PK 165

Last D of the year.
The D stands for "day" and "dump."
But not "discharge." (Wink)

Sent from my iPhone

PK 164

Happy Birthday, Dad.
My friend Taco Bell and I
Made something for you.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 163

Closing out this year
With a bang! Not to mention
Some squeaks and squirts too.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 162

Meatballs, chicken wings,
Corned beef, spicy casserole...
No wonder it's gross.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 161

So I wiped my ass,
And there wasn't any blood.
CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!


Sent from my iPhone

PK 160

The dessert was called
Ice cream cake, but it made a
Chocolate volcano.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 159

Tuna salad plus
Korean barbecue makes
For curious smells.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 158

The answer is "split,"
As in, "My asshole just split
Itself wide open."

Sent from my iPhone

PK 157

A colleague just quit,
And now I sit and I shit.
What rhyming word's next?!?!


Sent from my iPhone

PK 156

Ran out of TP
And then I clogged the toilet.
Strong start to the day.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 155

There's one more piece left.
It's stubborn, but I got this.
'Cause that shit ain't shit.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 154

Tonight's blackened cod
Quickly turned into browned cod.
(Because of the shit.)

Sent from my iPhone

PK 153

Last month of the year,
And I'll go out with a bang.
A big, smelly bang.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 152

So glad I'm going.
Really foul gas for three days.
I shall breathe in peace.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 151

First flush did nothing.
My shit just sat there. Staring.
But I wasn't scared.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 150

Happy Thanksgiving!
After shitting out stuffing,
The rest is gravy.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 149

If my butt could talk,
It would say, "Hello, I am
Really fucking gross."

Sent from my iPhone

PK 148

Work thanksgiving feast,
Should easily fill the space
I just created.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 147

The heavens opened -
No, wait, scratch that. Not heavens.
I meant my sphincter.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 146 (from Monday)

First dump since Ojai.
Which is what the toilet said
Upon the first splash.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 145

I think my stomach
Had too much caffeine. That's why
It's all...shittery?

Sent from my iPhone

PK 144

Post election shit,
And this stinking mound of turd
Is better than Trump.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 143

This is a gross one.
Instead of wiping, I need
Patting and sopping.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 142

I rather enjoy
How certain I am that this
Is spicy tuna.


Sent from my iPhone

PK 141

Should I be concerned
That my sausage sandwich lunch
Turned into meatballs?

Sent from my iPhone

PK 140

Inimitable.
That's my word choice to describe
That Taco Bell smell.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 139

I really should've
Weighed myself before this shit.
It. Just. Keeps. Going.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 138

Only 5:30
And I'm already shitting.
Early turd special?

Sent from my iPhone

PK 137

Chicken parm sandwich,
You left so fast you forgot
To be digested.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 136

Thai food yesterday
And gross poop today, to which
I say, "Pad See Ewwwwww."

Sent from my iPhone

PK 135

This took a long time;
That's what you get when you're a
Shitball dispenser.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 134

I guess my body
Didn't want the meatballs from
That meatball sandwich.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 133

It's magic trick time!
Watch me turn those green chiles
Into brown mush - Poof!

Sent from my iPhone

PK 132 from Wed

It is Yom Kippur,
So here is some atoning:
I'm sorry, toilet.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 131 from Tuesday

Home with a sick boy,
So I'm stuck inside all day.
But this shit got out.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 130

In Beverly Hills,
I had champagne and hors d'oeurves.
In Woodland Hills? Shit.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 129

I don't know plumbing,
But I'll try: this shit feels like
Someone snaked my line.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 128

The round toilet bowl
Represents the shit cycle.
L'shana tova.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 127

Sloan concert last night,
And Sloan valves on this toilet.
Poo-etic justice?

Sent from my iPhone

PK 126

Oh brown underwear,
I wish you were clean, so that
I could dirty you.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 125

I think I should stop
Eating dried fruit so often.
It gets undried fast.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 124

Taking a shit with
Rage Against the Machine on
Makes my ass angry.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 123

My least favorite part
Of a post-popcorn shit is
The kernel fragments.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 122

At the outlet mall,
And I'm thankful to have an
Outlet for my poop.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 121

It has been 4 days,
So I'm expecting to lose
About 15 pounds.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 119

Thanks, Benihana!
This came out more easily
From all the chopping.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 118

The dinner menu
Didn't warn me that the food
Would go right through me.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 117

Post Labor Day dump
(After burgers and hot dogs)
Makes my ass labor.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 116

New burrito place,
The same exact end result.
Er, rear end result.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 115

Work dumping is best
Before others get in, 'cause
I say "Sorry" less.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 114

Shitting out those two
Philly cheesesteaks made me cry.
Must be the onions.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 113

Fishing trip was fun,
But this shitting trip feels like
I swallowed the hook.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 112

My lunch yesterday
Had too much black pepper, 'cause
My ass is sneezing.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 111

Concert at the Bowl,
Followed by Disconcerting
At the Toilet Bowl.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 110

