 home (kids’ bathroom)
I'm sad that my shit
Didn't match the play we saw:
The Color Purple.
Sent from my iPhone
Didn't match the play we saw:
The Color Purple.
Sent from my iPhone
Friday, June 8, 2018
82 work
Got to work early,
And thought I could shit in peace,
But...fucking Travis.
Sent from my iPhone
And thought I could shit in peace,
But...fucking Travis.
Sent from my iPhone
Monday, June 4, 2018
Thursday, May 31, 2018
80 home
I can't pinpoint why,
But "Thursday Bloody Thursday"
Doesn't sound as good.
Sent from my iPhone
But "Thursday Bloody Thursday"
Doesn't sound as good.
Sent from my iPhone
Wednesday, May 30, 2018
79 home
I just rocked so much
That I'm pretty sure I earned
Some kind of Grammy.
Sent from my iPhone
That I'm pretty sure I earned
Some kind of Grammy.
Sent from my iPhone
Tuesday, May 29, 2018
Sunday, May 27, 2018
77 home
There's the rest of it.
At least I think that's the rest.
I never can tell.
Sent from my iPhone
At least I think that's the rest.
I never can tell.
Sent from my iPhone
Saturday, May 26, 2018
76 home
It's called "Charlie Brown"
Because I just said, "Good grief."
(And because it's brown.)
Sent from my iPhone
Because I just said, "Good grief."
(And because it's brown.)
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, May 24, 2018
75 home
Thankfully, my lunch
(Ground beef and tomato soup)
Congealed and turned brown.
Sent from my iPhone
(Ground beef and tomato soup)
Congealed and turned brown.
Sent from my iPhone
Tuesday, May 22, 2018
Monday, May 21, 2018
73 home (downstairs)
So much liquid shit.
I kept trying to find the
Spigot to turn off.
Sent from my iPhone
I kept trying to find the
Spigot to turn off.
Sent from my iPhone
Sunday, May 20, 2018
72 Los Olivos garage/pool bathroom
Guess I wasn't done.
I just shed a few more pounds
Before driving home.
Sent from my iPhone
I just shed a few more pounds
Before driving home.
Sent from my iPhone
71 Los Olivos garage/pool bathroom
I hear frogs croaking.
Seriously. It's not just
The sound of my butt.
Sent from my iPhone
Seriously. It's not just
The sound of my butt.
Sent from my iPhone
Sunday, May 13, 2018
69 home
My stomach's not right.
The way it's acting is like
It drank too much beer.
Sent from my iPhone
The way it's acting is like
It drank too much beer.
Sent from my iPhone
68 home (downstairs)
Happy Mother's Day
To me. I just gave birth to
3.5 children.
Sent from my iPhone
To me. I just gave birth to
3.5 children.
Sent from my iPhone
Saturday, May 12, 2018
67 home
Gonna play soccer,
So first I'm taking a shit
In the toilet BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWLLLLLLL!!!!!!
Sent from my iPhone
So first I'm taking a shit
In the toilet BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWLLLLLLL!!!!!!
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, May 10, 2018
Sunday, May 6, 2018
65 home (downstairs)
That new hot salsa
Went right through me, leaving a
Searing, spicy trail.
Sent from my iPhone
Went right through me, leaving a
Searing, spicy trail.
Sent from my iPhone
Friday, May 4, 2018
63 home (kids’ bathroom)
It's good to be home.
And it's also good to shed
Seven pounds of shit.
Sent from my iPhone
And it's also good to shed
Seven pounds of shit.
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, May 3, 2018
62 Memphis (airport)
My flight is delayed
But this shit just wouldn't wait.
Thanks, Rendezvous Ribs!
Sent from my iPhone
But this shit just wouldn't wait.
Thanks, Rendezvous Ribs!
Sent from my iPhone
Wednesday, May 2, 2018
61 Memphis (hotel)
So much fried chicken
That there's no way this is it.
I'm sure I'll be back.
Sent from my iPhone
That there's no way this is it.
I'm sure I'll be back.
Sent from my iPhone
Sunday, April 29, 2018
60 home (downstairs)
O buffalo wings!
Your taste lures me in, but you
Burn me in the end.
Sent from my iPhone
Your taste lures me in, but you
Burn me in the end.
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, April 26, 2018
59 home (kids’ bathroom)
Amber's en route to
LAX, while my rectum
Fully reLAXes.
Sent from my iPhone
LAX, while my rectum
Fully reLAXes.
Sent from my iPhone
Tuesday, April 24, 2018
58 home (downstairs)
Wait - thad Dodger Dog
Didn't have any chili
When I ate it. Weird.
Sent from my iPhone
Didn't have any chili
When I ate it. Weird.
