177

Last shit of the year!
Unless, of course, that chili
Is in a hurry.

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176

It's so poetic:
As the year comes to a close,
My asshole opens.

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175

It's my half birthday,
But I'm taking a full shit.
Fractions are fun, yo!

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174

The Christmas party
Was fun, but I think I ate
My weight in meatballs.

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173

Stinky bo binky!
Not sure what that means, except
For the obvious.

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172

Today's the birthday
Of my brother, my friend Jon,
And this massive shit.

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171

I'm ending the year
With a bang! Well, technically,
It's more of a "blaaaat."

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170

Since it's Hanukkah,
Instead of lighting a match,
I'll light eight candles.

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169

So glad I'm going.
With nonstop meetings today,
It had to be now.

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168

Just squirted some out,
And I think there's more coming.
Need a butt tampon.

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167

A sesame seed?
When did I eat one of those?
Ohhhh, stir fry. Got it.

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166

Since it's December,
It's appropriate to call
This shit a "yule log."

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165

Holiday parties
Should have better take-home gifts
Than diarrhea.

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164

I'm back from Utah
And I brought a souvenir:
Some diarrhea!

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163

It's cold in Utah,
But this shit is hot. Damn hot.
So suck it, Mormons.

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162

After Black Friday
But before Cyber Monday
Comes Brown Saturday.

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161

Getting my shit on.
It's a party over here.
A fartsharty one.

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160

Finally solid!
So glad I ate that corn starch
To thicken things up.

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159

God damn it, again?!?!
How do regular shitters
Get anything done?

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158

I'm back downstairs now,
But my ass is still hurting.
That's unfortunate.

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157

Can't believe there's more.
Seriously. I should weigh
Only ten pounds now.

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156

Ouch. This hurts my ass.
Makes me long for the days of
Hot squirting liquids.

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155

A whole week of squirts
And I sense more on its way.
Ready for a change.

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154

It was worth a shot,
But my shit still smells despite
Eating orange chicken.

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153

This must be the flu,
Because a bunch of shit just
Flu out of my butt.

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152

Post Halloween dump.
I was expecting Milk Duds,
But got fudge instead.

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151

Halloween shitting!
That's right, people. I'm putting
The "poo" in "sPOOky."

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150

Hooray! This marks my
Sesquicentennial shit.
I should get a plaque.

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Re:

http://always.cxology.info

 

Paul Klein

 

149

Had to rush this shit
Because my kids were screaming.
(And not from the smell.)

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148

It just keeps coming,
Like an active volcano.
But this might be worse.

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147

The chiropractor
Must've aligned my bowels,
'Cause that came out fast.

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146

I just got to work,
And now it's time for business.
(Fecal business, to.)

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145

It's Monday morning.
My brain feels heavier, but
My ass feels lighter.

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144

This number of shit
Is also known as "a gross."
Everything makes sense.

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143

I shat yesterday
But am poo-haiku-ing now.
I'm such a slacker.

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142

My stomach's not good.
Unless you count cramps and farts
As good things. Your call.

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141

Tried the "poo-pourri,"
And for the first time ever,
My shit might not stink!

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140

I think I'm done now.
With shitting in general.
It's grown wearisome.

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139

Since it's Yom Kippur,
I should apologize to
My toilet for this.

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138

Back from the airport.
My first stop is the toilet.
Priorities, yo.

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137

I'm airport shitting.
The plane will now be hauling
Seven fewer pounds.

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136

A giant poo-tah
Before I leave for Utah.
Crap, what else...Hoo rah?

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135

Had bad stomach pains,
But after that shit, I have
So-so stomach pains.

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134

I must have eaten
Something really sad because
My butt is sobbing.

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133

The best adjective
To describe this shit would be
"Molten." Yeah, nailed it.

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132

If that was brisket,
Something bad happened to it.
L'shana tova!

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131

Taco Bell salsa
Tastes so fucking awesome that
I'm ok with this.


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130

My butt's favorite song?
"Here I Go Again." This time
It's sung by Brownsnake.

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129

It's September 12th,
And...you know what? I'm gonna
Just stop it right there.

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128

Thank you, boneless wings.
Mostly for being boneless.
That would've been bad.

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127

A shit before bed.
My asshole wanted to be
Tucked in or something.

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126

I'm shitting again?
Labor Day must be the best
Laxative on Earth.

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125

I absolutely
Need to mix in a salad.
This is a shit show.

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124

Was it the hot dogs
Or the baked beans that caused this?
Nope - the Lava Flows.

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123

I sat for so long
My legs fell asleep. Good thing
I have smelling "salts."

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122

It's fucking hot out.
Maybe that's why my stomach
Feels like it's boiling.

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121

I need a smog check.
Hope my butt doesn't throw off
The emissions test.