Did I eat ground beef?
I would remember that, right?
Must've. Shit don't lie.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 109

One thing's for certain:
You will never hear me claim
That my shit don't stink.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 108

Do probiotics
Make your shit insanely foul?
I'm, um, just asking.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 107

Tony Roma's food
Doesn't change all that much when
It leaves my body.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 106

Back from LegoLand,
So it's appropriate that
I just shit a brick.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 105

I blame the pizza.
Otherwise I can't explain
This amount of crust.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 104

I went to Islands
And now I'm making islands
In shitty water.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 103

My friend Jon's in town.
Not related to this shit,
But true nonetheless.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 102

Partied at the zoo,
And now I'm shitting like a
Fucking animal.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 101

Jambalaya poop
Shockingly looks a lot like
Jambalaya...poop.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 100

I just need two words
To explain this shit's power:
Brazilian steakhouse.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 99

Playing "Words With Friends,"
But for right now, let's call it
"Turds From Ends." Get it?!?!

Sent from my iPhone

PK 98

I finished shitting,
But you wouldn't know it from
All this damn wiping.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 97

It might not sound good,
But whiskey and pickle juice...
Actually, not good.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 96

Hmm, on second thought,
I should've had the salad.
Pulled pork yields pushed poop.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 95

My Subway footlong
Has magically turned into
Three six-inch shit subs.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 94

Haikus don't rhyme, sure,
But truth outweighs tradition.
Got the squirts. It hurts.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 93

My wife's leaving town,
So I can be more carefree
With smells and skid marks.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 92

Burgers, dogs, and beans
Prepared my ass for its own
Fireworks display.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 91

Tried champagne cognac,
And it warmed my throat. Is that
Why I had hot shit?

Sent from my iPhone

PK 90

I think this shit is
The "combo" part of last night's
Steak and shrimp combo.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 89

I hope this toilet
Likes tomatillo salsa
Because...there it is.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 88

A quick shit before
A fun dentist appointment.
Diff'rent cavity.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 87

There's no better way
To say "Happy Birthday" than
Shitting my brains out.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 86

Like a prizefighter,
I'm dropping weight. But without
Punches to the face.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 85

Now I understand
What Cisqo meant when he said,
"Dumps like a truck." Word.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 84

The sounds of this shit
Were so inhuman, I asked
"What the fuck?" aloud.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 83

When I ate that food,
It was all wrapped up neatly.
What's up, tortilla?

Sent from my iPhone

PK 82

This pre-dentist shit
Means I'm working both sides of
My digestive tract.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 81

No dumps in Big Bear.
So Dawgs don't shit in the woods.
(But the Pope's Catholic.)

Sent from my iPhone

PK 80

Kindergarten's done,
But it seems Stinkerfartin'
Has only begun.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 79

Those chilaquiles
Should've been called (wait for it...)
Chila-kill-my-ass.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 78

Dodger Dogs plus beer
Plus nacho cheese sauce equals
Nasty shit. Shocking.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 77

I can't explain it,
But this shit was so strong that
It messed up my hair.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 76

Ouch! This really hurts.
Next time I'll have to say no
To jalapeños.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 75

The concert venue
Last night now seems quite fitting:
It was at the Bowl.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 74

The burrito had
Green chiles, but it feels like
Some "green burnies" too.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 73

That minor league game
Had food options that gave me
Some major league shits.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 72

Ate at Sugarfish,
But my nose only detects
The "fish" part of that.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 71

Harry Potter World
Was also "Greasy Food World."
Here's my evidence.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 70

I almost forgot
To write a haiku, but then
I farted. Thank god.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 69

My stomach still feels
Like there's some more shit in me.
I'm just so giving.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 68

I thank the good lord
That last night's hard taco shells
Turned soft inside me.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 67

Be careful out there.
The local news just issued
A flash mud warning.


Sent from my iPhone

PK 66

Hard to choose between
The Warriors and Blazers.
My ass feels like both.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 65

My kids have art class,
But at the same time, I'm in
A master fart class.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 64

That should qualify
As giving birth. The pushing
Plus all the crying.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 63

The courtesy flush
Got my ass so wet that my
Balls got jealous.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 62

Passover's gone, but
This smells like a visit from
The Angel of Death.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 61

This shit took so long
That it appropriately
Took place in a "stall."

Sent from my iPhone

PK 60

First new office dump!
Now I have more stalls to hide
My identity.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 59

Back on my home throne.
My shit is sentimental.
Scratch that - just mushy.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 58

I see what they mean
By "pre-wedding shitters." What?
"Jitters"? Never mind.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 57

In Los Olivos,
And this poor toilet bowl just
Did some Klein Tasting.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 56

My work is moving,
And so, it appears, are my
Guts. (Peristalsis.)