Sent from my iPhone
Sunday, April 22, 2018
57 home (downstairs)
Stopped making breakfast
- children are going hungry -
Because of this dump.
Sent from my iPhone
- children are going hungry -
Because of this dump.
Sent from my iPhone
Friday, April 20, 2018
56 SLC hotel
Had Ruth's Chris last night,
So this shit is expensive,
But it smells the same.
Sent from my iPhone
So this shit is expensive,
But it smells the same.
Sent from my iPhone
Wednesday, April 18, 2018
55 SLC hotel
Barely made it here.
The check-in process was long.
Thank god my key worked.
Sent from my iPhone
The check-in process was long.
Thank god my key worked.
Sent from my iPhone
Tuesday, April 17, 2018
54 work
Each time I unclench,
Some more liquid shit comes out.
Guess I live here now.
Sent from my iPhone
Some more liquid shit comes out.
Guess I live here now.
Sent from my iPhone
Monday, April 16, 2018
Friday, April 13, 2018
52 home
Well now I feel gross,
But I guess that's what you get
When you shit like this.
Sent from my iPhone
--
*CONFIDENTIALITY NOTICE*
This message is confidential information
intended only for the use of the individual or entity to whom it is
directed. If the reader of this message is not the intended recipient or
the employee or agent responsible to deliver it to the intended recipient,
then you are hereby notified that any dissemination, distribution,
printing, forwarding, or copying of this communication is strictly
prohibited. If you have received this e-mail in error, please notify the
sender immediately
But I guess that's what you get
When you shit like this.
Sent from my iPhone
--
*CONFIDENTIALITY NOTICE*
This message is confidential information
intended only for the use of the individual or entity to whom it is
directed. If the reader of this message is not the intended recipient or
the employee or agent responsible to deliver it to the intended recipient,
then you are hereby notified that any dissemination, distribution,
printing, forwarding, or copying of this communication is strictly
prohibited. If you have received this e-mail in error, please notify the
sender immediately
Sunday, April 8, 2018
Tuesday, April 3, 2018
49 home
The kids had birthdays,
And I had some shitty food.
Guess which led me here.
Sent from my iPhone
And I had some shitty food.
Guess which led me here.
Sent from my iPhone
Saturday, March 31, 2018
48 home (downstairs)
Played poker last night,
And now my shit is poking
Right out me asshole.
Sent from my iPhone
And now my shit is poking
Right out me asshole.
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, March 29, 2018
Tuesday, March 27, 2018
46 home
Sometimes I wish that
I could unhinge my asshole.
I mean, it would help.
Sent from my iPhone
I could unhinge my asshole.
I mean, it would help.
Sent from my iPhone
Monday, March 26, 2018
45 home
My butt was like, "Yo,
I gots to tell you something."
But then he threw up.
Sent from my iPhone
I gots to tell you something."
But then he threw up.
Sent from my iPhone
Saturday, March 24, 2018
Friday, March 23, 2018
Thursday, March 22, 2018
42 home (downstairs)
Whew! I just shat out
Some "life, the universe, and
Everything" I ate.
Sent from my iPhone
Some "life, the universe, and
Everything" I ate.
Sent from my iPhone
Tuesday, March 20, 2018
41 work
I was sitting down
While watching stand-up. I'm the
Grand Old Dook of York.
Sent from my iPhone
While watching stand-up. I'm the
Grand Old Dook of York.
Sent from my iPhone
Saturday, March 17, 2018
40 home (downstairs)
Mason's baseball game
Is coming up, but my ass
Just had a foul out.
Sent from my iPhone
Is coming up, but my ass
Just had a foul out.
Sent from my iPhone
Friday, March 16, 2018
39 home
Still got more brewing,
But this should suffice for now.
Give dat ass a break.
Sent from my iPhone
But this should suffice for now.
Give dat ass a break.
Sent from my iPhone
Wednesday, March 14, 2018
Tuesday, March 13, 2018
37 home
Those two giant logs
Felt like they weighted five pounds each.
Who needs a diet?
Sent from my iPhone
Felt like they weighted five pounds each.
Who needs a diet?
Sent from my iPhone
Sunday, March 11, 2018
37 home (downstairs)
March Madness brackets
And intestinal madness:
What a fitting pair!
Sent from my iPhone
And intestinal madness:
What a fitting pair!
Sent from my iPhone
Wednesday, March 7, 2018
36 home (kids’ bathroom)
Gingerly shitting
With a band-aid on my balls.
I feel really old.
Sent from my iPhone
With a band-aid on my balls.
I feel really old.
Sent from my iPhone
Tuesday, March 6, 2018
34 work (from yesterday)
My vasectomy
Is tomorrow. That is all.
Nothing witty here.