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120

You know that shit scene
In "Dumb and Dumber"? This was
Pretty much like that.

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119

I'm back in LA.
My first order of business
Is this butt business.

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118

Have to shit quickly
Then head to the call center.
Better here than there.

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117

It's been a few days,
But I'm still getting a hint
Of that "new ass smell."

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116

My body rejects
Whatever it was I ate.
It's Mutumbo-esque.

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115

That was disgusting.
If it weren't impossible,
I would stop eating.

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114

This is a struggle.
It's like my shit is facing
The '85 Bears.

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112

That wedding last night
Did something to my stomach.
I blame the hora.

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112

Think I'll have more soon.
This had a distinct vibe of
"Shitstorm precursor."

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111

It's ironic that
Eating food at a place called
"The Stand" makes me sit.

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110

I'm pushing a lot.
It's as if my rectum has
Joined the resistance.

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109

My butt just felt like
A Bunsen burner, complete
With gas, sparks, and flames.

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108

That bubbling sound
Was a bit disconcerting.
I'm...carbonated?

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107

It's been a long time!
That poor corn had probably
Made friends already.

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106

Ceil made us baked beans,
And all that sound and fury
Signified....something.

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105

Just flew business class,
And now I'm doing my own
Version of "business."

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104

Expensive sushi
Still makes for a smelly shit.
(Just some free advice.)

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103

In New York City.
Too bad it's not "The City
That Never Smells." Gross.

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102

Peter's Anus 2:
(Which one?) Revenge of the Shit
or Dark of the Moon?

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101

I'm back and shitting.
No go in San Diego,
But this is plenty.

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100

San Diego bound!
I believe that's German for
"A nasty ass shit."

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99

Since I can still think,
I guess I didn't truly
Shit my brains out. Phew.


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98

Dentist this morning.
He's luckily just checking
The hole in my face.

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97

I'm still sitting here,
And feel like I could all day.
Guess I'm full of shit.

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96

Had Thai food last night,
Including some pad see ew.
Now it's "pad see EWWWWWW!"

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95

That French dip sandwich
Is now taking its own dip.
But that ain't au jus.

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94

It's fucking hot here,
But my ass just made sounds like
A thunder shower.

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93

That sounded just like
Someone squeezing a bottle
With just five drops left.

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92

Today's July 4th,
And the sounds of explosions
Have started early.


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91

I'm back from fishing,
And this gross shit means I must
Scrub my own poop deck.

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90

Work fishing trip time!
But first, I'm dropping my own
Sinker. (It's my shit.)

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89

First of my 40s,
And my butt might've poured out
40 shit ounces.

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88

Last of my 30s,
And I'm ending the decade
With a bang. And splash.

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87

I think the black beans
Stayed as individuals.
Where's the teamwork, guys?

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86

The sushi was great,
But the tuna tataki's
Now "poo poo caca."

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85

In Utah, shitting,
And it stings (which makes sense since
It's the Beehive State.

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84

What a magic trick:
I turned my mom's egg soufflé
Into my own shit!

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83

Well, it's Father's Day,
And my asshole just fathered
A litter of kids.

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82

I'm quite thankful that
Beef jerky comes out softer
Than how it went in.

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81

Hello, normal shit.
It's been a long time. Take care;
See you again soon.

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80

"I might have to shit"
Turned into, "Out of my way!"
In two seconds flat.


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79

I barely made it.
Haven't I done this enough
To be more ready?

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78

Really thinking hard
About when I last ate corn,
And I have no clue.

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77

I watched Moana,
And now I think this shit is
The size of The Rock.

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76

In the kids' bathroom,
Stinking the place up like mad.
Father of the Year!

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75

More bubbling crude.
But this ain't no Texas Tea.
Please, please don't drink this.

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74

I can smell again!
Glad that my cold is gone, but...
I can smell again.

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73

Two days of the flu
Turned my butt into a flue.
Complete with hot smoke.

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72

Back from Alaska,
Where I took some massive shits
On a massive ship.

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66

It had been a while,
Which explains why I shat out
Three shitloads of shit.

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65

Well that was ugly.
Not submitting it to the
Shit Beauty Contest.

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64

I guess that pad thai
Was in a hurry to meet
The toilet water.

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63

El Seis de Mayo
Makes me feel like a nasty
Human piñata.

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62

Cinco de Mayo,
And I'm clearing room early.
Bring on the tacos!

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61

I shat yesterday
But write the haiku today.
These are all true facts.

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60

The gelato was
Smooth and creamy, yet somehow
This shit...well, it's not.

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59

Starting a call soon
Where I might yell at someone.
Farts lighten the mood.

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58

That's weird. The salsa
Wasn't spicy for my mouth,
But my ass thought so.