Sent from my iPhone

PK 55

It feels like someone
Loaded an old school cap gun
High up my rectum.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 54

Actually, I think
I should really call this dump
The Splatterhorn. Yeah.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 53

If this shit were a
Disneyland ride, it would be
Splash Mountain. For sure.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 52

Nothing else out there
Makes for some nasty dumpage
Like Taco Bell does.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 51

I should've nicknamed
My ass "Mt. Fuji" for its
Loud and hot lava.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 50

I need a tune up
Or, at the very least, a
Higher octane gas.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 49

My beer last night was
An IPA, so this shit
Is extra hoppy.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 48

The Squatty Potty
Helped me do my bizness, but
Didn't help the smell.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 47

A wise man once asked,
"How much pizza is too much?"
Well, I found the answer.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 46

The mad scientist
In my stomach created
Some nasty brown slime.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 45

That shit was pretty,
Pleasant smelling, solid, and
Easy. April Fools!

Sent from my iPhone

PK 44

It's the end of March,
Both the month and the march of
Good through my colon.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 43

The chiropractor
Will adjust my spine, but he
Can't make my butt crack.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 42

I'm proud to have made
A bagel-pizza-sushi-
Buffalo-wing-shit.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 41

Work's pissing me off,
Like what a strong urine stream
Does to a skid mark.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 40

If only mint things
Had the same asshole effect
As spicy things do.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 39

I should call my ass
Vesuvius or something
Because...you know why.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 38

By the feel of it,
My swordfish dinner had an
Actual sword. Ouch.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 37

It's St. Patty's Day,
But my shit didn't turn green.
I'm kinda upset.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 36

The skirt steak was good,
But I think it should be called
"Squirt steak" - am I right?

Sent from my iPhone

PK 35

A pork chop dinner
And pork taco lunch. That's why
My butthole's squealing.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 34

Thundering outside
While my stomach's own storm makes
Hard rain from my butt.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 33

So as it turns out,
That was no red pepper flake.
Just a scab. My bad.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 32

So much gyrating
That I'm practically giving
A toilet lap dance.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 31

What started off as
A big ribeye steak at Cut
Is now just ground beef.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 30

Dumping something fierce
Before flying to Vegas.
Color coming out!

Sent from my iPhone

PK 29

Oh my poor asshole.
Three times in two days ain't fun.
Unless you like blood.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 28

Second shit today.
It's rare, though not as rare as
Leap Day (tomorrow).

Sent from my iPhone

PK 27

Ate food from Sharky's,
But I think it should be called
"Sharty's" - am I right?

Sent from my iPhone

PK 26

My porcelain horse
Must think it queer to look up
At my bony rear.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 25

This jumbo dump puts
The term "Asian fusion" in
A new (and brown) light.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 24

Thanks, Squatty Potty.
Good to know I can be gross
In new positions.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 23

I barely made it.
Nothing starts a day quite like
"Oops I crapped my pants."

Sent from my iPhone

PK 22

If this shit session
Were a Taylor Swift song, she'd
Call it, "Wipe It Off."

Sent from my iPhone

PK 21

Peyton Manning sings,
"Chicken parm you taste so good,"
But it hurts my ass.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 20

Post-SuperBowl dump.
Not sure where all the chips went,
But here's the salsa!

Sent from my iPhone

PK 19

On the phone with Jon,
And he's taking a shit too.
Poop pals forever!

Sent from my iPhone

PK 18

Judging by volume,
You'd think I ate more than just
The buffalo's wings.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 17

Well, it's Groundhog Day,
but Turtle Head Day would be
More appropriate.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 16

At the time, eating
Whiskey infused beef jerky
Seemed like a wise move.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 15

I'm riding this toilet
For longer than 8 seconds,
So...I win. I think.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 14

Black sesame seeds?
I don't remember eating
Black sesame seeds.

Sent from my iPhone

PK 13

Starting the work week
With stomach cramps and loose shit.
Is that a bad sign?

Sent from my iPhone

PK12

Black beans turned into
Brown mush. I find that to be...
Interesante.

Sent from my iPhone

PK11

Today is Wednesday,
As in, "WEN will my asshole
Let me stop wiping?"

Sent from my iPhone

PK10

I normally like
Souvenirs. But I don't need
This itchy asshole.

Sent from my iPhone

PK9

I'm back from Big Bear,
But that didn't stop me from
Making this mountain.

Sent from my iPhone

PK8

Shitting in Big Bear,
And hoping my big brown ones
Hibernate longer.

Sent from my iPhone

PK7

"The Force Awakens"
Is also a good name for
My ass this morning.

Sent from my iPhone

PK6

I seldom thank God,
But this one is earned: thank God
The stall was empty.

Sent from my iPhone

PK5

The skies opened up,
And the rain poured down. Except
It's my butt. And shit.

Sent from my iPhone

PK4

Haikus don't rhyme, but
I see "January" rhymes
With "Man, you hairy!"

Sent from my iPhone

PK3

Taking a shit while
Chatting with my bro. Guess he's
An uncle again!


Sent from my iPhone

PK2

Two shits in two days.
At this rate, I'll end up with...
I can't do that math.

Sent from my iPhone

PK1

Two thousand sixteen!
May this year be full of - Oops!
Gotta wipe my ass.

Sent from my iPhone