Sent from my iPhone
Is tomorrow. That is all.
Nothing witty here.
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, March 1, 2018
33 work (downstairs)
Took the bigger stall,
And my shit stink expanded
To fill up the space.
Sent from my iPhone
And my shit stink expanded
To fill up the space.
Sent from my iPhone
Tuesday, February 27, 2018
Monday, February 26, 2018
31 work (downstairs)
I started to wipe,
Then stopped to shit a bit more.
Should write a renga.
Sent from my iPhone
Then stopped to shit a bit more.
Should write a renga.
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, February 22, 2018
Wednesday, February 21, 2018
28 work (downstairs)
That's a lot of shit.
It's hard to quantify, but
Around a shitload.
Sent from my iPhone
It's hard to quantify, but
Around a shitload.
Sent from my iPhone
Saturday, February 17, 2018
Friday, February 16, 2018
26 work (downstairs)
I wish orange chicken
Translated better into
A nice, citrus shit.
Sent from my iPhone
Translated better into
A nice, citrus shit.
Sent from my iPhone
Monday, February 12, 2018
Sunday, February 11, 2018
Thursday, February 8, 2018
Tuesday, February 6, 2018
Monday, February 5, 2018
Friday, February 2, 2018
Thursday, February 1, 2018
19 Utah (Marriott)
Well, those deviled eggs
Ended up getting scrambled.
With a side of shit.
Sent from my iPhone
Ended up getting scrambled.
With a side of shit.
Sent from my iPhone
18 Utah (Marriott)
Oh spicy sushi,
How you make your presence known
The morning after.
Sent from my iPhone
How you make your presence known
The morning after.
Sent from my iPhone
Tuesday, January 30, 2018
17 home (downstairs)
Unloading before
My morning flight to Utah.
We'll need less fuel now.
Sent from my iPhone
My morning flight to Utah.
We'll need less fuel now.
Sent from my iPhone
Monday, January 29, 2018
16 work (downstairs)
I just created
A brand new Girl Scout cookie:
Fudge Speckled Splatter.
Sent from my iPhone
A brand new Girl Scout cookie:
Fudge Speckled Splatter.
Sent from my iPhone
Friday, January 26, 2018
13 work
(From yesterday)
Courtesy flushes
Make everyone happier.
What an invention!
Sent from my iPhone
Courtesy flushes
Make everyone happier.
What an invention!
Sent from my iPhone
Tuesday, January 23, 2018
12 work
Sounds like Old Faithful,
But lacks the timing aspect.
Oh, and it spews shit.
Sent from my iPhone
But lacks the timing aspect.
Oh, and it spews shit.
Sent from my iPhone
Monday, January 22, 2018
11 work (downstairs)
The dude next to me
Is wiping his ass like he's
Scrubbing dirty plates.
Sent from my iPhone
Is wiping his ass like he's
Scrubbing dirty plates.
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, January 18, 2018
10 home
It's one of those shits
That makes me think, "When did I
Eat jalapeños?"
Sent from my iPhone
That makes me think, "When did I
Eat jalapeños?"
Sent from my iPhone
Wednesday, January 17, 2018
Tuesday, January 16, 2018
8 work (downstairs)
I barely made it.
Like "walking-funny-checked-my-
Underwear" barely.
Sent from my iPhone
Like "walking-funny-checked-my-
Underwear" barely.
Sent from my iPhone
Saturday, January 13, 2018
7 San Francisco hotel
We're in The City
I made this toilet shitty.
And that ain't pretty.
Sent from my iPhone
I made this toilet shitty.
And that ain't pretty.
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, January 11, 2018
6 work (downstairs)
Nothing like some blood
To cap off a painful shit.
Nice splash of color.
Sent from my iPhone
To cap off a painful shit.
Nice splash of color.
Sent from my iPhone
Wednesday, January 10, 2018
5 home (kids’ bathroom)
Seems that I've lost my
Ability to process
Chipotle goodness.
Sent from my iPhone
Ability to process
Chipotle goodness.
Sent from my iPhone
Monday, January 8, 2018
4 home
It's raining outside.
My butt wanted to match it.
Who likes liquid shit?!?!?
Sent from my iPhone
My butt wanted to match it.
Who likes liquid shit?!?!?
Sent from my iPhone
Saturday, January 6, 2018
3 home
Was that high pitch whine
From my nose or from my butt?
We may never know.
Sent from my iPhone
From my nose or from my butt?
We may never know.
Sent from my iPhone
Wednesday, January 3, 2018
2 Work
That log was giant.
You could build a house with that.
A birdhouse, but still.
Sent from my iPhone
You could build a house with that.
A birdhouse, but still.
Sent from my iPhone
Tuesday, January 2, 2018
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