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57

I think it's now time
To say "sayonara" to
The food from my trip.

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56

Got to LAX
And immediately shat.
How's that for "customs"?

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55

Shitting right after
A super expensive meal
Feels downright wasteful.

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54

Forgot to write this,
But I can still smell that shit
As if it were here.

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53

I shat in Japan,
Then water shot up my ass.
What a country, right?

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52

5 days in Japan
After taking this shit, which
Stings like wasabi.


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51

Big, pre-bedtime shit.
Dropping a load off before
Taking a load off.

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50

They call it Thai food,
But my ass and my nose are
Definite losers.

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49

Spring Break starts today.
In keeping with this theme, I'm
Breaking blood vessels.

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48

I'm shitting again?
It's like I don't even know
Myself anymore.

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47

Passover's tonight.
That's fitting, since this smells like
The Angel of Death.

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46

Stomach's killing me,
And I'm a shitting machine.
I'm just stating facts.

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45

If I clench right now,
Will that little piece of shit
Go out or back in?

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44

Same day, but more shit.
Something ain't right, and my hole
Needs a little break.

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43

I'm not proud of this,
But I'm almost 40, and
I nearly sharted.

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42

This shit is pleasant,
Well-formed, sweet-smelling, bloodless,
And fun. April Fool's!

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41

The last day of March,
And this massive shit just marched
Right out me asshole.

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40

Was in a meeting,
And nearly started shitting.
I looked "deep in thought."

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39

A quick morning squirt,
With much more to come later.
My nose has been warned.


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38

Got a slight fever,
And I think the heat transferred
Right to this hot shit.

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37

Married 13 years,
And I still want to shield her
From this smell. That's love.

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36

Ended my phone call
And ran to the bathroom stall.
Priorities, man.

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35

I'm back from Utah,
And first thing I do is shit.
Bye bye, Mormon food.

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34

Shaq's jersey number,
Which is fitting, since this shit
...uh...I should stop here.

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33

The kids have fevers.
My butt has sympathy heat.
It's very giving.

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32

A "Magic" number.
You know what else is magic?
Never ending shit.

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31

Starting the work day
With a giant shit. Thank god
For my standing desk.

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30

It's about damn time.
Maybe now those smelly farts
Will stay in their home.

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29

I'm so excited
To be taking a shower
After this shitshow.

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28

Sat for a long time,
And then - bam! - out it came, like
A bat out of smell.


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27

Those chicken tenders
Led to lots of wiping, which
Made my ass...tender.

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26

If foley artists
Need a sound for "mudsplosion,"
They should come see me.

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25

Just peed out my butt.
That's gross. But the shit itself
Sounded far, far worse.


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24

Back home from Vegas.
First up on the agenda:
Shit out pricey steak.

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23

Shitting in Vegas,
Land of craps, slots, and of course,
"Color coming out."


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22

22 makes sense.
This shit's so big, it should count
As a double deuce.

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21

Those Girl Scout Cookies
- despite being delicious -
Still come out as shit.

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20

While shitting, I played
The word "loaf" in Words With Friends.
As in "pinching a..."

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19

While mid-dump, I hear,
"I spilled my miiiiilk!" Clean up time
For my asshole first.


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18

Post-Superbowl shit,
And it felt like it had a
Fullback lead the way.

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17

The Juicy J show
Was last night, but Juicy P
Is here. With some pulp.

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16

Well, it's Groundhog Day.
Anyone within a mile
Could smell my shadow.

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15

It's month number 2
And I make a number 2!
Well played, calendar.

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14

Back home from Big Bear,
And I ran upstairs to shit.
Ya know, "unpacking."

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13

Lucky shit thirteen.
As in, "Lucky the toilet
Flushed all of that down."

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12

Leaving for Big Bear,
But first needed to Big Shit
(But not in the woods).

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11

Why is Shinola
Coming out of my asshole?
Time for a checkup.

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10

"Can you please not fight
For five minutes while I poop?"
#fatherhood


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9

It's really not fair.
The sweet and sour chicken
Came out all sour.

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8

For MLK day,
Is it rude to say my shit
Is "free at last?" (Yes.)

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7

"I might have to shit"
Turned to, "Look out, everyone!"
In 1.5 farts.

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6

Got a traffic jam.
The tunnel's too narrow for
My big ass dump truck.


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5

My son is home sick,
But I feel ok...except
For this leaky butt.

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4

I thought my rectum
Would provide more traction than
This shit Slip N' Slide.

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3

I'm not gonna lie;
My shit do stink. And it stinks
Like death incarnate.

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2

Today is 1/2,
As in, "i just ate one two
Many sausages."

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1

Happy '17!
Starting the year off right by
Expunging the old.



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